The slow collapse

[Unwindering]

This is a very long one made on a dummy account since the context is very specific. 

The last 18 months I've lived have been absolute purgatory. My closest friend of 20 years who we asexually explored as teens (before it was stopped) has cut me out of his life overnight and instantly. I'm very very highly likely autistic and cannot handle or process anything. 

Since he ended the exploratory bs years ago, several times he tried to instigate thereafter but I was never able to because of cold sores or being dead tired. For years and years now I've been trying to reach out and instigate but never had the confidence. Bloke lived with me codependant for ovwr a decade, i funnelled tens of thiusands into the guy to float him qince it was the only language i could talk alluding to feelings.

My ex girlfriend ended up being an extremely violent relationship that ended in court and prispn sentences so I find people extremely uncomfortable to be around and I struggle to acknowledge my own sexuality issues, but also have serious issues with being used and taken advantage of by people. 

In march if last year my friend helped with an inspection clean and stormed out angrily mid clean (I was going to try instigate after again), ghosted me for a week randomly. I got super stressed. Thought he wrapped himself around a tree and died. Instead I'm the bad guy for not respecting his privacy and I've been slowly cut out of his life after having a best mate that hung out several times a week. Even calling him a best mate I get called childish and expecting too much for. 18 months ago he tried to instigate saying "bed shit?" But I was scatter brained phased out and just rescinded "why would I shit the bed?", he got super offended said under his breath he was trying to reach out, and when I came to i pushed but he never responded. 

I have strong reason to believe he has started seeing someone male, knows I have unresolved feelings and struggle with my own identity and sexuality. Guy encouraged me for years to get help before I start trying to date again, so I've been delaying myself for years now trying to work him out and start something. He is just bluntly refusing to offer any closure. 

He has very bluntly made it clear we will never be close friends again, I don't respect his privacy, I have unrealistic expectations as a friend, specifically said he's not a fa**ot (effectively calling me one). Any time I try talk to him about this he says he hates talking about emotions and refuses, then threatens to block (he has several times already briefly)

All I know as an autist, I am not allowed to be happy. I will always get used and fu**ed over by people, nobody is ever willing to communicate with me properly, and when I try I just get gaslit, emptionally manipulated, and fu**ed off. This whole fu** off and get over it has destroyed my mental health, destroyed my career. Colleagues are messaging former colleagues saying I'm losing weight and look like I'm always ready to cry. 

I can't reach out properly to mental health services since last time I did when his all started, I was misdiagnosed adhd by someone who lost the psych license in Australia 1 week after prescribing me dexies. The stress and anxiety that has caused me has decimated my mental health, friendships, relationships, self image, and perception of people. Psych pushed away from testing for autism because it wouldn't have been completed before he was deregistered. Go figure. My life's a game to everyone. 

There is so so much more to this its decades of context. All I know is suffering and misery. I'll never be happy and I've spent wvery day since I was 15 conceiving hundreds of different suicide methods for every circumstance. 

My mate doesn't give a fuxk about me anymore. He got his moneys worth out of me and doesn't need me anymore. All I want is to die. The unresolved feelings will never have closure it seems, and all I can do is stress myself into a heart attack. 

Christ valentines day we were supposed to play games as a group, suddenly he's busy all night with a list of things to do. 

Feels like I can only be lied to and mislead. 

He doesn't owe me anything. I don't own him, but after 20 years, a tiny amount of respect just asking for "hey man I know how you feel but I've started seeing someone but still want to be friends", woulda had a sook for a few months then get over it because I value my friends clearly. Now if I find out it's true, after a year of gaslighting,  mental manipulation, lying, mind games I'd just burn everything and leave. People reinforce why I hate consciousness with such a fiery passion. I can never forgive someone I supported for a decade to be treated like a leper

I don't know what to do. I don't know how to handle this. I loathe myself with such a fiery passion because of undiagnosed autism destroying me. 

I hope it's all paranoia, but my observations and his reactions are screaming otherwise. 

[Ru-bee]

Hello @Unwindering and welcome to the forums.

I'm glad that you've been able to use this space to share about this really complicated relationship. It sounds as though it has been very confusing and difficult to understand this friend's behaviour towards yourself, it's certainly difficult to understand from an outside perspective. I do wonder if this person would even be able to explain their own behaviour and all of the reasons behind it.

I'm hearing how hurt you are by this situation and I imagine that writing about it here and reaching out like this was a really difficult thing to do.

What do you feel like you need from the forums at the moment - are you just needing the space to vent, or maybe looking for some guidance, or just wanting to feel supported right now?

We're here for you either way

[Unwindering]

I genuinely don't know.

