A Full Plate

[Barney8]

Hi, I’m a 53 woman from vic who up until late 2019 seemingly had a good life. Marriage,job,own home, 3 kids. Fast forward to today and I have lost the lot. I now rent with 88 yr old dad, can’t stick at a job and pretty self isolate all day long. I have major depression,AUD,previous history of eating disorders and just on Monday was diagnosed with BPD. Life is pretty miserable. I miss my old life so much- it wasn’t perfect but sure beats this nightmare I’m living now. I so wish my BPD was diagnosed so much long ago because it now explains all the reckless and self harm I have caused myself over the years. In a moment of pure reckless abandon chose to walk away from my marriage and lose everything thinking that my problems would go away. Instead I’m down the drain even further. I have absolutely no life at all these days and just pray life will turn around for me. But I also sit with the knowledge that maybe my life now is karma for all the crap that I put my family thru and this is my bleak future. I need to get help professionally but cannot afford it now. I get great jobs but always quit as I hate hearing about other peoples happy lives. Memories of my past life are a constant. Can’t listen to any music or watch the footy now as that was old life and it hurts so much. My coping mechanism is alcohol which I know is so detrimental. I stop for weeks on end then think life is too hard and then I’m back into the pattern of self abuse again. and the roller coaster begins again. It’s a horrendous ride to be on. 

[Ru-bee]

Hi @Barney8 

Welcome to the forums

I'm glad that you've found this space to share some of your story. It certainly sounds like these past 5 years have been extremely difficult for you and must have taken a lot of strength to get through.

I hear that you feel you need some professional support, do you have any supports at the moment?

SANE offers a free guided service, as well as the support line. If you haven't checked these out you can take a look here.

[Ainjoule]

Hi @Barney8 

I just wanted to pop in and say hi...and welcome to the forums! Thanks for sharing your story. Sounds like your diagnosis has been a relief to know what you are dealing with. I'm not sure if you have heard of Dialectical Behavioural Therapy...it's a therapy commonly used for people with a diagnosis of BPD (and other diagnosis). Are you doing any therapy at the moment?

[tyme]

Hey @Barney8 ,

Welcome to the forums!

Thank you for sharing a little about yourself. It sounds like things are quite difficult. I'm sorry things are so hard for you at the moment.

I wonder if this following service is a start so you get to understand a little more? Feel free to have a look: https://www.spectrumbpd.com.au/education-training/training-for-the-community

I also have BPD. I'm not saying it was a breeze, but having come out the other side of it, I honestly have to say that it was worth it. 

Feel free to ask any questions if you think of any. I'd love to see if I can provide some insight into it.

You can tag me by typing "@" before my username e.g. @tyme 

See you around.

[Mustang67]

Hi @Barney8 

I totally understand what it is like to loose everything and have nowhere to live. 

I am currently living with my 84 year old mother and caring for her part time, since I have a lot of appointments that I attend. 

I have had my household furniture and belongings in storage for over 5 years, so basically only have my clothes and a few personal items to call my own.

I am not sure what state you are in, but in South Australia, I was referred to what used to be called Links to Wellbeing (now called Southern Wellbeing Hub) and I have been seeing them regularly since 2022 for free. And they have suggested several workshops to attend to help me overcome some issues which were because of the DV environment I was raised in at a young age. 

I have just completed one which went into what types of domestic violence there are, and gave me things to look out for in a person, if I ever decided to trust another man again. I found it very empowering and informative. 

To be referred to the mental health service, I requested a Mental Health Plan from my doctor and it went from there. So not sure if you have done this.

But I feel for you. It is a dark place to be in, but just take one day at a time and never lose hope, that things will turn around for you. It might take years, like it has for me, and I still have bad days/weeks where I think all the effort I am putting in isn't worth it. But when I am in the right frame of mind, I can see the improvements that I have made. So I just keep on trying to do anything I can to improve my mental health, so I can finally live a happier life. 

I wish you all the best, and hope you can find some help ❤️