I think it's time to get some help

[MissinTooth]

Hi,

I'm new here and I'm still learning how it works, so I apologise if I've chosen the wrong forum for this post. I don't have any diagnosis and I've never gotten help for my mental health concerns, but I have good, trusted friends who work in the mental health sector and they have suggested that perhaps my concerns are related to CPTSD. I also...without a doubt have a lot of anxiety. I'm a teacher and my teacher friends have also questioned whether I am either on the spectrum or have ADHD. It's hard because a lot of my symptoms run across diagnosis.

I have struggled with anxiety since my early teens. It has always had an impact on me, on my sleep and on my daily life. I have also had bouts of self-injury as I was growing up. The CPTSD came to the forefront when I did an early childhood regression meditation with a skilled practitioner and it brought back memories that I didn't even know that I had and I still actually don't have full access to. I grew up in a tough, but loving family. But unfortunately, it could border on being physically, mentally and emotionally abusive at times. Things would be going along okay and then it would explode, then it would go back to being okay. My Mum has her own issues - possibly undiagnosed autism and she would lash out from time to time. My younger brother grew up angry and I have memories of me hiding in my bedroom because he would fly into a rage and my parents would have to call the police. 

I've also experienced several traumatic events during my childhood, including watching my Dad be beaten on the doorsteps of a closed police station, seeing a car crash into a river, losing my grandparents and now I know I was also abused by a man and a woman who were close to the family. But, I don't remember who...I can access memories of how it felt, and it sometimes resurfaces in my dreams as flash backs. 

I have also experienced traumatic events in my adulthood, including bullying in a work place, witnessing a friend die in a car crash and my own melanoma diagnosis. 

Following the childhood regression meditation and the surfacing of those memories, I would have huge panic attacks that would leave me curled up on the floor unable to breath with my heart beating that fast it felt like it was exploding. In 2023 I became suicidal and had plans and images of how I would take my life. Thank fully, I also had a lot of support and had a plan for how I would live. 

In December 2023, I quit my teaching job, sold almost everything I owned and drove from Tasmania, to Queensland. It was there that I started to do a little bit of work on getting healthy. I started meditating, journalling, going to breathwork classes and sound healing classes. I had a daily practice of grounding my energy on the beach. I even went on retreat to Fiji, where I learnt about manifestation and did some somatic and NLP work. However, the person I lived with (we were friends) became mentally and emotionally abusive. I wasn't allowed to have friends because when I did, things would become really tense and hard at home. I didn't have my own space in the home - only my bedroom, which I was almost afraid to come out of because I would get in her way and then she would start slamming things around and yelling. I tried to find my own house, but with a lot of people applying and rental prices through the roof, it didn't happen. Eventually she told me that she wanted me out - she wouldn't kick me out, but she didn't want me there any more. I spent a whole year crying almost every night. So, I made the decision to come home to Tasmania. Thirteen months since I left, I brought myself home.

I landed a teaching job straight away, started studying child and adolescent mental health and lived with my parents for seven weeks. Now, I have been out in my own home for about a week and a half and a couple of days ago, I was hit with an anxiety attack that caused my thoughts to spiral to worst case scenario. The problem was that I had started to relax and feel safe and with that came the fear of losing it. I was spiralling about something that could happen 8 months down the track - my teaching contract is only for this year, so I could lose my job and not be able to pay rent which means losing my house. 

I reached out to a friend who helped me come out of my brain and into my body. I learnt a new breath technique and a plan should my anxiety come to visit again. 

I am really self aware and that is both a blessing and a curse because I see and understand how anxiety and CPTSD impact on me and on my life. I am connected to my body. I understand energetics and frequency. I have strategies that I can use. I have had Reiki treatments and I read and listen to multiple podcasts about anxiety and mental health. But I'm tired. I'm tired and frustrated that my anxiety and mental health issues can have such a huge impact on my life - even when things are going well and life is good. I would love to be able to enjoy the good things in my life without the fear of losing it all kicking in. 

So, this week, I feel the nudge to finally look at doing some therapy. But I'm hesitant because I'm incredibly slow to trust and I clam up when around strangers and out of my comfort zone. I'm also not comfortable talking about my childhood and my experiences. Therapy also unaffordable for me at the moment. I'm meeting a friend for coffee next week and she is going to pass on the number of a free telephone service (she said you get 30 minutes a week free counselling) and I joined here. For me, it's somewhere to start. 

[tyme]

Hey @MissinTooth ,

Thank you for taking the time to share your story and your journey thus far. This takes a lot of courage to do so, escpecially when we are in a vulnerable place.

I'm hearing how much work you have done to get to where you are now. Whilst there have been so many ups and downs, you have persisted and your resilience shines through.

It's not easy to pack up all and move to another state, yet you have done this. This would have been a window of incredible uncertainty which you have conquered. 

Then, having a teaching job is not easy at all. I can say this on behalf of all teachers out there and here on the forums. Whilst the love of teaching is there, burnout is real, and this is why self-compassion and self-care is so important.

We are here to support you all the way.

If you are interested, you can check your eligibility for SANE's Guided Recovery https://www.sane.org/referral

If you aren't eligible for it now, you will be from 1st July 2025 as it will be open to all postcodes then.

We look forward to walking alongside you as you journey.

What are some of your protective factors? Things that keep you going?

[MissinTooth]

@tyme I've been at the point of burnout with my teaching career and questioning whether I fit within the system. I've lost students to suicide, I've been threatened and attacked by students, sworn at and was largely unsupported. It was a huge tipping point for me.

In Queensland I tried to do something else. I worked as a support worker - with youth up to the age of 18. I worked as an inclusive practice educator in a child care and I taught Kindergarten. But all I wanted to do was teach.

