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Re: Am I being selfish?

@Anastasia 

Yes, the kids are one of the main reasons I am at the crossroads at present. It can't continue the way it is. 

I have a very hard decision to make, but trust that I will do what I need to for the sake of myself and my children. 

Re: Am I being selfish?

I'm so sorry @DOT2 such a difficult situation for you, not easy by any definition. Glad you are here to seek support through this extremely heartbreaking time for you 💞

Re: Am I being selfish?

@Smile82 

I hope your couples therapy provides you with some resolve. 

I think the guilt of leaving someone who is ill makes it so much harder, that deep down knowing that separating is the best option,  but needing reassurance that by doing so, you're not being seen as a bad person. Not to be judged negatively. 

Take care of yourself. x 

Re: Am I being selfish?

@Anastasia @Smile82 @DOT2  Oh its a minefield out there guys, dating is an absolute minefield apparently so I am told. A 'separation' isn't a separation at all, apparently its just a holiday. Yes, some people have tried all the buns, most buns in the bakery. Me being from the tiny island of Lesbos I have limited choice you see, there's just one habitat I can choose from but other peoples statistics are much much higher if you are Pan. PanAmerica, to hell with it Pan the entire World, when it comes to buns for Hetero's and Bis. 

 

Well. If your loved one is chronically suicidal they must be chronically at the hospital? What is the local hospital doing to help you? Is there a hospital to home service through your Primary Health Network? When I was in hospital 3 times in 2019 there were patients that were transferred to the private clinic that had been in the public hospital for months with this particular presentation,......If your loved one is experiencing a personality disorder I don't think that it is humanly possible to not cope without extensive therapy. You have to train your brain, which is very slow and arduous. Apparently there are free courses in certain areas but they are snapped up very quickly. I was told they go for 6/12 months........but people with money can design their own, they can pay for private people to come to the house if they want to. It depends how much financial resources you have.......but then again you can be the wealthiest person in the world, if the person is not willing to engage in the process they are not willing to engage.....this has happened in my extended family and the definitions in the Mental Health Act are a lot narrower than the public believe so a person can't be held against their will except in certain circumstances......I just can't see how couple's counselling is going to help root causes. Its almost like you're being avoidant. Corny 

Re: Am I being selfish?

@Smile82 

 

I must confess I haven't read everyone's replies so I'm sorry if I repeat myself.

 

Mine has ASD, PTSD and bipolar... many years diagnosed but I've only been with him 3. Everytime he pushes me to the brink when I feel I have to end it for my own safety and sanity we manage to salvage "us" from the wreckage again.

 

His new p-doc believes most of what goes on is primarily the ASD which is why I've never been able to help him manage the bipolar. His doctors have now explained that they can't help the ASD and that is the condition I have to come to terms with. His reactions to the world are beyond is control or any treatment so I am learning to respond differently and not drive myself beyond endurance trying to second guess his reactions and make everything perfect. 

 

Sometimes the tiny little things get to me... like having to knock before I enter a room in my own house.. but I knock because if I just walk in it startles him and it could trigger a meltdown. He adores me and is very affectionate, but at inappropriate times. What he has imprinted as an appropriate amount of physical intimacy I feel is probably reflective of his much younger self; I've read that they have touble transferring the first flush of passion through to the parameters of a stable, long-term relationship. He is 60 with previous relationships lasting 5 or 6 years. I'm 58 and was married for 26. "I don't care if you and Kathryn used to do it twice a day every day, that was in 1987!" But I don't say that, and I've learnt to fake it.

 

From the outside looking in, with no background knowledge, it is a lay down misere that he is abusing me, gaslighting me and controling me beyond what is reasonable. But its not that simple. 

 

He can't read my body language and is very literal so I must choose my words carefuly. I have "run away" a few times for a couple of nights in a bnb for some breathing space and this always sends him spiralling into depression, but it recharges my batteries.

 

Things came to a head a few weeks ago (again) and this time I actually told him how frightened of him I'd become. That has made a difference because he had no idea. 

 

ASD in women manifests inself differently to men, and everyone within those subsets is different. Both his sons are diagnosed as well, and all three are very, very different from each other.

 

I offer no advice because I know I would be happier in the long run without him, but I stay. He tried to end it after the last breakup. His very elderly father has told me that if I left, and he did, the family would not hold me responsible and neither must I. His father thinks I should leave. But I stay.

 

I do not expect him to meet my needs... what does that even mean? I don't believe that anyone should have such expectations of another person. Do you mean sex? That's tricky as successful couples are usually in sync in that regard... but not with someone on the spectrum. Their sensory perceptions can be too acute for any sort of spontaneity and often need a fair bit of time to prepare. Overlay that with childhood abuse and maybe that area may never meet your needs.

