@Snowie @NatureLover @Jynx @Captain24
just gonna put a trigger warning just in case.
I had a really bad night last night. Not much sleep at all. It’s my mums birthday today, so busy morning this morning. Then I had a gp appointment. I think it’s the first time I’ve ever had to wait to see her. She was running 1/2hr late. Then she wanted me to see the nurse, and she was already with a patient. I sat and waited, but had to leave cause I had an appointment with my psychologist. I let the receptionist know I had to leave and explained that I could deal with it at home.
While sitting waiting for my psychologist the nurse called me and said that they wanted me to come back after my psychologist appointment 😩 and it wasn’t the nice nurse.
My psych appointment was really rough. There is always so much to ‘check in’ with at the beginning of each appointment which takes up so much time. Then we started going through the timeline I completed ages ago. We didn’t get very far before I was a blubbering mess. We came up with some core beliefs that I’ve had for a very long time about myself, the world and certain people. My psych said that was helpful to know…. We also talked about a possible reason why my trauma symptoms have been so bad the last couple of months and not previously having no idea why…. The body remembers… our subconscious does weird things. My trauma started when I was roughly 8. My daughter has recently turned 8. I broke down. People that were suppose to protect me, suppose to care for me and keep me safe did not. After sharing some of the things that I experienced as a child, my psych started talking about neglect. I’d never considered neglect something that I had experienced, but my psych explained that it’s clear as day that that’s something I went through…. On top of everything else.
So much going on inside my head about all that we talked about. Opened a huge can of worms and now I have to put a lid on it for a fortnight.
Then I had to go back to my gp clinic to see the nurse. All the shame sitting there. She doesn’t talk to me while she does what she does. Just makes sighing noises as she figures out what to do.
I did mums cake as soon as I got home and it wasn’t working out cause it was far too hot. It was frustrating me so much. Making me spiral in my head. I was getting frustrated that I had to do the cake in the first place, I hadn’t been on the treadmill yet for the day and that was playing huge on my mind and stressing about when or even if I would get the chance to do so. And I so desperately just wanted some me time to process my appointment/s and to feel safe and do what my psych said to do and self soothe.
im feeling so on edge and vulnerable. Got family coming for dinner and I feel responsible for dinner and cake. I don’t wanna see people. I want to hide. I want to feel safe.