The job I have now is tough, but I'm finding my love and enjoyment for teaching again. It's a slow process, but it's a worthy one. I truly believe that it's my purpose to teach and help young people. 

Protective Factors - My neice was part of the reason why I chose home instead of heading off to another state, another town. She's nearly two and I love her to bit. She's so precious. 

My sense of purpose. As I said, I strongly believe that it is my purpose to teach, to work with and to help young people who are like me. I write a weekly blog about my experiences and what I'm learning and it helps to know that I can help others in the process. 

I have some very supportive and wonderful friends. My circle is small, but they are wonderful. 

And I love to learn. It causes a huge stress in my life, because I have a lot of perfectionism and have attached my value to being a successful learner but, it's something that I do actually enjoy. 

[Alisse]

Hi @MissinTooth 

Thank you for sharing your story, it takes courage to open up like you have, sharing such a range of complex issues and experiences, you certainly have had a lot to deal with and compounded by your constant companion...anxiety.

I just want to say youv'e done something incredibly brave by being here and being so vulnerable in your share, allowing us to see you in your truth. 

Its' clear you have great self-awareness, strength and a willingness to keep trying, even when things feel overwhelming, that's resilience.  You've made hard decisions in search of healing, from facing childhood trauma, navigating constant anxiety, relocating interstate, rebuilding your life, to even participating in therapy practices like childhood regression meditation, you've done so much hard work to better understand yourself, that's inspiring.

It also makes perfect sense that you're feeling tired, you've been surviving and growing through so much.  This exhaustion does'nt mean you're failing, it means you've been holding on and now you're ready to recieve some of the support you deserve.  I love your passsion for teaching, and the value you acknowledge in our youth as the future generation.  I'm glad you find purpose in such an incredibly important role but understand the emotional toll this can have and the effects of burnout.  Please take care of yourself.

Therapy can feel daunting, especially when trust has been an issue, and I hear you've had a number of questions and concerns around your symptoms and possible diagnosis.  All I can suggest is take small steps, go at your own pace and you will find you build rapport with support people or services that will help guide you on your recovery journey.  Starting with that free service and joining this supportive space are wounderful first steps. You don't have to do it all at once, or have all the answers.

You are not broken, you are someone who has been deeply impacted by your life experiences, and is doing their best to forge a recovery path.  This is something to be honored, you deserve support that is gentle, affirming and trauma-informed.  This is possible, slowly and safely, with the right care. Please know that you're not alone here, anxiety is complex, and your'e among people who understand.

I hope you build a connection with someone at the free service and continue to reach out to us here.  Best of luck.

Kindly Alisse

[MissinTooth]

@Alisse the idea of therapy...it's really difficult to wrap my head around. I don't trust easily and my trust is easy to break and I don't know...maybe I have a little bit of hesitancy because it feels like...admitting defeat. Maybe I have a little bit of shame? 

[MissinTooth]

@Alisse @tyme 

I've filled out the forms for SANE's guided recovery program. I feel really strange about it - I don't know if I can explain it. I am really nervous about the first call. 

I am struggling with my anxiety at the moment. I spent a full week heightened, this morning I woke up feeling hyperactive and went for a walk, and thought that maybe I wouldn't feel it today, but this evening, I feel it churning in my stomach again. 

[Alisse]

Hi @MissinTooth 

I understand that the concept of therapy, trusting someone and sharing the most vulnerable parts of yourself can seem overwhelming, frightening even, but I want to assure you, with confidence, that no one in this space is here without being sensitive, compassionate and non judgemental to the suffering of others. 

The feelings of shame you mentioned, are commonly felt by those with mental health issues, and can be a barrier to them seeking help. 

I'm pleased to hear that you have not allowed these feelings and your anxiety to obstruct you in reaching out, joining the recovery program, prioritising your needs and beginning your healing journey. 

I'm so proud of you and am sure you will gain a lot of confidence and flourish under the support offered through this program. 

Well done, wishing you a nourishing healing journey.

Kindly Alisse

[MissinTooth]

@Alisse thank you for your reply.

I don't really know how to respond. 

I didn't have a good night's sleep. I woke up after about an hour of sleep...just feeling unsafe and scared...but of what? I don't really know. It happens from time to time. I did go back to sleep eventually. But I've woken up on edge and anxious. 

I am super conscious of the fact that it isn't a public holiday any more and that means that I could very well get a phone call or email regarding the guided recovery program...

My thoughts have been on whether opening up, talking and sharing, seeking help in this space and with the guided program is making my anxiety worse. I've felt a bit like a cat on hot coals over the past couple of days. 

I think the doubts are just a product of my anxiety and general fear of therapy and talking to someone.

Don't be proud of me yet, I haven't answered the call yet. 

[Alisse]

Hi @MissinTooth 

You don't need to have all the answers, actually any answers at all, just keep showing up for yourself, putting one foot in front of the other, and be brave enough to continue to engage in the recovery process.

I hear that your fear and anxiety is heightened, this is a natural human response to something new, and the added element of being vulnerable with someone, only compounds these feelings. 

However, I strongly believe, you have nothing to fear by taking the call and giving yourself the chance to see if the program resonates with you. 

Best outcome, you find answers to your questions, learn new coping skills and get the support you deserve to manage your anxiety and begin to live the happy and meaningful life you want.  

I'm certain you will be glad you gave yourself this opportunity, you're worth it. I encourage you to continue to be brave.

Kindly Alisse

[tyme]

Had you had your first call @MissinTooth from the Recovery Health Health workers?

I hear that your first call can be very anxiety-provoking. Tell yourself we're holding your hand and sitting with you 🙂