All I want is an end in sight, but it looks like it's never coming and I'm likely going to drive myself into a full mental breakdown.

I can't even explain it all because it's hours of typing and laying out entire life. 

The joys if being severely damaged and distrustful of people. 

[Daisy15]

Hello to you. It seems that your in a lengthy situation of circumstance happening to you as an individual you dear person. I feel for your anguish and sadness and i hope that you believe me when i offer my thoughts of trying to see if i can help be an ear hypothetically to you during this hard time for you. Sorry also that it causes such severe self loathe and unloved feelings about yourself for you. It must be so so tough being in the moment when it almost seems to the very pouint of totally no more possible bearable sadness and anguish for you dear person. I hope i am allowed to offer a virtual pat on the shoulder or fiendly word of sympathy and care and concern for you at the moment. I truly think while reading your heartbraking story that you must need as much support and kindness as your possibly able to get. Im now just going to take a very brief moment to introduce myself to you. My name is Daisy15. Im a person who has had a quite substantial amount of lived experience with mental health conditions myself. I will perhaps make a mental note to tell my story hopefully even as half as excellent a job at writting how it is, was or has been as what you have done, in telling us people reading here at the sane forum have and become aware of how much emotionally you are going through at the moment.  Truly you have my support as a member at sane forums  and i hope i can give you a break in your turmoil of depressive and negative emotions and thoughts for at least some time. 

I actually think i really could sense that you seem to be a very soft and big hearted person. That is comforting to me as i find much personal respect from those type of people like you. I must add you obviously paid the school teachers over your education a very substantial amount of attention because your language skills in stringing well spoken sentences and phrases together is of a fantastic standard. That is a great job by you so well done. Really well done. I hope that over the next few days at least i can check in to see if you read my post so i can offer an ear of support for you. I think i see a sparkle or even gold silver or any shining colour within the not so far distance for you while you try to seek support at sane forums at least for now. Im wondering if by any chance have you mentioned at least the beginning of your life circumstance  together with your general.practitioner at a local medical centre perhaps to see if they can be a middle ground base and stepping point for you to first get advice from in regards to your sadness and low self love and esteem. I hope you atleast have a place to stay at any given moment so you can snuggle with a nice doona or blanket to comfort you during your tired and exhausted periods.

I have my own slightly weighted fluffy blanket that i cuddle to when i go to bed at the end of a long day. It helps me to feel loved and cosy and soft and comfortable while i go to sleep at night.

 In saying that. Please feel free to ask me as many questions about whatever seemingly related topics you may think of at any time ok . I have big shoulders and am more than joyed to be of a help to you here ok. And others please do ask me also or join in wherever to see if one becomes two becomes the whole of us all here at sane offering at least some small big medium.or large helpful amount of support to try make this person happier and cared about as possible.

[Unwindering]

I thank you for your wonderfully detailed response. I'm currently overseas so it was a nightmare circumventing the geoblock, but certainly appreciate the kind words. 

I unfortunately have always been the kind to shy away from talking about my own emotional state. Believe me, I've tried. And as per usual guys, it was never easy to talk to best mate about things over the years (completely unrelated to us), but suddenly last year becoming a leper overnight threw my mental state into overdrive. Especially after years of trying to reach out, it's me letting myself down again from confidence and rejection issues, but the abandonment fear has been screaming louder than anything else. 

20 years as best mates is a long time to turn someone away overnight. There must be a catalyst, and this is what drives me insane. 

As an individual I've become so accustomed to repression and ignoring the problem that I struggle to even internalise my own issues and put it to words. I can only describe it as a series of parallel separate thought processes fighting with each other simultaneously. 

I can function in my work making serious results, all while the second thought process is constantly stressing and looping. It's a self torture I know too all too well. 

For reference i work a high stress commissionsales job I am extremely skilled at, but that stems from a scripted personality I've finely scripted over years. Up till this all started I was in line for serious career growth to a top position, but the mental health collapse that has ensued got me removed from consideration. I might make money, but demeanour has changed enough colleagues are contacting friends trying to find out what's up because of what they've seen. 

TW: SA

Content/trigger warning

This also ties into a trauma as a 5 year old of being diddled by someone twice me age after school. Apparently experiences do shape you!

Life's a mess.

[Meredyth49]

I'm sorry you've had this experience.

You are not alone in it. 

It's a sad reality that some people don't value friendship as much as other people - everyone differs in that respect. Sometimes, a connection just does its time and then dissipates as we all change and grow or decide not to. Everyone is on their own journey. 

I hope you make new friends who will value you and reciprocate to the same extent as you do.