Friends, Family & Carers Forum

[Goldie1]

Hi,

I am currently trying to support my depressed alcoholic husband-to-be while we wait to get him into detox and a long term rehab facility. The process to get him into these is infuriating and I am left to support him on my own while working full time as a shift worker.

I work in health care so am around sick and injured people all day and then come home to someone who can't do anything for themselves except go to the bottle shop to get more booze. All week we have been battling to get him admitted into detox, now it's the weekend and we can't even call them to check on progress because they are Mon to Fri. So I'm left on my own again without any real support.

Talking to people only does so much, I need him out of my house but he is not 'sick' enough to go to hospital. They are going to have two mentally unwell people on there hands soon if this keeps up.

I have just finished a stint of 12 days working in a row and I was on call for my final night, got called in twice and didn't get home until 4am. I don't have the energy for his sad stories right now. I have heard the same thing over and over and over again for a week. Nothing I say or do helps but he is relentless in needing validation that he is a good person, which he then doesn't even believe when you tell him.

How do you deal with the same 'woe is me' line on constant repeat? My compassion is basically at nil and I just need to get away from him. I am not a heartless person I am just at my wits end. He stinks of booze and cigarettes. He hasn't showered in days, he pissed the bed the other night. I can't stand being around it anymore.

Why do I have to care for someone on my own who is this unwell? Why are there no resources for helping people like this? Why does the burden get placed on me? I work so hard and pay so much tax but there are no government services that will give me real, concrete, physical support. Just words and 'awareness campaigns'.

[Former-Member]

Hello @Goldie1

A very warm welcome to Sane. I hear your frustration on the load you are under - and your frustration shared by countless here on the lack of mental health resources available in the Community. Its inadequate and does not address the struggle for those who suffer mental disorders and their carers. You are right, as tax payers these essential services should be there in the Community for all to access. But they are not. Many on here have written to their Federal Minister for Health and his Shadow Minister, their local MP and the health department lodging complaints about this lack of essential mental health resources placing their loved ones whom are suffering and carers at risk. 

The stress you are feeling I can understand and "burn out" could be a problem for you if this goes on too much longer. It's not a lack of compassion when we have given our "all" and nothing improves and it's "all on our shoulders alone" - a person can buckle and come undone under the weight of it all. It's draining. The sooner your partner is in rehab receiving the proper help and care he needs the better for all involved.

You may know this already, but just in case - Al-non family group (which you can google in your area/state) can offer support/advice to those supporting a loved one/partner suffering alcoholism. They may be able to give advice to hasten the procedure to get your husband-to-be into rehab and offer advice of where you can receive support.

I hope this helps a bit and that your husband receives the care he needs soon giving you much both much needed reprieve.

[Lunar]

Hello @Goldie1

A very warm welcome to the forums, it is nice to meet you 🙂

It sounds like you have a lot going on for you, with caring for your partner and their mental health and substance use on top of caring for others as your paid job, from what you have mentioned there is literally no tme for you to be able to care for yourself. Which is understandable that you are burnt out and feeling a lack of compassion, there is only so much one person can take on.

It is great you are still trying ways of reaching out even though you have found next to no help as yet, it is certainly not easy asking for support, so good on you. @Former-Member mentioned Al-non which is great support, there is also Mental Health Carers Australia, they provide respite, counselling, support groups and programs and recreation days you might want to look into if you get a chance:

Mental Health Carers Australia (formerly ARAFMI National)
National Helpline 1300 554 660
www.mentalhealthcarersaustralia.org.au
Mental Health Carers Australia seeks to: explore and strengthen the mental health caring role, develop knowledge, improve skills and offer support to reduce isolation and enhance the caring journey, and advocate on behalf of carers.
The Mental Health Carers Australia member organisations services across Australia are: ◾Mental Health Carers Tasmania, Mind Australia, Arafmi Mental Health Carers and Friends Association (WA) Inc, Mental Illness Fellowship NT, Mental Health Carers Arafmi Qld, and Arafmi NSW

There are also some other threads with members also talking about their experiences with partners who have depression, you might like to read through. One member @Violet has a great thread called 'Partner has melancholic depression'  and another great thread by @Bluebottle called 'Help struggling with depressed partner who won't speak to me'

There was also a Topic Tuesday even about 'Caring for someone who struggles with alcohol and drugs' that you might be interested in reading too.

I look forward to getting to know you better,

Lunar