Friends, Family & Carers Forum

[Pheenstar]

I tentetavily told my partner last night that the relationship has been bad for to long and i want you to listen to my plan on how i think we can fix it... i want the chance to fix things before i can prepare for the future of living my life and bringing up the family... My partner has i would describe it as some sort of BPD.  We have two little boys one is 18m and 4 so we got a long way to go, Both doing really well and we got do something now with our relationship  before it starts to effect them. My thought process is to help my partner in any way possible to see if this can be fixed or reduced to the maximum so we live happily ever after. If it can't be fixed, then i will be happy that i gave it a try and will make the adjustments mentally that will be the best for everyone. But to just give up without trying now and never try to fix this is just not me.. I told her i was going to write down my plan as we can not talk about this stuff with out it escalating and going no where... i need to have it all down in writing  for you to try to be open to it and to start preparing yourself for it,  as it is the plan that i will be focusing on to get things good for our family and mostly it is what i feel is right and mostly this is for you. We have been together for around 7 years with a yr seperation at the start and around 6 month ago i think worked out that this is more a BPD and she cant stop the things she been saying to me and stop the way she is thinking cause she genuinly believes this. Before that i just thought of her as abusive and the worst girlfriend in the world, and i was sticking it out for as long as i could for the kids before id just have to go... Ive tried to defend myself a million times in a million different ways against all sorts of crap that was being said and then the next day, the very next conversation , her next thought and in a way her only thoughts were to talk contant shit about me... It was nothing super bad, but it was constant, it didnt stop and if anything it made her happy to say these things, it was her most knowledgable topic and sort of only topic.. No matter what i said didnt work and it would basically keep going until she threated to end it, take the kids or something along those lines with stuff about how good she is and then just wanting to be loved etc etc. It was like a speech that was the same everytime. To me it was what it was. Just abuse and a whole lot of bullshit. I was aware of it, i couldnt believe it just keep happening and just didnt make sence that she keep doing it. It was like being in one of those relationship where the guy puts the girl down constantly and sutterly until she feels worthless and a total mental wreck and then becomes a bit dependable on him cause she got no confidence to make it on her own and cant leave him..  For me it didnt have that effect at all, i have and always have had an inwardly self confidence in myself and doin what right that after all this aint gunna change. 

Anyway this forum is going to be the way i fix this, this is the email, the start of many in what i believe will be a relatively short process and everything wil b A .O.K soon, How thing are going  and to limit the talk between us as we fix this relationship... So hopefully she registers for the forum, to take part, otherwise she can read my intensions and not be able to return abuse.. For me it is definelty some sort of BPD, non violent and the depression and anxiety issues are not the problem at the moment... She has no idea there is something wrong with what she says and how she is, so in a way it is not a situaton where she is ready to confront any issues,  or she is taking the first step.. Sure she wants a better relationship and the best for the kids, but her ways of fixing it would be to try to say all the same things over and over agian to make me believe them, but that aint gunna work, that i can say is one thing i know in all of this. The rest is just trying to do my best and relying on what i think is the right thing to do for her and seeing how it plays out and just making the adjustments on the fly. 

So as i said , we are a young family and a little bit more about my partner. I still find her to be very beautiful, she is 38. She is like a 10 and im a 2, so i see that as a big positive for me.. Sound stupid but its true in the big scheme of sorting this out, i see her as a great mother and fixing this would make her even better, She is a german and since i have known her to be hard working and pretty straight. Someone  who is not likely to give up when the going gets tough.. She has definelty been in this state since i met her, And it would seem probable from what i know and the things she has talked about over the years that there is a chance or more likely that something might have turned or clicked around the late teens years, so i feel these thoughts or now how she is, is very ingrianed in her to the point, that, this is all she knows and to help her may not work and thats being positive... Im also really worried and will be constantly aware is helping her could have a total negative effect as i can see there a people out there with much bigger issue than ours and dont what to go down those paths.. I put it in the same cartegory of, you got to do your best in these situations and what is right, and i think this is the right decision.. She is a young mother with two super beautiful kids to be on her side and to helper out of any hard situations she goes though.. She is working and has me to 100%help her and i am committed what ever the out come may be.

