When is it OK to lie....

[ETBug]

Back story... my husband left me 3 years ago for co-worker half his age.  He spent months going back and forth between the two of us.  Finally he asked for a trial separation, and only after he "got her out his system", did he come home.  We have been together ever since.

A year or so ago, I found a list he had made of every woman he had ever been involved with and low and behold I was not the last name on the long list.  Not even the next to last name.   Turns out there was another interaction he had neglected to tell me about.  He swears it was just some back and forth emailing, but this was a woman who he was once in love with.

Flash forward to today....

For whatever BPD reason, I couldn't get this out of my head.  We had had a horrific fight recently regarding the site Linkedin.  It was actually the fight that lead me to go to the doctors and get help.  Or more accurately, was threatened with "you get help or else".  So anyway, I asked him how this other person had gotten in touch with him, and got angry for bringing it up again, and claimed he didn't remember anything about.  And long story short.. told me that he thinks it's perfectly OK to lie to me about these kinds of things cause I'm not in a good enough frame of mind to be able to deal with it.  He said, and I quote... "once you get the help you need then maybe I will feel comfortable being able to tell you things like this".  OMG!!!!  I thought we had an arrangement when we reconciled after his affair that there was to be NO MORE LYING.  But now he tells me that it isn't safe for him to be honest with me.  This is a man I have been with for 20 years!!!!

I just don't even know what to think at this point.  My mind is blown.

[Bunniekins]

@ETBug  Hey sweetie I cannot tell you what to do but will let you briefly know my story it might help. I was married for 23 years, when I was manic my husband at the time left me for his co worker and has been with her ever since. He left me sick with undiagnosed schizoaffective disorder and for me to look after my very mentally unwell son2 at the time. He has since told me he regrets his actions at the time and I have moved on happly knowing that I am better off without him in so many ways. I cannot say why as the moderators won't like it unfortunately as I will be insulting 50% of the population on the forum lol...... lets just say being single has been the making of the pea 

You deserve the best. Don't forget how important you are. How strong you are andl how capable you are.  Love peaxxx

[ETBug]

@Bunniekins 

Thanks Pea.  I know I'm not the only one to go through stuff like this.  Just really through me for a loop last night.  It's hard enough for me to trust but then to be told by the person you should be able to trust most, that he does lie to me, after everything we have been through, well, I just thought I was going to loose my shit last night.

Doing a little better today.  I just have to come to terms with the face that you can't trust people.  PERIOD.  It's not the way I would like things to be, but it is the way things are.

[Owlunar]

Hi @ETBug @Bunniekins 

I love what you said @Bunniekins  - I have been alone for 30 years now and I find it great - 

My marriage was sad rather than bad but there were lies about other things and in my mind while social lies are okay lies about marriage issues - that is infidelity, finances, child-care etc are not acceptable and do so much damage

Whatever you do @ETBug  is up to you and no one needs to know about your decision unless you choose to share it - I am glad you shared here - people do share their problems here and that's what the forum is about - but other people - no - it's not their business

But your husband's lies are not acceptable - of course you need help with BPD but this has nothing to do with your husband's lying and cheating - it's a different issue entirely

I wish you the best and I would like this chance to welcome you to the forum - we are glad to have you here

Dec

[ETBug]

@Owlunar Thanks so much for the warm welcome.

I just can't get him to understand that lying is wrong.  He insists he is doing it for my protection.  I will never believe that.  He has a strong self preservation streak.

I don't have any one else to share it with other than here, and maybe on Facebook (which I'm not sure would be a good idea).  I don't have any friends, outside of social media, and even those are more acquaintances.

[Owlunar]

You are most welcome @ETBug 

Many people here don't really have a place where they can share things - in real life or on-line so you have come to the right place

Personally I wouldn't share personal details on FaceBook - that might be fine for some people but the workings of a marriage - I think not - our conversation could get lost in the details and could go somewhere out of control - here - no one shares there name or face or where they are so you are safe

You won't get your husband to understand his lies are corrosive - he is protecting his self-image unaware that when you find a lie it destroys so much - and sometimes we logically know there is a lie but not always able to know just what the lie was - stupid lies that show in things like leaving a list of women important to him in whatever ways - it's undermining

You can share here though - I know my husband's lies were stupid lies and I would hear him contradict himself - and it constantly tore down our marriage - 

I hear you

Dec

[Naynay88]

I feel for you so badly right now. My partner has done the same to me and it fuck ing hurts so bad. I am sending you the biggest hug right now. The lies and the cheating is the worst part of this. I'll take abuse all day long and stand tall but lie to me and cheat on me and I'm shut straight in the heart. 

[Naynay88]

I hear the same thing. The protecting me thing when I catch him doing shitty things. I don't understand it, I truly do not. 

[Naynay88]

Anytime you want to chat, let me know. This is a nightmare roller coaster.