Friends, Family & Carers Forum

[2017]

Hi all,

I have just realised this is a Mental Health carers post. Appoligies as its not Mental Health related.

My best friend told me a couple of days ago that she thinks she is gay. (She asked me to keep it to myself) which is why im reaching out here. As i have some concerns and would love some advice. I feel like i have to reach out to someone.

She has never been with a women before but has always thought "what if..maybe i am.." She is currently Married with 2 children.

She has met a woman on the internet who lives overseas. She is planning on meeting up with her soon as i think she has fallen in love/lust. She was going to tell her Husband before she met with the women. I did tell her that i think that would be the wrong thing to do due to her children and how it will effect them (Primary school aged) As i feel before she ends one relationship for a women she should know for sure that she actually knows she likes women. I don't know if that was the best advice but i guess i was in shock and am only looking out for her and her children.

She loves her Husband very much but just feels that it's not the way for her. She said she has never enjoyed sex and she was so desperate to have children that now that she has and her youngest in in Kindy i guess she has more time to think about it.

She met this women by accident and it's turned out to be more that she expected.

Im very concerned that she is all prepared to give away everything she knows on this women whom she hasn't met yet and she has never experience a lesbian relationship.

I want to be supportive as i can, she is a best friend and i love her to peices and only want what is best for her. I just don't know if she is doing the right thing or if this is the way to go about it.

I don't mean to offend anyone, who may have been in a similar situation and im very new to the etiques of the right and wrong ways to says things.

She hasn't spoken to anyone about this. I would love to give her some information on some support groups whom she could explain her situation to and maybe they could understand her from a different direction.

Thank you for reading and look forward to your responces.

[Janna]

Hi and Welcome 😊

Thanks for posting your concerns regarding your friend up here.  What a great friend you are!  You have listened to your friend and have taken than on board, as well as reached out for advice.  There are no rights or wrongs in this situation.  Your friend has disclosed something very deep and personal and as a good friend you have listened and been completely non-judgemental in doing so.  Life is full of complexities, especially when dealing with relationships.  It appears that your friend has lost "connection" with her husband and is now looking for someone that will "connect" with her.  As a friend I would talk it out with her and try and get to the root of her problems.  What exactly is it that makes her feel that she is gay?  Why does she no longer feel the same for someone who clearly meant something at one point in her life?  Simply being there to listen is fantastic.  In terms of advice I would suggest that she take her time to nut out the feelings that sit behind this monumentous, potentially life altering, mindset.  I would highly recommend that she seek guidance/assistance from a clinical psychologist before make a bold, and potentially distasterous, decision.  She may not be gay, but rather needing someone that connects with her and that someone, at this moment, just happens to be a female.  It is a very complex situation and its great that she has a friend like you to confide in.  

There are some great You-tube videos from "The School of Life" which may be applicable.  Such as:

Stay or leave a relationship?  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YGV5o6UHjxM

Loving and Being Loved  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NhyfBi-Ad4c

Why you shouldn't trust your feelings.  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nZYzzn6W2qc

Plus many, many more that focus on relationships.

The bottom line is that your friend needs to dig a little deeper and try to work on the core issues before leaping into this.  As a good friend you can guide her and also be there alongside her to listen and understand.  

She is so fortunate to have someone like you in her life.

All the best

Janna ❤️

[2017]

Janna thank you so much for your reply.

I do feel that she is so focused on the new relationship and how it feels that she has convinced herself that it's real. (It may well be but man or women I think it's rushed and scary that she is prepared to give up everything) she is normally so sensible. Very family focused and her children come first.

Is there any information you could pass on about knowing if your gay? When I asked her she said she has never enjoyed sex ever in her life. And that she has always felt an attraction to women. (As in thinking they are hot) she said that she has always wondered if she was gay.

Are there any clinical psychologist NOR which you could recommend?

Thank you once again for your reply.

[Janna]

I think the best thing that your friend could do is to make an appointment with a clinical psychologist.  A psychologist would be able to assist with exploring her sexuality.  She needs to tell them exactly what she has told you.  Hopefully with professional assistance she will be able to resolve her issues.  All clinical psychologists are experienced in dealing with all relationship, gender and sexuality issues, amongst many other things.

Janna 

[pip]

Hi @2017. I have just read your interesting post. With your friend, I'm wondering, when she had her children, did she have any sort of PND? When a woman has PND following birth her thinking goes slightly hay-wire. She often believes herself unworthy of having a child, she will question her fitness as a mum. If she talks to another women who gives her the emotional support she needs, sometimes she will tell herself she is 'in love' with this other woman. If she had a difficult, painful, drawn out birth, this too could send her into believing she no longer desires a sexual relationship with her hubby. Sometimes women do question their sexuality if they are physically attracted to another woman, this is not unheard of. Perhaps you could ask her about her children, their births, if she was able to cope after. She possibly views a relationship with another woman is 'safe' because of the fear of another child if she no longer wants children. Sometimes too after having a child, the pain stays with you and the thought of sex brings on the pain related to childbirth. This is also part of PND. Try to get her to see a psychologist just to discuss whether she does have PND. You seem a good supportive friend, she's lucky you are there, but take care of yourself too.

[NikNik]

Hi @2017

It sounds like you're such an awesome friend 🙂 

One resource for you and/or your friend to check out is Qlife - they are a counselling and referral service for LGBTI which you can access through phone (1800 184 527) or online chat

On a slightly different note, precautions have to be taken when meeting someone online and meeting someone from the online world in another country can add significant risk to the situation. If she does decide to travel you might want to work with her to assess the risks and put things in place to mitigate them (eg: have some where else to stay, not the person they are meeting). If you google terms like 'Staying safe when meeting someone from the internet' you will find a lot of resources and articles.

As the others said, just being there and listening will be a huge help and support for her.

Take care

[2017]

Thank you all for your advice and suggestions, it's much appreciated.

I have suggested to her about seeing a psychologist but she doesn't feel that it's necessary. I feel that she is so deep into the situation that her mind is made up.

I feel all I can do is be there for her and hope for the best. I suffer with MH issues myself and I have found that this has been very distressing and overwhelming for me as am consumed by worry. I spoke to my Psychitrist Monday about it and I need to be there but let go of what the potential disaster will be as it was causing me so much anxiety and bringing my mood down.

So as I said, I love my friend very much but at this stage all I can do is be there for her and hope for the best and I will be there for her as much as I can.
Thanks again everyone