Saturday Soiree - all welcome!!

[Historylover]

Pleased to read that music is continuing to provide you with a valued musical and social outlet, @Appleblossom.

[Appleblossom]

@StanD Hoping you do find it worthwhile on the forums and continue to do so. 

I have huge feelings of worthlessness ... that I rarely go into on here.  If I give it to much room it may not be a good idea so I persevere with any ideas that have been fruitful for me. 

 "desperate to talk because I feel like I'm not being heard?" Maybe. maybe not.  Whats wrong with that anyway?  I have gone through silent periods and vocal periods and busy verbal periods ... eg typing from the 1970-80s and return to study which has been a theme most of my life.  

@Historylover Music is not without its challenges for me. Did music last night with group of 3 women.  It is very delicato socially for me ...they are trying to be nice but because they are socially very confident am feeling gradually losing a sense of the cloak or veil with which I have covered myself musically. It is as tho I am losing my very finely wrought tapestry connecting body mind and soul, and having it. Not sure how it is going to unfold. Hoping my feelings of worthlessness do not escalate to defensiveness.  Last night the interpersonal dynamic triggered me and I was in trauma mode... quietly ... I packed up and was uncertain whether to join them in chat.   I could not accept food from them and sat quietly minimally engagling in conversation.  I also have a lot of general head and eye strain ... along with slinal issues....

Today I have physio and promised 2 friends I will show up at a choir practise ... but it is also a bit of a vipers ... den ... I think you once described some churches that way ... such a very mixed bag ...is growing up and maturity recognising this and learning to construct safe boundaries or defences ...  Somehow I am really bad at that.... feel it might even relate ... to similarities of being in "out of home" care ... like @StanD ... something structural about our childhoods rather than intrinsic to our personalities or souls.

 

Anyway enuff waffle from me ...lighten up Apple ...its a bloomin soiree!

Icecream anyone???

@tyme @Shaz51 

[Historylover]

@Appleblossom, personally it's been a rubbishing day here. Yesterday I decided to do an early/late Spring clean. I manged to do 2/3 of the kitchen, but only did another 1/12 today. I'm afraid my brokenness has overtaken me again and I am looking for meaning in this existence. I keep wandering into churches, but the catholic ones seem to be the only ones whose doors are always open. I've sat in the foyer of a couple of eucharist services and was left feeling like it was a much-needed warm hug, like this is what my soul is yearning for. But is it all wolves in sheep's clothing or do nice people really exist somewhere? So many people have been damaged by the catholic church and not just children. It seems that fallen catholics are everywhere. I don't know what to do. I'm absolutely lost.

Perhaps the smallness of your music group is the problem. Them against you is so much easier in a small group, especially so if they are an already established group. Maintain your distance, you're there for the music, not an inquisition. I think it was community houses I described as a viper's den, but any established group seems to have the same mechanisms in place. Acquainting myself with church is only new for me. Isn't 'fellowship' offered, and isn't it a sincere offer?

Icecream looks great. Great day for getting my washing dry at last, thank goodness!! 

[StanD]

Hi @tyme your support is invaluable. Thankyou for seeing me.

I didn't know I felt that way. This is the first time I realised the pain inside of me that I have been carrying so long. Being tough. Exhausting. I'm exhausted. I'm not sure I even knew that there was another way.

I'm trying my best to take care of me. Priority, rest. 

& maybe happiness.

Good news - I finally met with my new NDIS support worker today (my first one shafted me!) She seems surprisingly easy to talk to. Plans slowly taking place for lots more help & support for me. It feels incredible.

Hugs x

[tyme]

True @StanD . Sometimes, if you don't look after you, no on else will.

I'm glad to hear you have met your new NDIS support worker. I hope that will be helpful for you - even if it's just sitting to be with you and listening.

I hear it can be lonely sometimes.

We are here for you. Please take care.

[StanD]

Hello @Appleblossom @Historylover thankyou for your replies.

I am too tired to write back. I enjoyed both of your posts. Thankyou.

And ..... Yes please waffle ice cream.

Hi (roomie) @TAB 🍷🥂

[TAB]

@StanD (roomie)

https://youtu.be/GM1kzbAgo_E

[Appleblossom]

All good @StanD Glad you are getting support.

@tyme Hey!

@Historylover 

Energy and motivation vary a lot and yes influence effectiveness. Being effective can be an odd beast ... sometimes ... we go tick tick tick .... but we are both too old to go on tik tok....is that ageist or a bad mum's joke?  

@Historylover 

I discussed the old church open door policy... last week ..with paid staff ... .apparently some insurances are not paying up if a church gets trashed ... such a mixed bag ... in this dog eat dog world ...just a few good pooches. 

Just had big conversation with physio about Catholicism ... He was and I was brought up R.C ...they have some beautiful traditions ... but power imbalance is inherent in the structure of that church ... and can be abused ... the church I attend atm ... at least has dispersed power structure... and a bit more transparency ... maybe the human element is more obvious ... without attempting to cover it with assumed ... sanctity and piety.

Yes I think that is part of the problem with small ensemble. We all play one to a part ... which means we have to be able to concentrate and not lean on each other ....talked about it with Counsellor and on here... so at least I have ongoing support.  I also have been moving from group to group instinctiviely and as terms, events and things unfold ... not getting totally caught up in any one thing... it seems a decent approach... as I do not have all my eggs in one basket....so maybe not as overwhelmed and panicking ... diversify and spreading the risk... and when I step back into the ring ... ready for a bit of sparring  ... 

@TAB I have my boots up on the couch atm ... its my couch ... it was 2nd hand ... will get them off soon... ish.... 

[TAB]

ah yes the song @Appleblossom  I would do that as well if ever got organised enough to get a couch lol

[Appleblossom]

lol ...Put it on the list @TAB opshops ones are not too bad ...