Friends, Family & Carers Forum

[Joyce]

My daughter who has bi polar. Anxiety drpression has come home to live with me she is 32. It is so frustrating. She does nothing. Doesnt help with housework i get sick of arguing so just do it mysrlf. She is so prickly all the time. She is so focussed on herself she is oblivious to other peoples problems but it is lucky i am patient and pragmatic or i would go down hill myself. It is such s difficult disease to live with.

[pip]

Dear Joyce. Is your daughter receiving help for the bipolar? Are you? Apparently she could get mood stabilizers to help keep her on an even keel. Bipolar is an awkward illness as the sufferer does experience extreme highs and lows, but with stabilizers the mood should be a bit better. Perhaps suggest that in her room it is her department. However the rest of the house, she shares so therefore does her share. Set some simple boundaries if she won't co-operate, explain the house rules for the rest of the house INCLUDE her. If she expects you to clean HER room, explain that even though she has bipolar, she is 32, therefore her room is her responsibility.

[pip]

Hi Joyce. I did not mean to imply you had bipolar. I'm so sorry if I came across that way. I actually meant are you receiving emotional support dealing with your daughter. Living with someone who has mental health issues can be extremely wearying. If you have support yourself, someone you can 'unload' to, it makes it easier. Perhaps you could talk to your daughter's Dr, ask for some emotional support as well as financial (if that is a problem too).

[Joyce]

She is receiving help for her problems. We have been going thru public system but that is too inconsistent so have talked her into going private which should be more stable
I don't clean her room or do washing etc for her But I support her emotionally and take her to appointments if needed. I do have a very great friend who I unload upon because sometimes circumstances are not going to change but you just need to vent and unload Then you feel better.

[NikNik]

So glad that you have that special person in your life @Joyce
That makes all the difference!

[Appleblossom]

I have an uncle in his 70s. He was diagnosed with manic-depresssion which became known as bi-polar. each person and personality is unique.  My uncle was a clean freak, a disease or diagnosis sometimes is used to let people off the hook for pulling their weight emotionally as well as in sharing other tasks.  I am sure your daughter is benefitting from the stability and company being in your home affords her, yet I do not think there is any harm in lifting the bar re being a bit responsible for shared house load and bad moods. 

If she cannot control it, that may well be part of the problem, but it is my belief that if we reduce expectations and 'baby' grown adults there is less chance of good outcomes.  I am not saying be strict or insist .. but suggest ... things that seem appropriate to you .. or are in line with her values when she is well.

[Janna]

H :)I

I think all of us who have dealt with mental illness in our families, be it with a child, sibling, partner or parent, have all had our tolerance, patience and understanding severely tested. It's certainly not easy by any stretch of the imagination regardless of which variation of behaviour you are dealing with - inward, outward, passive, aggressive, etc. From my own personal experience with my son I can clearly recall how his behaviour (or lack of at times) seriously unravelled me and was able to bring me to my own personall crisis point. The sheer frustration of it all, perceived lack of help & support and the seemingly endless nature of it all, seriously did my head in and often brought the worst out in me. Things were not good - for my son, or for me. The things that I found helped during this period of overwhelm and frustration were (not in order) - actively connecting with people and just offloading on a regular basis. These 'people' were from a mixed bag - friends, family, this forum, counsellors, psychologist, etc; consciously and purposefully engaging in more "me time" and allowing myself to enjoy some things without feeling guilty (even if they were tiny things); flipping things around a bit so that I gave my needs/problems some healing energy, as opposed to dedicating all my energy towards him; shifting my perspective about his behaviour and better understanding that his behaviour was not intentional and as much out of his control, as his was out of my control; lowering my standards and accepting things with less resistance and adopting a more pragmatic approach; reading and educating myself - either reading other peoples experiences or learning more about MI with the hope of gaining further insights and understandin.

To get through tough times it really is becomes a team effort which needs to incorporate everything you have within your arsenal.  

I'm happy that your're connecting to others via this forum.  Do not hesitate to offload anytime you want.  We are a community that understands.

Janna ❤️

[samjam]

Thanks for sharing, Im new here and my experience of caring has been very challenging

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@Janna wrote:

H :)I

I think all of us who have dealt with mental illness in our families, be it with a child, sibling, partner or parent, have all had our tolerance, patience and understanding severely tested. It's certainly not easy by any stretch of the imagination regardless of which variation of behaviour you are dealing with - inward, outward, passive, aggressive, etc. From my own personal experience with my son I can clearly recall how his behaviour (or lack of at times) seriously unravelled me and was able to bring me to my own personall crisis point. The sheer frustration of it all, perceived lack of help & support and the seemingly endless nature of it all, seriously did my head in and often brought the worst out in me. Things were not good - for my son, or for me. The things that I found helped during this period of overwhelm and frustration were (not in order) - actively connecting with people and just offloading on a regular basis. These 'people' were from a mixed bag - friends, family, this forum, counsellors, psychologist, etc; consciously and purposefully engaging in more "me time" and allowing myself to enjoy some things without feeling guilty (even if they were tiny things); flipping things around a bit so that I gave my needs/problems some healing energy, as opposed to dedicating all my energy towards him; shifting my perspective about his behaviour and better understanding that his behaviour was not intentional and as much out of his control, as his was out of my control; lowering my standards and accepting things with less resistance and adopting a more pragmatic approach; reading and educating myself - either reading other peoples experiences or learning more about MI with the hope of gaining further insights and understandin.