I think the first stages are going to be the toughest as her whole thought process is basically that i am the problem, so to think logically i must know that it is going to be tough or impossible but its even more logical to just deal with what ever needs to be dealt with. It is a very private matter, and she will not want it public and even feel bad in a lot of ways, what ever the outcome, but am saying this in this forum as its also her email and honest and trust still need to be maintained throughout, is that i will be letting her sister who still lives in germany to the thread details and to post if she thinks its ok, she knows what happened when they were kids, she is a free thinker and i think will do whats best for her and not make it public and if my partner needs to talk about this issue she has someone who she trusts, Also to support me  and who will also be there for my partner if she reaches out is an old mate who works in the industry who will have her interests in mind. He lives overseas and doesnt run in our circle of friends, He knows about this thing and has knows others who know. He is a good man and may have the time to post and someone i trust. And my best mate of 30yrs, im 42 by the way.. He is he has 3 kids up to the age of 17, so is way further along in his family life or knowlegde. He is a exceptional bloke, who i trust not only as a friend but will know how to handle what ever comes his way, for some advice or support and not feel stress or pressured. He s the bloke who says the least, but sorts out the most problems so posts something if you what mate and twat, you know what to do... 

positive thoughts, ideas, support  and stories are welcome andwill see what happens, hopefully a familys journey back from beyond the brink to everlasting happyness or a short thread that goes disappears and a family that goes on 

[CherryBomb]

Hi @Pheenstar,

Sounds like you've been working at your relationship for quite sometime. Things can get really complicated when children are involved, so it's great that you're thinking about your family.

May I ask if your partner has seent this yet? How did she take it?

I imagine that she could feel a bit uncomfortable about it. 

May I ask if you've considered couple's counselling? You may find Relationship's Australia a good starting point. 

[Pheenstar]

I was thinking about posting earlier, cause i want to keep up posting and not let this go away cause it's easier in the short term to give up, but I know long term it's going to be the same old story/. And if I did it would of been basically, abuse, more abuse and this is going to be a long road, with no feelings of success but no thought of giving up or failure...

ANSWERING your question @CherryBomb, I told her about the post, which was met with a lot of abuse, threats and then trying to convince me that I'm mentally ill even. AND no she hasn't read it, I am trying not to defend myself to much and said the email is there when your ready, 

ALSO TO ME RELATIONSHIP COUSILLING is not an option, we have tried it, but I have no plans to leave her even though she has us as separated now, and I have never for one second felt threatened that she leave, in fact, this time round, there is no budge from me, it's, proper help well thought through help and no let's get help from some one who can't know the situation... 

So today was a lay day cause it was to wet to work and we were sitting on the lounge either side of our 4 yr old boy, which individually we both have a great relationship with, and somehow after he was going no good as a kid 6-8 months ago have turned hi around and is now just the best little boy and is already ready to hit big school next year.. WAs trying to get us to put our hands together and movin us closer. Very nice thing to do and this is the kind boy that he is... he is the reason that she can be fixed in my mind... we have a very honest relationship, close ,fun cuddly, the whole lot... but I just said, I know what you doing, your a good man Nath,  but I got this and don't you worry mate. And moved away

Anyway, bugger me sitting on the balcony going no where getting abused sticking by my guns, and bugger me a BREAKTHROUGH I CoUldnt believe I was ready for what I needed to say but I couldn't believe it... Earlier incident with nath must of helped and after more rubbish talk I keep say saying stuff like, sometime a long time ago , before all these other relationships a flick was switched and you are not the same , I had no idea really, but I am confident from how I understand this to bpd to work and what she has said over the years that it came from teenage yrs.. and bugger me, she has started to look at how her relationship with her dad may have fucked with her head.. and I could see something clicked there too, I gunna give this some space and I think she might explore the idea, anyway I'm happy.. 7/8 years and not a sniff of a breakthrough, then bang.. the next 20 minutes was not about abuse and will be looking into this kind of thing. 

