Friends, Family & Carers Forum

[HenryX]

@Susa 

Hello Susa

Your note in response to my message is Lovely and reassuring.

When writing to people on the forum, there is that lingering thought, ”Am I on the right track”. Consequently, it was so pleasant to hear from you that the message I sent struck a chord with you.

It is great to hear that you have a special friend coming to stay with you for the weekend.

Sounds to me that you are underestimating your strength and stability. I have said somewhere that it is difficult to step outside ourselves and see just what qualities we have.

I did want to address your older daughter's situation first because it is so apparent that at the moment she is your primary concern, while at the same time giving your younger daughter recognition for her efforts.

However, as I am now aware that there are three people in your home, your situation is so important, not just for your daughters, but for you also.

The activities you have planned look really positive and I hope will give you a great lift and the benefits flow on to your daughters. I love the idea of you being

“a happy rock”.

Your younger daughter will very likely benefit from the plans you have for the immediate and longer-term future. Some happy children can hold a lot inside and seem happy all the time. It can be their way of contributing to family stability. I think that it is good to assure her that her efforts are appreciated.

I look forward to hearing about how you are going when things are positive, and when you just want to “yell” about the issues you may face from time to time.

My Best Wishes to You Three

And the People who Share the Journey with You

@HenryX

[Susa]

Hi LizzieR,

Apologies for not responding sooner, this message didnt come in as an email so i missed it. 

Thanks so much for the advice and the kind words, that was very special to hear.

I am going to start the breathing exercises today and also some meditation. I used to be quite spiritual so i am going to find that person again. 

I also have a best friend who cares a lot coming to stay this weekend, (whilst the children are at their dad's) so it will be great to have some emotional support for a couple of days.

Thanks again LizzieR xoxo

---

@LizzieR wrote:

Hi Sarah, i am sending as much love as i can. I have been in your shoes. It is so hard to be parent, friend, counsellor and stay functioning yourself. Yet you are doing it. Some days will be harder than others. Hopefully your daughter will find her feet, confidence, direction over the next few years. In the meantime what has helped me - having one good friend/safe person who can hear you, repetitive exercise maybe doing breathing practices while you are at (brain is not good at worrying and counting breaths simultaneously), sitting with diffcult emotions meditation paractices (these help you acknowledge then release the tension/fear you are carrying), remmebering nothing stays the same forever - the sun is quite likely to come out at any minute - when it does, embrace it.  She loves you, you love her - that is so precious xxxx

---

[Susa]

Hi HenryX

You are most definetly on the right track with where things are with my family and I and it has been very positive for me to receive your messages. You have been a very welcome and very helpful additional support in this for me for sure. 

Today is my first day with no job. Seems a bit ominous, i have not been without work for a long time, but even just finishing up yesterday gave me a small  sense of relief and i feel a bit lighter. 

Whatever job i next get (after having a little break to get family back on track) i think will be a part time, much lower pressure job.

And yes i agree, my happy child has told me that she just pushes upset deep down and tries not to think about it, so i know the break ups and family upset have affected her too. 

Hopefully this period will be one of repairing and positivity for my family.

Thanks for your support and will speak soon. xo

[ThatsCrazyPod]

Hey Susa,

Firstly I just want to say how brave and vulnerable I thought your post was. I personally know how challenging it can be to navigate the ill-mental health of a loved one whilst navigating your own struggles, and I applaud your continued efforts to seek help for yourself and your daughter!

I am 29 years old, and was diagnosed with major depressive disorder, generalised anxiety disorder and ADD when I was 16, after years of self harming behaviours and body image distortions. Many years later (into my 20's) I was then diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder, and am now being reviewd for Bipolar 2. Consequently, I have a lot of experience with youth mental health, particularly female youth, from my own lived experience and my tertiary education in mental health.

I started a mental health podcast with accompanying social media pages to provide resources and information for people (aimed at young people) to learn skills for coping with distress and to be able to engage in safe conversations around anxiety, depression, trauma, body dysmorphia etc. You might like to check it out to see if any of the posts have helpful info or skills for you or your daughter 🙂

Experiencing ill-mental health as a teen is incredibly challenging and isolating. It can be really helpful to connect with likeminded people who have previously or are currently experiencing similar issues, and this might be an easier pitch to your daughter, as she could engage with other young people rather than a health professional (like a doctor or a psych) who may be too clinical and alienate her further. If you'd like to look into this, try a Google search for "peer support" in your local area.