To get through tough times it really is becomes a team effort which needs to incorporate everything you have within your arsenal.  

I'm happy that your're connecting to others via this forum.  Do not hesitate to offload anytime you want.  We are a community that understands.

Janna ❤️

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@Janna wrote:

H :)I

I think all of us who have dealt with mental illness in our families, be it with a child, sibling, partner or parent, have all had our tolerance, patience and understanding severely tested. It's certainly not easy by any stretch of the imagination regardless of which variation of behaviour you are dealing with - inward, outward, passive, aggressive, etc. From my own personal experience with my son I can clearly recall how his behaviour (or lack of at times) seriously unravelled me and was able to bring me to my own personall crisis point. The sheer frustration of it all, perceived lack of help & support and the seemingly endless nature of it all, seriously did my head in and often brought the worst out in me. Things were not good - for my son, or for me. The things that I found helped during this period of overwhelm and frustration were (not in order) - actively connecting with people and just offloading on a regular basis. These 'people' were from a mixed bag - friends, family, this forum, counsellors, psychologist, etc; consciously and purposefully engaging in more "me time" and allowing myself to enjoy some things without feeling guilty (even if they were tiny things); flipping things around a bit so that I gave my needs/problems some healing energy, as opposed to dedicating all my energy towards him; shifting my perspective about his behaviour and better understanding that his behaviour was not intentional and as much out of his control, as his was out of my control; lowering my standards and accepting things with less resistance and adopting a more pragmatic approach; reading and educating myself - either reading other peoples experiences or learning more about MI with the hope of gaining further insights and understandin.

To get through tough times it really is becomes a team effort which needs to incorporate everything you have within your arsenal.  

I'm happy that your're connecting to others via this forum.  Do not hesitate to offload anytime you want.  We are a community that understands.

Janna ❤️

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[Two]

Hello Joyce

I can understand your frustration. I am endlessly exasperated and frustrated and at times depressed, trying to get my adult sons to help with house chores. One is schizophrenic and the other borderline aspergers. Neither work, just play the xbox continuously. I work full time. There is a written a list of jobs to be shared by all of us, which hangs in the kitchen as a reminder, but I think I am the only one who looks at it and I don't need to because I know what jobs need to be done. 

At times I get really angry and fume, keeping it to myself. I get so tired of asking over and over for the dishes to be done or the grass to be mowed. I am close to retirement age and would like a bit of help. 3 days of dirty dishes and ants in the sink and on the bench isn't nice to live with. At times, I have tried different tacks and not asked for any help and done all the jobs myself, but I think it's unreasonable of them not to share.

I say "no xbox till the job is done", as you would to little kids, but I get "what are you going to do about it" or "I'm not going to do it because you asked me to", like big spoiled kids. Friends and family say to kick them out, but I worry that they have lost the skills to fend for themselves. They are sociophobic. The one with schizophrenia never really had the skills even before his diagnosis and lived chaotically with a girlfriend for a while. His room is disgusting, smelly, messy and unclean. The only time it got cleaned was when he was in the mental health clinic 6 months ago.

The borderline aspergers one used to be cooperative and functional but has shut down because he doesn't want to help out because his brother doesn't. Or so he says. I worry about him as I think he has depression.

Their mental illnesses may have always been there, but they were triggered by cannabis, magic mushrooms and other drugs. Aspergers one stopped using drugs 2 years ago when his brother first went into the mental health clinic. I think it was a wake-up call. The schizophrenic has only just stopped using cannabis, thank goodness.

Both have threatened me physically at different times a long time ago but I feel reasonably safe now. I wonder what would be their responses if I had the internet disconnected and I am apprehensive to do this. It is their only life-line or interest.

I make allowances for the mental illness but am sure they are manipulating me and I don't know how to change things. Doing the chores without their help, I feel better because they are done, but I don't always have the energy.

Both of them are lacking in motivation for anything. I assume they have depression. I love them both heaps and wish good lives for them, but I’m getting a bit lost.

I don't have any answers for you Joyce, sorry. I'm looking for answers too.

[Appleblossom]

Hello @Joyce

I can relate in many different ways.

Definitely expect some support from them ..they do owe you ..  but how to get it may take time .. working out approaches.Do they get on well together? Finding different ways for them to feel "consequences" may help .. them .. reality check ..

Have you thought of getting a smaller internet plan .. so that is Limited .. rather than Unlimited .. and they have to learn to self regulate .. 

I also have a value on getting my son outside ..

As parents we hope to raise them so they can cope when we are gone .. and not push us to an early grave .. sorry if I am too blunt.