I'm sick of trying

[lhl]

I have BPD and I snapped. I don't normally act out, I take it out on myself usually, but I don't want to keep going anymore. What's the point?

[Former-Member]

Hello @lhl and welcome to the Forums.

I’m sorry to hear that you’re feeling like you don’t want to keep going anymore. That’s a really difficult place to be. It sounds like something’s happened today that has really impacted you. It can be so difficult when our emotions reel out of control and everything just feels too hard. You have mentioned that usually you take it out on yourself, which suggests you have felt this way before and the feeling has passed. That tells me that you have the strength to get through this feeling today as well.

Sometimes when people say they don’t want to keep going anymore, they are talking about suicide. Is that what is happening for you today, lhl? If you are thinking about suicide, it’s really important to talk to someone. Is there someone you can call right now?

The following services are available 24/7 to talk through whatever is going on for you, so you can also give them a call:

Lifeline: 13 11 14 or Crisis Chat

Suicide call back service: 1300 659 467 or online counselling

Samaritans: 135 247

Would it be helpful to share a bit of what has happened today that’s got you feeling this way? These forums are not a crisis service so if you are feeling unsafe it’s really important to contact one of the numbers above, but there are lots of people here who have been through really tough times and I’m sure will relate to some of what you’re experiencing today.

[Former-Member]

@lhl I'm also sending you an email to check in.

[Bat_Girl]

Hi @lhl snap. I also have BPD and am sick of trying to make it through. Has something triggered you today or has it been building up? It may help to write out a few more details of how you're feeling and why. This forum is a great place to share your struggles and direct the pain away from yourself. I hope to see an update from you when you're feeling up to it. Take care, B_G.

[lhl]

@Bat_Girl and @Former-Member thanks for your replies. My relationship with my mother is quite unstable at times. Since I was about 4-5 I was the one she talked to about father's affairs, and I've known about domestic violence ever since I can remember. When I agree with her, things are fine, but when I'm stressed and if my tone changes even slightly aggressive or frustrated, she gets mad. I try and avoid showing anything because of this, otherwise it gets into a cycle that's really hard to break. I lost control today, unfortunately and we were both yelling. It's been a few hours but I can't calm down. I can't afford to waste this time, I have uni interviews in two weeks. Any tips on how to ignore/ get over bpd anger quickly would be much appreciated.

Thanks, and sorry for the long post.

- lhl

[Former-Member]

Hi @lhl

Thanks for replying. It sounds like it's been a tough day again. What helps with anger can really depend on the individual, so if you can remember anything that has helped with other intense emotions, that could be something to start with.

You might also like to check out these conversations where other members have shared tips:

Intense anger

BPD and the rage

Feel free to add your own thoughts to those discussions too 

[BlueBay]

Hi @lhl

I have BPD sbd I totally understand the anger. I get angry quite a lot snd lose it. 

Happy yo chst rith you. 

[Fredd50]

Hi @lhl

I can relate to the anger, and the situation with your mum too.

I'm much older (41) but I recently went back to visit my mum in another state for a couple of months and it felt like all my hard work went out the window. 

I love my mum, she's an amazing woman. But that dynamic is tough.

This might sound weird but one thing that really helped was not being angry at myself about my anger. That beating myself up and feeling humiliated about it was really hurting me. That it was ok to get angry and learn from that anger and respond to myself with kindness instead of judgement.

It also helped to recognise that it was OK to get away from my mum, I don't have to love her any less to recognise that we aren't great at living in the same space.

Another thing that really helped was a thing called "open heart meditation" there's various places to go to to do it in a capital city, or there's online apps, for that and other relaxation, soothing and meditation.

Anything that involved relaxing and being in my own space, without having to cede to the demands of others really helped. But at the same time, having people around who were supportive and didn't pathologise my experiences really helped too - especially when they were willing to respect my boundaries instead of telling me what to do.

Also just remembering that everything does pass, all feelings pass, and that when the intensity calms down, as it will, I will feel better and soothing myself with big hugs, pets to cuddle if they're available, or a big fluffy soft toy if not.

Everyone's different, and different things work for different people, but hang in there - things do get better, sometimes little bit by little bit as we learn. You're an amazing, unique person as everyone is and it sounds like you have survived a lot of difficult times. It's ok to feel angry, it doesn't mean you've failed at anything. And it's ok to want to feel safe, and find whatever works for you to get that safety, inside and out.

Really hope things have been getting a bit better for you in the last couple of days. Big, best wishes.

[Fredd50]

Hi @lhl

I can relate to the anger, and the situation with your mum too.

I'm much older (41) but I recently went back to visit my mum in another state for a couple of months and it felt like all my hard work went out the window. 

I love my mum, she's an amazing woman. But that dynamic is tough.

This might sound weird but one thing that really helped was not being angry at myself about my anger. That beating myself up and feeling humiliated about it was really hurting me. That it was ok to get angry and learn from that anger and respond to myself with kindness instead of judgement.

It also helped to recognise that it was OK to get away from my mum, I don't have to love her any less to recognise that we aren't great at living in the same space.

Another thing that really helped was a thing called "open heart meditation" there's various places to go to to do it in a capital city, or there's online apps, for that and other relaxation, soothing and meditation.

Anything that involved relaxing and being in my own space, without having to cede to the demands of others really helped. But at the same time, having people around who were supportive and didn't pathologise my experiences really helped too - especially when they were willing to respect my boundaries instead of telling me what to do.

Also just remembering that everything does pass, all feelings pass, and that when the intensity calms down, as it will, I will feel better and soothing myself with big hugs, pets to cuddle if they're available, or a big fluffy soft toy if not.

Everyone's different, and different things work for different people, but hang in there - things do get better, sometimes little bit by little bit as we learn. You're an amazing, unique person as everyone is and it sounds like you have survived a lot of difficult times. It's ok to feel angry, it doesn't mean you've failed at anything - it's a natural human emotion that senses injustice and it does pass, it's just sometimes at it's strongest when it's been built up and unheard. And it's ok to want to feel safe, and find whatever works for you to get that safety, inside and out.

Really hope things have been getting a bit better for you in the last couple of days. Big, best wishes.

[Cillian]

I also have BPD, I had a major breakdown at the start of this year and assaulted my father and smashed my mother's car window with my head. I sound like an awful person but once the argument started with my father I went into a fit and rage and blacked out. I could not control myself, I woke up to police handcuffing me and spending the night in jail. Has anyone else gone to these extents while suffering from a Boarderline episode?