 

My p-doc asked me why his mental health was more important than mine and the answer was very simple. I may be angry, frustrated, exhausted, sad and lonely... but I am not ill and he is.

 

I also think "self-care" is a term bandied about too much. No amount of foot massages, quiet reflection, or afternoons out with "the girls" are going to change the amount of stress I live with every day or give me the tools to deal with/circumvent his meltdowns. What I long for more than anything in this world is a day at home alone. A day where I don't have to keep stopping what I'm doing to listen to him rant about politics, or rage about something someone said to him 15 years ago, or to find something he's lost before he melts down again or to "go for a nap" as he calls it.

 

Are you being selfish? How can someone else make that call. How dare someone else make that call.

 

For myself, yes I would think I was being too selfish if I left him but I think I'm being too selfish if I eat the last donut or use the bathroom first, so I'm the last person to ask. One day it will probably end because of something he does, to me or to himself. I have an emergency case in the car for when I feel unsafe and he has lifeline on speed dial for when he does.

 

I left my husband of 26 years because I knew he would be happier. He is. A decade later he is very, very happy and I know the story would have been different for him if I'd stayed.

 

There are a lot of very special people out there living the lives we live trying to care for partners with severe MI. You will find much wisdom and support in this group.

S

Re: Am I being selfish?

Hello @SJT63 💕🌹💞

Re: Am I being selfish?

Hi @Smile82 @DOT2 

Hope you are both finding your way around? Thinking of you guys ☺️

Re: Am I being selfish?

Thank you everyone for your support and advice. I am grateful to know I am not alone. 

there has been movement and I have now left my wife. It is very sad as I do love her. She has not taken it well and was admitted to hospital 4times over the last week and yesterday kept in for inpacient stay. 

I will still support her as much as she allows me too. but After a discussion with her where she first ended it saying indeserved better and pointing out I hopefully have 40+ years of life left I realised I can not live treading water all that time when in my heart I am so ful of energy and excitement for life. 

I wish you all good luck in your personal situations. 

 

Re: Am I being selfish?

You are right she is chronically in hospital 4th stay this year. 11weeks since jan. but has been in and out the public system for 3years. Because I have been good support they discharge after few days in public push all on me all the time. Private have been better but I told them twice of three she was not ready for discharge still suffering with serious dissociation but no one listens to the partner. Last time no one even spoke to me and she was really unwell on discharge that was last Friday. She is back in now but has been to ED three time in the 6days between due to suicidal behaviours.

I hope they will actually help now we have separated and keep her in hospital and treat her so she is better when discharged. Or at least bit better.

Re: Am I being selfish?

I'm new to the forum and just been following your journey over the last few minutes, reading from when you were first considering leaving her to the point where you actually had to make the step. I can't make any judgement on whether it is selfish or not, but I know how you feel and I'm grateful not to have to make such a hard decision because my MI partner made the decision for us. All I know is that in the past when I've felt overwhelmed and tried to end our marriage, he refused to go and well, realistically then there's not much I can do about it.

 

I'm writing this a few months after your last post, but I'm kinda in the same boat in that I have to face that my marriage is near its end. Your partner sounds like she loves you but I understand how that's not enough. Of course, right now I feel like what wouldn't I give for my husband to love me again, to see and appreciate everything I've given or tried to give instead of twisting everything I've done into a reason to resent me more. He's just requested a divorce, with the mandatory 12 month separation, and despite my heartbreak and pain, I promptly agreed. There'll be no marriage counselling for us. I don't see the point. He's itching to get into the skirt of whoever he's chatting up through his addiction to the gaming online community. I'm not worth him losing weight but he'll do it in the future for one of them. So if she loves you, please know that's a just a little more than I have at the moment. Earlier I wondered if I should have searched for forums and support groups sooner, maybe there might have been a way my marriage could have been saved if I had been able to apply some magic knowledge. But instead I came here at the point when my marriage was just lost. And here's the thing, seeing your journey as an alternative for what mine might have been had I been seeking answers earlier, there is at the same time both comfort and futility. Futility because of how it is looking like a happy ending for our kind of relationships is rare if non-existent and the bitter comfort in that whatever road we take seems to lead to the end anyway. I can't judge if what you are doing was selfish or not but an angry part of me feels like going into the lived experience side and yell at how selfish and self absorbed and delusional they all are, but of course that doesn't help anyone or anything, so I won't be going there. Oh and if that's the year of your birth then that's the same as mine. How we cling and try to find comfort in the most minor of similarities. 

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