I'm sure you're also already across this, but 'Headspace' is a great specialised youth platform to engage with, specifically treating people aged 12-25.

Sometimes just chatting with another person who has lived experience can make things seem a little less overwhelming 💙

Thinking of you and your daughter at this tough time x

[HenryX]

@Susa 

Hi Susa,

Your note was also uplifting for me. I can say that most of my replies and responses to people include the observation that the recipient is helping me in some way. Till now, I did not think it appropriate to reflect on my feelings because there were definitely more urgent, specific and fairly time-constrained issues to address. Most specifically for your older daughter, but as I now understand for all three of you, and possibly affecting other people who may be involved.

Hearing from you that what I have offered, in terms of suggestions, has been helpful makes the communication mutually beneficial and offers me the opportunity to feel as though I have contributed in a meaningful and purposeful way. So I very much thank you for responding in the way that you have. As I mentioned in earlier correspondence, I liked the way that you initially presented your situation and your follow-up with others and me during our discussions.

I do hope that, as I now perceive your situation, a lot of the fog that seemed to be hanging around has cleared. I am aware that your family situation will be an ongoing process and development, as are all our lives. Some parts are just more difficult, to varying degrees, than others. It sounds as though you have put the foundations in place for stability, security, repair and positive developments in your family. I most sincerely hope that the process will be a successful and not too difficult learning process for both of your daughters.

One other thought came to mind that I would wish to be considered. That is to do with the contact that your daughters may have with any other of the siblings or adults to whom they may have become attached emotionally. I would like to know your feelings and thoughts in that regard and I would be pleased to offer my thoughts if you would like.

I will be happy to discuss any issues that may develop from time to time. And I look forward to hearing from you about progress and developments if that is what you would be happy with.

With my Very Best Wishes

HenryX

[Mumincrisis]

I can relate. Single mum with son with crippling anxiety, depression, ptsd, panic attacks and eating disorder. Each day, actually each hour is a battle to get him through the day. I hope she finds help and you find support & she can move forward in the battle.

[Susa]

Thank you so much for replying to me, it sounds like you have been through very challenging times but are turning into some really positive support for others.
Can you please send me the link to your podcast? And I will look up the peer support that you mentioned as my daughter would prefer closer to her own age support.
Thanks again, and I will you well with your own mental health and think it’s amazing what you are doing.

[Susa]

Hi Henry,

My daughters have contact with their ex step mum who is a good influence and I have become friends with her so we catch up where possible. My eldest daughter is currently cutting herself off from anyone who is trying to get her to eat or talk about her eating disorder.
(I have since shared it with her dad and new step mom) and she has told a couple of people.
She only wants to spend her time with me (even though she is currently not talking to me) and her best friend who has body dsymorphia and also has anorexia.
She has become closer with her sister and is now sharing with her but this is a big burden on a 12 year old.
I am really struggling today with it all and I think menopause is currently getting the better of me and I’m getting buttons pushed very easily.
I had a panic attack in Bunnings today, rather embarrassing , I was actually happy for the mask as I ran out before anyone could see my face.
I also wanted to ask what you think about phone usage.
I’m struggling with how much her phone seems to be a crutch for her.
I am leaving her on it for now as she has periods and is in bed in pain but once this is over, I need to gently pullback her phone usage.
I personally don’t like how they addict our kids but my daughter would literally be on it 24 hours a day if she could... I’m sure Instagram has contributed towards her negative body image.
Take phone away equals raised anxiety so it’s always a challenge...
Sorry I’m a bit all over the place today I’m a bit scattered.
And thanks again for the responses.
Susa

[Peregrinefalcon]

Hey @Susa and @ThatsCrazyPod,

I hope everyone is having a restful long weekend 🙂 

Just a friendly reminder that we cannot share any personal/identifying informaiton on the Forums (including links to a podcast created by oneself). 

I am sorry about this and did not mean to disrupt the conversation here!

Take good care of yourselves ❤️ 

Kind regards

Peregrinefalcon

[Susa]

I’m so sorry to hear that you are going through this. It is such a big and constant worry I feel for you as well and wish you all the best with your son. She has agreed to see people but said she won’t speak about the eating disorder as she doesn’t want to be helped..
but we can but keep trying our best x