Memories of more abuse

[Drac0]

Looks like you are getting some of what I suggested yesterday @BlueBay. Some nice time doing something relaxing in the afternoon & someone else worrying about dinner. Sounds good! Keep it going as long as you can and just enjoy.

Take care.

[BlueBay]

Hi  @Drac0

I did have a nice afternoon on my own.

I phoned a trauma centre near where I live and asked if there was a psych who deals with child abuse. I spoke to the receptionist for a little while and she told me that they don't have a psychiatrist but she can recommend me one.  She gave me the name of a lady psych who specialises in child abuse. So I phoned this psych up and the earliest I can get in is June.  So I will speak to my GP and see what he thinks. He did tell me ages ago that he thought a female psych may be better for me.

I had a coffee with hubby when he finished work and told him who I had rung.  I told him that i was angry with my psych and told him what happend.  No, he never asks how my sessions are and that really frustrates me and makes me angry.  I told him that what my psych saiid about 'well you weren't in a locked room, you could have moved away from the guy in the train'.  My husband agreed with the psych.  What the hell - I was angry and said to my hubby - are you serious, as if I could move at the time that he was pressing his body right up against me.  I was only 18 yrs old and most likely scared to death.  My hubby saw I was angry and then backed down and said 'oh yeah I guess what he said was wrong'.

I just don't get it anymore, i was so angry with hubby.  If he is going to say the wrong thing then don't say anything at all.  I know he tries to say the right thing but he has no idea.  No idea of mental illness, BPD or childhood abuse.

We went to visit his mum before dinner and she seemed okay.  More papers to fill out and a 'no resus paper' had to be signed.  They were asking confronting questions about death and we couldn't answer them. I was getting too upset.

You know sometimes I think my husband is thinking that I must be spending lots of money on therapy.  But i told him today that i don't know how long therapy will be; ive been told it will be a long process; so i have no idea. And it needs to be weekly or fortnightly.  Do you think i like this going to therapy all the time. does he think i wouldn't like to spend my money elsewhere? I just get so angry at times, i feel like i just can't win anywhere.

[Former-Member]

Hi Sadgirl,

Sorry i havent been keeping up with the forums much lately, been feeling frazzled and bit overwhelmed! 

I'm so sorry to read that your therapist said those things. doesn't sound like he has much trauma informed care background at all. Is he a psychologist? or a counsellor? I'm glad you are/or have rung ASCA. I hope that your GP has some other ideas. I would probably put my name down for the lady that was reccomended to you (if you find someone earlier you can always cancel) but if you don't find someone you feel comfortable with before then it would be a good idea to have that in case?

I can understand what you mean about the memories being so vivid and real even after a long time. I hope that these memories settle a bit for you soon and the depression lifts a bit,

keep taking good care of yourself,

LJ

[Drac0]

@BlueBay I know we've discussed writing things down and it comes up in a lot of other threads. But today I found a quote which I think fits right in here.

“So often survivors have their experiences denied, trivialised or distorted.
Writing is an important avenue for healing because it gives you the opportunity to define your own reality.
You can say: This did happen to me. It was that bad.
It was the fault & responsibility of the adult.
I was – and am – innocent”
-- The Courage to Heal, Laura Davis & Ellen Base

Take care.

[CherryBomb]

@Drac0 that is a beautiful quote. I love what you bring to the community. Such wise words. 

[Drac0]

Thank you @CherryBomb.

Was thinking of starting a daily quote thread somewhere. Been finding some fantastic ones recently, with so many being relevant to discussions here. Don't know yet if it's the right thing to do.

Take care.

[CherryBomb]

I lve that idea @Drac0! Might be good for inspiration. But no pressure, only do it if it feel right by you 

[Former-Member]

Hello, i can't read all your thread here as the topic alone triggers me, so much pain. One thing i want to say though it 'i am learning not to trust my thoughts, even the memories. Especially when they seem hell bent on stealing any peace today.

[BlueBay]

Hi @Former-Member

I am sorry if my post has triggered you.  This was not my intention to upset anyone.

If my post has, I am truly sorry.  

I hope you're okay. Take care.

[Former-Member]

Not like that, its ok, no need for apology, i can screen. its was just my way of saying i haven't read all the details. Understand a little though, i had suppressed memory of being raped at 11 that came back like a movie when 23 and dissolved the world i knew. Memories can be powerful both for good & bad. Since my teenage daughter died some memories just torture me, so in that context i am learning to not entertain destructive memories. I have a brother who has memories of being murdered x4 times & resurrected, in this lifetime, and won't consider that this is not possible. The memories are real to him & distressing. Not that yours are not real in the slightest but i've just learned that mu memories are like emotions and don't always serve well. Thats my advice to self when i'm strong, but it is a process. Be kind with yourself today.