Friends, Family & Carers Forum

[Sonnet116]

Hi all, I just discovered this forum, and am grateful for what comfort it may give me.

I was involved with a wonderful man for two years. He has been an equal and a partner. I don't know if soul mates exist, but like Bronte wrote, whatever souls are made of, his and mine are the same. Like many millenials, we stumbled through our relationship in baby steps. Part of what makes us work so well is that we have had similar experiences, and have similar emotional makeups. I am in therapy myself for anxiety.

In addition to having suffered a difficult childhood and at least one abusive relationship, my love clearly suffers from depression and anxiety. He self-medicates, mostly with weed, but lately he has tried new substances.

For the past year, I've fallen into a co-dependent relationship with him. I've encouraged him to get help, supported him, helped savage his relationships with others, and generally stood betweeen him and the world. He had developed a habit of seeing me once a month, then descending into the abyss until he could muster up the energy to be with me again. When he reached out, he was as loving and supportive as ever, but when he descended, he acted like he didn't care about anything in life.

I realized I was enabling him. Despite my encouraging him to seek help, I became his life preserver. He used my love as reasoning that he wasn't that far gone, and would disappear again. I believe he loves me, but he hurt me deeply by pushing me away, only to pull me close later.

I finally confessed my stress and pain. I told him I love him, and I believe we can be together. I said he did not choose this pain, but he has repeatedly chosen to refuse help and push aware those who care for him. I said I've been in this for two years, and nothing has changed since his initial drop into depression. I care about him, and want to stand by his side. But if he refuses to admit he has a problem, refuses to get help, then I can't stand by and watch him drown. I said I gladly wait for the day he's ready to take charge, but until he is ready to get help, I need to leave. The pain and rejection is hurting my own mental health, and that's bad for both of us.

He said he wants to get better, but he is scared of therapy, and refuses to go. He thinks things will work out on their own. He finally admitted to being deeply hurt in the last, and that there are emotions he hasn't truly felt in years. He said his feelings for me one day are one way, and completely opposite the next. He can't commit. As we cried and prepared to part, he said that this wouldn't be goodbye. He didn't know how long it would take, and he knows it's unfair for me to wait, but he wants to get better.

It's been a little over a month, and I'm utterly devastated. I know I did the right thing, and I'm afraid he needs to hit rock bottom before he will ask for help. But I'm scared for when that will happen. I miss him desperately. I want to know if he misses me, or if he's forgotten about me. I know I can't know that, and I've been careful to avoid him.

I guess I'm looking for validation? Comfort? More than anything, I'd like to know if any other career has made a similar choice and saved the relationship. More than anything, I'm looking for hope.

Thanks.

[Appleblossom]

I can hear your love for him.  Separation is difficult and I hope he sorts out his priorities and comes back to you.  Sometimes things take longer than a month to sort.

I havent had the sort of experience you had romantically, but I do worry when they get into drugs, as it makes therapy and working through feelings harder.  Dont know why the guys are so scared of therapy, but it takes a lot of maturity for them to "get it".

Good Luck.  I hope other forumites can relate & reply.

[Shimmer]

Hi @Sonnet116,

I'm Shimmer, one of the moderators here on the Forums, just wanted to say welcome!  I'm glad you found us to connect with others who may have experienced similar circumstances, and gain some hope and comfort.

Like @Appleblossom said, it's clear that you care deeply about this man and ultimately want the relationship to work. You described how you have done everything you can for two years to support him through his depression, anxiety and substance use, and protect him from the world. I imagine it would have been really painful that his feelings for you changed day to day, and that he was loving when he saw you, yet he disappeared for long periods between those times.

You seem to have shown a lot of insight in recognising that you were enabling him, honesty in talking to him about your hopes and needs, and strength in deciding to have time apart. It's good to hear that you know you made the right choice, as the relationship was affecting your mental health, and you recognised that he is the only one who can choose to get help for himself. At the same time, it is understandable that you are feeling devastated and missing him.

