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Struggling to Survive

Re: Struggling to Survive

I do too @Phoenix_Rising Smiley Sad I don't blame the psychologist - neither of us had any idea where this would lead! We both knew that after each session I was quite distressed - that is why I always had a GP appointment but that last session Pandora's Box opened - not just opened but exploded - and there has been no way of finding all the pieces to be able to put it back together - let alone retrieve it's contents and encase it back in the box again! I have taken some extra meds already tonight and will have a few more soon - then I hope I can follow you into sleep.

Re: Struggling to Survive

@Zoe7 I can't say anything more than what has already been said by @Phoenix_Rising@Former-Member. But keep,posting if you can and if it helps, we are listening, hearing, feeling and hoping the storm will come to an end. If you can sit in the sun for just one minute and listen to the birds singing, I know it's hard to move. Thinking of you for what it's worth.

Re: Struggling to Survive

@Zoe7 Me again, just a thought. Have you tried writing down what's going on in your head. Just write it and get it out a bit. You don't have to show anyone and can burn it afterwards. 

Re: Struggling to Survive

@Maggie You suggested writing what's going on in my head - I already do this when I can actually get words out - but I don't necessarily write it on here! Tonight I am going to...

The nights are the hardest - they always have been. I don't deal with the fears associated with the nights and I certainly do not deal with the nightmares and flashbacks. I am constantly asking myself why I am alive - I really shouldn't be and most days I wish I wasn't. I do not feel like I am 'living' life - never have - merely existing in this vast world - no-one special and no-one truly worthy of taking up space. Are these rational thoughts - possibly not but they are ones that have been ingrained within me from a very young age. Any sense of self-worth that I may have had as a child soon disappeared and it has never had a reason to return. 

Can I actually see any future for me free of this pain - No! Every time I have ever started to see the 'tides turn' and hope for something better for me - I have been let down or hurt again - not once, not twice but multiple times. There is only so much heartache one can endure until they say 'enough is enough'. I have reached that point. So everyday now is a struggle to stay alive. Everday is one I simply 'get through'. There is no real joy, no real excitement for what could be - just a resignation that this is how it is - this is my 'life'. No-one should have to endure this - no-one should have to wish for each day to end but know that the nights will then come and the cycle will start again.

I am definitely living one continuous nightmare where reality is often blurred or completely absent. How do you continue to 'survive' when even your sense of what is real and what isn't is so confusing? I don't have any answers - and I can't ever see that there will be any! So I continue to be in pain, I continue to hurt and I continue to wish it would all end!

Re: Struggling to Survive

I have been trying so hard to keep connected and try to move through my pain but I can't do it anymore. It has been such an effort to try to distract myself and even though supporting others has given me brief moments of respite I am not able to sustain even that for too long. I am so physically and mentally unwell and I so tired. I honestly do not know what the next minute, hour, day, week will bring with it. I do know something has to give - and soon - or I will be so far into the darkness that I cannot see me coming back out. For all those that I care about here - I am not giving up - but I may give in - time does not seem to be on my side and I have completely lost the will to fight. Sleep may help but that is never a given with me - usually quite the opposite. What will be will be - I just don't know what that will be!

Re: Struggling to Survive

There's a big difference between giving in and giving up @Zoe7. I to only come out for brief moments, you are doing the best you can do, no one can expect any more from you than that. Resting with you letting you know you are not alone or forgotten in the darkness. I have a black current and nectarine candle to share, you might not see the light, but hopefully you get the scent. 

Re: Struggling to Survive

Re: Struggling to Survive

Hi @Zoe7,

I am just coming past to let you know I am thinking of you. I wish there was something helpful that I could say or do...but I know you know there isn't, so I will just plonk myself down here with you. Smiley Happy

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Re: Struggling to Survive

@Phoenix_Rising @Maggie There really isn't anything anyone can say. This is certainly a solo path that I am on - and a very dark one at that. Other's can offer advice or make suggestions on how to deal with this but they cannot walk in my shoes and they cannot take away the pain. I know people empathise and understand it is extrememly hard - and I do wish I could 'talk' about exactly what I am feeling - but the truth is most of the time I don't know myself - all I know is I am totally exhausted and every minute of every day I have to fight to get through. I still want to just go to sleep and never wake up - nice and peaceful - and this will be all over. I have absolutely no idea how I have managed to stay alive this long, and absolutely no idea how I have managed to live any kind of life before this. It really has been like I have been living in a fog all my life and when that fog was lifted what emerged was a world full of pain. I do not know how to deal with this. I do not want to have to deal with this. If only I could go back to that 'foggy' life - I may not have been happy or 'present' in that life, and I may have been merely existing, but I was not in a constant nightmare.  I do feel like there is nothing stopping me from giving in to my thoughts but frankly I am too exhausted at the moment to act on them - just another failure in my own mind!

Former-Member
Not applicable

Re: Struggling to Survive

Hello my dear friend @Zoe7

So sorry to read that you are still struggling. When we are exhausted and not sleeping well - everything feels like we are walking uphill and getting nowhere. It's becomes about putting one foot in front of the other then, one day at a time. You don't know how you made a life for yourself in the past - but you did. You don't know how you are alive today, but you are. You don't know how you will cope in the future - but you will. As it is an act of the will. And you are stronger than you think. What we feel and think about can be deceiving - I know that only too well.

None of us can take someone's pain away totally - but we can help carry them through it. And my friend - you aren't heavy. Lean on us. Laugh with us and feel better, cry/talk with us and feel connected. We aren't going anywhere ever. You aren't alone. Love is around you always.

When constantly fatigued like you are describing I know only too well and everything can feel like a mammoth task. You really need to sleep my friend. That can make all the difference sometimes and when refreshed we venture out a little more and connect.  Is there anything you can do or take to help with your insomnia? (a cruel affliction)

I feel tired all the time too so do relate to what you are saying. And on bad days nothing much helps - but love and encouragement and purpose can keep me going. Purpose being a big one. It's how we view things/life that can make a difference to our motivation to keep trying. Don't lose sight of your dreams my friend. Don't lose sight of your purpose. Hold onto hope as that light is waiting, it's just hard to see at times. Sending lots of love whilst I sit with you. ❤️

 

 

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