Dealing with intrusive thoughts - my struggle!

[outlander]

@Molliex 💙🌹

[Molliex]

Hi all, just a little update. 

I am sorry I haven't been around much to support all of you. I am just so tired, and don't have the emotional capacity to be there at the moment.

My Nan will pass any day, and I will go to NZ for the funeral. I am giving the eulogy and am a pallbearer, so it is going to be very very tough. I love her so much.

My SI has decreased and I am feeling less blue in general, which is a positive development. However anxiety and depression (especially hopelessness) are still there, and the SH has become a compulsion. My psychatrist wants to change my medication, but this will probably need to be done in hospital.

My psychologist is more positive about my progress. He said I've taken some really good steps forward, and just need to keep working at it, but he agrees about the change of meds. I've run out of MHCP appointments, so seeing him isn't cheap, although he has given me a reduction in his fee. 

I guess until I come back from NZ I am just treading water. Hanging in here, trying to keep improving and not do anything silly.

Sending as much love as I can your way @outlander @Shaz51 @Former-Member @MDT @Former-Member @eth @Faith-and-Hope @greenpea @Gazza75 @BlueBay @saturnzoon  @Angels333  and anyone else who is passing though xx

[eth]

Love back to you @Molliex  xx

[Faith-and-Hope]

And from here @Molliex .... sorry to hear about your Nan ..... courage and peace to you ....

[Former-Member]

Hi @Molliex  and thanks so much for bringing us all up to date with how everything is going.  Not a problem at all, you not being around to offer your usual support right now.  Clearly things are difficult for you with so much happening. I get that your emotional capacity is maxed out right now.  Just aim to be here if or when it is beneficial to you.  Try to be a little bit selfish for a while, and do what YOU need.  Everything else can wait.

I hear you with regards to your beloved Nan.  My Mum was much the same when she died back in mid July.  Gosh is it really only a little over 3 months since she passed?  Dear me, time flies.  Anyway my situation with my Mum sounds similar to your situation with your Nan.  I got to visit her a couple of weeks before she died, which I was grateful for.  But then it was waiting game for her time to come, to pass away.  Its hard .. the waiting, and emotionally draining.  You also have the problem of needing to arrange flights back to NZ at short notice, when the time does come.  Its nice that you will be pall bearer at your Nans funeral.  I wasnt a pall bearer at my mums funeral, it was an all male thing.  And I dont think I would have done it anyway.  My hubby did though, as he deemed himself well enough to do so on the day.  But I did do the eulogy for my Mum.  Which was so very difficult.  And I was very proud of myself afterwards for having done so.  I'm sure you will have lots of lovely things to say in your eulogy, and I feel sure it will all go really well. 

Sounds like some mixed thoughts from psychiatrist and psychologist on your current medications.  But it does sound like you have made some progress, which is great.  And its not all that long since you started on the latest meds.  It takes a couple of months sometimes to see the full effect of them.  Perhaps its good that things will rest for a while yet before any changes.  I get what you mean about having used up all your MHCP appointments.  I too have done so, over a month ago now.  My psych also reduces her fees a little, if not utilising MHCP subsidies.  But its still a hit to the hip pocket.  I am seeing my GP in a couple of weeks time and hope to get a couple of GP Care Plan sessions for my psych.  Its not as much subsidy as with the MHCP, but it helps.  Its about $55 subsidy, compared to the $124.50 with the MHCP.  Oh yes .. please keep on keeping on, slowly improving, and not doing anything silly.  Thats definitely the way to go.  Until next time .... 💕🌼🌹

Sherry 

[outlander]

Sending lots of love to you @Molliex sitting with you through it all 💕💕

[Appleblossom]

@Molliex Sorry to hear about your nan. Wishing the best and safe travel to and from NZ.  Hanging on seems often the trick through so much demanding times.  Do what is needed and sort out a better treatment approach when you are back home.

Gentleigh Bentleigh

Apple

[Former-Member]

Hi@Molliex , good to see you. Don't worry about not being around much, we all pull back on and off (I'm the worst offender, and keep forgetting whose who :face_with_rolling_eyes:, just work with what's in front of me on the days I can)... Real life has challenges enough most the time without all SF struggles, especially when emotionally drained. We get it, well I do anyway. Use to get offended but living in the present moment helps with that. It is what it is and we must guard our own hearts 💗

So  sorry about ya nan 😞 I lost my mum last year, it's hard.  Giving the eulogy and being pallbearer is a big ask of you (I couldn't do it)... my brother's said it was good to be able to do something to honour mum so really proud of you stepping up there. Guess I was doing  enough, i did move in for my mums last week's, looked after her at home, took care of dad (re dementia etc) and got him into a nursing home. All difficult, with difficult family too boot (people go weird when family die 🙁)... Seems Humans are not hardwired for death... our culture doesn't help much either. Do you believe the spirit lives on and we'll meet again? I do ✝️

Its good that your SI has decreased and ya feeling less blue. Hope the anxiety and hopelessness ease up too - I so relate to your pain in this, but haven't SH many years now (not the outward way anyway). Its really a case of two steps fwd one back, and keep getting up again when we stumble 💗

Why does your  psychatrist want to change medication when your psychologist is pleased with your progress? Reduce it maybe? I think to leave alone what's working but just take it slow, be kind to yourself, especially with travelling and losing your nan...

Hugzz 💜🌷💜🌷💜

[Maggie]

@Molliex  Sorry about your nan. 💕💕💕💕💕

[Molliex]

Thank you for such a kind and heart-felt message @Former-Member . I am sorry to hear of your Mum's passing. You should be so proud of giving the eulogy, i imagine that it was a very difficult thing to do. I am hanging in here for now ❤️