Friends, Family & Carers Forum

[NikNik]

It's that time of the week again - Ask Anything Monday!

Thanks to @coffeegirl , @Eagle , @MIFANTCARER and @Linmerc for contributing to questions from the previous weeks.

This Monday's question:

As I get older, I’m getting more and more concerned for my adult child that I care for. What will happen to him when I’m too old to care for him.
A lot of what I do is emotional support – and I feel confident I can continue to offer that, regardless of my psychical health, but I’m worried about when I’m gone. He relies on me so much and doesn’t really have anyone else.
Has anyone else thought about this? I’m a practical person, so any tips on things I can do or put in place to alleviate my concerns.

Any suggestions for this member?

[Windyridge]

I too am an ageing carer with 2 adult sons with mental ill health, and also concerned about what happens to my sons when I am no longer here.

As carers whilst we are able to, we do the very best that we can.  I feel as long as we connect our loved ones with other Organizations like Mission Australia, New Horizons, Centacare and maybe a Clubhouse Model if it is in your area, we are doing the very best that we can for our loved ones.

Whilst family are always family, we cannot rely on them forever as everyone has their life to live and that is the way it should be for them.

As long as I am here and able to, I will support my two sons as much as I can physically and emotionally.

Cheers, Sam

[NikNik]

Hi @Windyridge
Can you explain what a 'clubhouse' model is?

Your response is wonderful by the way. Thank you

[NikNik]

ASK ANYTHING MONDAY is here again!

Who loves their sleep? I think all of us can contribute their thoughts to this question:

The person I care for is very vulnerable. Sometimes I have to get up at all hours of the night to care for them. I have now found myself so worried about them that I don't sleep well. If I do fall asleep, it's a light sleep - and I still feel exhausted in the morning.

How do I get enough sleep but still be there for the person I care for, if they need me?

[Former-Member]

Hi,

This is a good question. From what you have written here it is the worrying about being there to care that is keeping you awake and not the actual care itself. The things I do to help with the worry are keeping a journal and processing worries on a daily basis if necessary. I always know when I have not been doing this enough because I tend to have more restless nights. I also try to avoid caffeine after lunch. Although recently I have been having a coffee to help with the 5.00 slump but I have noticed that my sleep has been disturbed. And I try to do something relaxing at the end of the day. A shower last thing will help with the temperature drop that your body needs to trigger sleep and I like to listen to music. Also if I am having trouble stopping the thoughts I have a prayer/meditation practice which I guess works something like counting sheep.

[Linmerc]

Hi NikNik

What a good question. Sleep is so important to everyone because it's the time our body recharges its batteries. I can understand about sleeping lightly, as any mother understands, it's like when you have a new born. You are up and down from bed at all hours because babies have their own time clock.

Try to sleep or have a 'nanna nap' whenever the person you care for is asleep. In other words, try to sneak in some rest time whenever possible (day or night).

I know it's difficult to try to rest but you need your down-time otherwise you will struggle to look after anyone including yourself.

Thank you for sharing your question.

Stay strong.

[Appleblossom]

Sleep is a big issue in our house.  For about 10 years my son was up at night and I tried to keep regular hours and mealtimes. The sense that someone is awake through the night had me sleeping very lightly.

Lately it seems as If I have joined him. I am more of a night owl anyway but in last few months I just stay up on computer. Maybe it is good because he keeps tut tutting me for it.  Maybe he can only see consequences of a behaviour when it is done by me.  Then he starts looking at it in a broader manner than being defensive about it.  Have I turned myself into a pretzel .. dunno .. going to bed.

[NikNik]

HAPPY MONDAY EVERYONE!

It's that time of the week again - ASK ANYTHING MONDAY!

Firstly a big thank you to @Appleblossom @Former-Member @Linmerc and @Windyridge for responding last week and previous weeks!

This week's question:

I have a husband who suffers with anxiety resulting from an ongoing work accident from years ago that forced him through hell of surgery, no job and ongoing pain to manage, which sometimes means not getting out of bed. We have two children and I work and study part time. I pretty much am left to do just about everything and it weighs heavily on my shoulders. Some days are worse than others. I try to be supportive but find it a struggle, i want to make our home a happy place for our boys to come home from school to. We don't have family near us or a lot of friends to help as i tend to not tell anyone what's going on. I don't want to be judged.

Just wandering if there are others out there feeling like this?

[Appleblossom]

I struggled a lot with trying to make a happy home whilst dealing with heavy issues too. A lot depends on how old the boys are.  Help around the house should not be a gender thing, and doing chores can actually encourage a sense of camraderie even though we all might have a whinge about it.

When our family went to Family Therapy chores were seen as an essential part of family life.

I try to make jokes to get my son to help. Earlier I was to exhausted and sad to be able to see humour, but the jobs still have to be done.

try and enlist hubbie from bedside to encourage sons sense of manhood and responsibility re pulling their weight.

Psychological studies show happiness often comes from a job well done, more so than being little princes and princesses.

[Former-Member]

Hi,

It is hard to respond to this topic without knowing the extent of physical incapacity that your partner is facing. 

However taking some of the issues one at a time. The first question I would ask is if your partner is receiving any help for his anxiety. If not it would be a good idea to encourage him to see his doctor about this. 

If your partner cannot work out of the house is there something that you could encourage him to do from home. One example would be maybe making something to sell at the markets. The thing with working for himself from home is that he could work around the times when his pain is at its worse. This would also help with his self esteem which must have taken a hit.

@Appleblossom has suggested getting your partners support to have your sons help around the house if they are old enough. I think this is a good idea. It is something I did not do enough of myself with my partner and son who both suffer anxiety. 

The last thing is look after your own needs. Make sure you have a bit of time each week where you do something for your own wellbeing. You cant care for others if you are not health yourself.