Survival Mode

[maddison]

Hello & Welcome Everyone,

The focus of this thread will be Domestic Violence & Family Violence.

The intention is to create a safe space for survivors & victims of Domestic Violence to share & connect with other members.

These are scary phrases. If you don't feel like your story fits the description of 'violence or abuse' & would like to contribute regardless - everyone is welcome.

My Story

I am at the beginning of my story. I know I am being mistreated, abused & I normalise it. I tell myself that the world is a violent place & abuse cannot be avoided. I tell myself, he has a severe mental illness & is not aware of his actions. I tell myself I can control the outcome because my mind is stable. I tell myself it's not all the time. I tell myself I don't have the power or resources to change anything. I tell myself about the love we share. That bit is by far the hardest. Incomprehensible.

The years, & lifetime I spent lying to myself -as a beautiful member recently explained to me - that is me living within survival mode.

It will take time to undo this lifetime. I need to start all over again.

I find that I don't have trust in myself - how could I trust a mind that has been able to lie so convincingly. I need to trust myself & understand my mind was protecting me.

For me, the dominant emotion I am feeling is shame. I never wanted to see myself as a person who would accept abuse. I feel ashamed of how the world must perceive me. Intellectually, I understand that I don't have anything to be ashamed of. I don't know why there is so much shame attached to the realisation of being abused. Maybe, I blame myself because deep down I knew what was happening & let it continue. I let myself believe my lies. I am scared that the world sees me as a person who is deceptive.

Below, I have copied & pasted a few tips from Google. I feel very out of my depth discussing these topics & supporting other people.

For anyone who would like to contribute, I'm using these below statements as a general guideline - please read & understand before responding to a member - also PLEASE offer any advice /suggestions. THANKYOU

Lastly, I am not going to tag anyone is this thread - except for one member, whom gave me their permission. I don't want to trigger anyone. I want anyone who feels like they have anything to express or share to feel supported, heard, understood, safe, loved. *Perhaps we should avoid offering advice if a story is shared. Only support & thankyou for sharing, or similar.

9 Things Not To Say To A Survivor Of Domestic Abuse 

• Why Didn’t You Leave The First Time They Hit You?
• What Did You Do To Make Him Hit You
• He Must Have Been Drunk When He Hit You
• Really — I Can’t Believe He Did That — It Seems Unlike Him 
• There Are Two Sides To Every Story 
• But Everybody Fights In A Relationship 
• Nobody Can Treat Me Like That
• Why Did You Let Him Get Away With It?
• I Know What You Went Through  I’ve Dated Real jerks Before, too
• It’s Time To Stop Dwelling On It.

Source 

Things To Say

• Thank you for sharing.”
• “You are not to blame for what happened to you.”
• “You didn't deserve what happened to you.”
• “I'm sorry this happened to you.”
• “You are not what was done to you.”
• “That was abuse, not healthy sexuality.”
• “I support you in your healing process.

Source  

• Ask them if they are okay
• Listen
• Let them know about Safe Steps and other services
• Offer practical assistance and emotional support

Source  

• Encourage her to talk to someone who can help. ...
• If she decides to stay, continue to be supportive 

Source  

• Don’t criticise or blame
• Don’t pressure them to leave
• Don’t tell them what to do
• Don’t give up on them 

If you are in immediate danger, call 000 for Police and Ambulance help if you are in immediate danger.

1800RESPECT

1800 737 732

This is a 24-hour national sexual assault, family and domestic violence counselling line for any Australian who has experienced, or is at risk of, family and domestic violence and/or sexual assault.

@Ashby 

[Bunniekins]

@everyone i am looking for my father he would be old now in his 70s/80s his name is s*** [edited by moderator].  he is my birth father.  my adopted father was a brute.  he was abusive mentally and at times physically. he is dead now some 23 years.  i know the rules regarding privacy but i dont care i need to find by birth father as his absence in my life has been terrible. greenpea

[Appleblossom]

@Bunniekins Hearing you ... had abuse from my 2 stand in fathers.  I prefer my biological father even though he was not rich and died young.  Hope you find yours.

[Bunniekins]

@Appleblossom   apple❣️

[Historylover]

@Bunniekins Go to the Electoral Roll Office near you where you can access computerised Australia-wide rolls. That is how I have located family members. Good luck and Happy New Year.

P.S. I've never done this—but I think people put calls out on Facebook? Another option?

[Ashby]

I believed at the time (not now) I was at least partly responsible for what was happening. If I kept the house tidier or kept the kids quiet or cooked a better meal then he would be happy and not angry, wasted a lot of cleaning products🤣 on the little shit. It was never me or my fault but you are right about the shame, as I was ashamed and frightened of what friends and family would think if I failed at the marriage, ashamed of my failures for letting it happen and lacking courage to leave.

I now know the constant coersive control destroyed my confidence and removed the friends that would have helped. Shame is what often stops us getting help, the shame is internal and not related to reality, but you feel shame because you have a kind heart and feel empathy, narcissist feel no shame or empathy.

You should feel proud that you feel shame because it means you are a kind caring person but also realise it is not shame keeping you quiet, so much as it is fear no one will believe you because your partner is so convincing with the lies.

Everyone thought my husband was an angel, they only saw Dr Jackell, where as I lived with Mr Hyde.

[Appleblossom]

Hello @Ashby 

Realising that an unfounded sense of shame is at the bottom of many domestic coercions, gas lighting and violence took me a long time.

As I was sitting in the train, a lady opposite spoke to me. It came out she counselled DV for decades.  In 3 minutes she gave me more recognition than I had received.  I just swayed a little and nodded and gulped and she said she could tell I had been through a lot.  Shame has been huge for my family.  I liked that you said it showed a kind heart.  There is a truth to that, as it does not come with showy superficial bravado, but a depth.  If only we did not have to suffer so much.

I also had a wry smile at your comment

'wasted a lot of cleaning products

 on the little shit."

Women need to keep sharing all these things.  Life is not all done and dusted yet.  

[Ashby]

So glad you met someone who could help, yes it does take time to understand it.
I think this should be tought in school as would save lives.
It does feel good though to finally understand there is only shame on the abuser not the abused.
Life is to short not to have a laugh, glad I brought a smile to your face.❤

[Bunniekins]

@Historylover   thing is i dont know his surname just the suburb 58 years ago and his first name....

[Historylover]

That's tough for you, @Bunniekins. I'm afraid the only other avenue I could suggest is to have your DNA tested by Ancestry.com, for example, who will match yours with those you are related to who are also on the data base. Many have had luck that way.