'Have a good night to anyone tonight

Feeling good for her tonight.. which will be good for me and the kids.. 

love you darlin if you ever read this

[Pheenstar]

Bit of snag, now since initial breakthrough, but will see what's what tonight,  she was like , ok this might be the problem, so now we done, I still don't see the point and there nothing wrong.

any I was sick bit of flu this week, which was interpreted as " see its you with the problem, you are depressed and abuse, abuse abuse" no help etc... any way, she is crock now to, so this morning , me, the boys and the dog went cruising the shops and the play ground while she stayed in bed... now the other day she lost her necklace, and was upset, and sure enough, I getting a coffee, with the youngest one and there, nath looking at a some necklaces... I went over and asked around about what there worth and called nath over... I said  if you see a necklace uour mum likes, get, put it in the box and I will pay when u finished, I don't want to even see it , this is from you.. he was all excited.. and on the way home I said you get a good one, and he told me it was a sword, as he loves swords and shields, I told him he should say, when u put this sword on mummy, you need to say I am SHE RA , THE MOST POWERFUL LADY IN THE UNIVERSE , thinking it can relate back to our current issues.. ANY way i kind of new what was about to happen, not totally, but I came in and ask what she say when u give it to her. he looked at me, "Mummy said she will look at it later".. So I'm like, that was naths  idea, top to bottom, and I don't even know what it is and u tell him u look it at later, it ain't from me and after a bit of this and that , I got. Feeling I can continue more of the getting back on track stuff tonight, I got the afternoon to work out what that track might be... gunna research how young Women react to annoying dads sort of stuff,but the boy, her number one is my ace in this, some how with out me knowing , I reckon he gunna fix this. He is just 4 but , super smart kid, speaks fluent deutche like his  mum and she can't stop arguing in front of him, so he gunna put 2 and 2 together soon enough, he is a little straight shooter and loves to talk all the bloody time... also loves. To support her when she down, anyway, sounds like like no progress , but really big steps been taking hear, lookin good

[Pheenstar]

left it another week before mentioning the help word for her, i dont want to push her to hard and we are a bit busy, it wasnt met with lets just say, any inthusiasm, but after about 1/2 hour and plenty of convincing, it started to become, ok i will get help.... mainly because i am not committing to anything in the relationship until we have a go atgetting help and fixing her... i basically said no, and explained that when i mean help, it will be help only "my way" and virtually everything i said was encountered with long drawn out explanations and basically more crap directed at me and how good she is. so i explained what i will require when it comes to the help and was met with more of the same... then i began to explain, that the stuff i think is wrong with her was there before she met me, so really, i wont even be part of the "fix" she just completly believes there nothing wrong, so in short i told her a bit of a plan i reckon might work best for her... so she needs to somehow believe and be positive about the fact she needs help, i will be getting the help, they will have to be fully understanding of the problem by me before she even has the opportunity to met them, , i will have to be satisfied that the phyc is on the right page, and then she feels comfortable talking to them, the process ends when i say it ends and only a 100 percent effort will be required, after more neaning less discussions, i gave her more of the same, its only going to be done my way, anything you do is not  part of the process. im going to be winging it, but i think i will try to find someone suitable and then mainly just hand the process over to them,,, with the sister heavily involved, i dont care about any documentation, its just about having one big go at gettin better before i remove my stance in our relationship an then begin to continue the relationship, knowing i have done all i can to help her...and then prepare my self to be invoved in  somewhat morbid relationship with someone that is basically against you and abusive and very simple and more of the same, hopefully i can find someone who will be basically monitored by someone not even in the industry, but  will will see, i dont care about it being on the record, so hope i can find the right person, she is german, so maybe someone over ther via skype might be n idea, definetly a very open minded kind of a place and it looks like the system over here is fairly basic, and cause  what she has looks,, so if anyone has any recomendations of good phycs, that  would be willing to work with us, plase forward there details

[Lunar]

Hello @Pheenstar

I replied to your other thread with just a little bit of information about finding a Psychologist, and it seems as though this post is also referring to that process as well as facilitaitng help seeking behaviour.

It sounds really challenging the situation that you are in in terms of getting your partner professional support for their mental health which it seems like they are willing to but there is now the barrier of finding the 'right' one, maybe it might be helpful to discuss your concerns with this process...

What are some of those concerns that you have about your partner seeing a Psychologist in Australia?

Kindest,

Lunar