Other members on the Forums have experienced somewhat similar difficulties in their relationships, some choosing to leave and others staying and trying to manage the challenges. @tancate, @Jane230, @Jacob, @PeppiPatty, @Faith-and-Hope, or @Shaz51, do you have any thoughts to share? @Sonnet116, you might also be interested to read our recent discussion "Should I stay or should I go?" about how mental illness can affect relationships and how to manage this.

Feel free to update us with how you are going @Sonnet116

Take care,

Shimmer

[Faith-and-Hope]

Good morNing @Sonnet116

I have echoes of the same story, only I have been married many years and have raised children to adulthood.  We are not "empty-nesters" yet, but the kids are starting to leave home.  

My hubby's mi lived with us for many years "undetected".  Our industry attracts workaholics, and workaholism was a somewhat acceptable form of being mostly absent from personal relationships for my husband, and many others who hold positions in companies as he did.  Workaholism has now clearly been identified as an OCD behaviour.  In hindsight, I can see that we were living a long-term marriage in a similar sense as what you describe of your relationship, only my hubby slept at home for a few short hours between very long work days, seven days a week.  Along with business success, he was obviously drawing a sense of being from the achievements while not having to address whatever else is going on with him emotionally, which has now spilled over.

During his workaholic years hubby grew chronically obese .... that is now clearly identified as an eating disorder referred to as BED.  Once we moved on from our primary business, now managing p art-time work from home, the ed morphed. Across the last few years into a different form.  He has adopted a dailyregimenin place of his former work life which is just as emotionally absent, and it it clear that, like your partner's once-a-month catch-ups, the attention he gave us as his family when he was available to us was his best.  The rest of the time, even though he is operating out of home, we are pushed away by an invasive and extreme regimen of excessive exercise and eating patterns tha totally dominate his world.

It is clearly driving something that is not together at his core, but all we can do - him being an adult in denial that there is anything at all wrong - is either leave him or walk along with him.  His behaviour is cloaking an aggressive reaction to not being in control or having his own way about what he feels driven to achieve, and leaving him would destroy life as we know it, not only for him and me, but for the kids as well.

At the moment we are in a bizarre holding pattern, waiting for something to alter the status quo, hoping it's not a major health collapse.  This regimen is unsustainable and is slowly eroding what he perceives to be an excellent state of health.

I mention all this because it is only after many, many years of operating like a single parent, and fielding our family affairs to arrive at a point where we could invest more in our relationship and time with each other, my hubby (WH) is more absent than ever, right under our noses.

As hard as it is in this time and space, please note from our situation that you will be engaging in a lifetime of struggle and heavy sacrifice of who you are and what you want from life in order to serve his mi.  We are currently living in a state of serving my husband's mi.  I believe you are doing the right thing stepping back and issuing this ultimatum.  Hopefully it will be enough to entice him to seek the help he needs, but if not, as painful as it is, you are still making a wise choice, a necessary choice in terms of your own self-care.  Please always remember that in a relationship, you are as important as anyone else, and you have a responsibility towards your own health and happiness.

Take care of you  ....

🌷💜

[Sonnet116]

Thank you, everyone. I thankfully have a good support system in my family and friends for my own health and goals, but I have felt so exhausted and isolated in the aftermath of this relationship. Loving someone in denial of a MI is like watching someone drown, and as wonderful as my support system is, I don't think they can understand what I've experienced. I feel validated hearing that I made the right choice. My heart goes out to you @Faith-and-Hope. I can't imagine the added stress of having a home and family in dealing with a partner's MI. I hope for the best for you, your husband, and your children. 

[Faith-and-Hope]

Thanks @Sonnet116 .... 💗💕

[Shimmer]

Good to hear that you have a good support system @Sonnet116. I'm glad that you feel validated connecting with @Appleblossom and @Faith-and-Hope, do feel free to share more of your story, or wander around the Forums to chat to and connect with others