SANE Forums

[Jcat89]

I'm posting here because I've reached a really difficult point in my life and I have no support system in place. I'm 34 and just last night, my wife and I decided to call it quits after a long, tumultuous journey together.

There is so much more context to this story (both my wife and I have c-ptsd as survivors of childhood sexual abuse), but I'll  try to keep this post somewhat focussed.

I have 2 high needs children (autism). One with my wife and one with a previous partner. I have always found it hard to build a proper relationship with my older child. We were in a traumatic situation together (the child's bio mum was super violent) and I developed some resentment for my child over time. I know that none of this is my child's fault. The fact remains, however that I've always struggled to meet his needs and be a good influence on his life.

My wife has found this particularly hard to deal with.  She has felt responsible for meeting his needs in my absence (mentally and emotionally) and there's no doubt it has burnt her out. No matter how much i went into each day with the  best of intentions, I struggled to be empathetic towards my child and consistently give him the scaffolding he needs to feel safe and accomplished in this world. Add to this a second child whose special needs are much more 'urgent' and explosive  than his and it's always been easy to push the him to one side.

I don't really know what else to say  other than that I'm super distraught and ashamed of myself and how I have dealt with conflict. I've reverted to gaslighting type behaviour and been manipulative too. Ultimately, I didn't want the relationship to end and I still don't but it's inevitable and I just don't know what to do, or how to even get the motivation to do anything other than cry.

[GardensHeart]

Hi @Jcat89 , 

Welcome for joining SANE. Thank you for sharing your story with us here. Sorry to hear that you are in a very painful situation right now. From what I heard, you are doing your best in taking care of your children and be there for your wife. It is not easy taking care children with special needs not to mention the struggles yourself are experiencing. I hope some of our members here are able to provide you with some comfort and support. 

[Jcat89]

Thank you for your kind words.  I appreciate them.

[tyme]

Hi there @Jcat89 ,

I'm sorry to hear how difficult it sounds to be 'alone' in navigating the needs of your children, wife, and your own needs.

Are there any external supports you can reach out for support? e.g. through NDIS?

I'm not sure if you have heard of Amaze connect before? https://www.amaze.org.au/

They may be able to provide some advice for your situation.

Do you have any supports for yourself so you have someone to talk to about YOUR needs? Being a carer can be challenging, especially without the necessary supports.

Please know we are here for you.

[Jcat89]

Thank you for the AMAZE recommendation, I haven't heard of them and will check them out.

My son's ASD assessment is due to be finalised in the next couple of weeks so no NDIS support yet. It took quite awhile to get that done. As I've gone through the process or him I've felt like there is a good chance I am also on the spectrum, but I haven't been in the position to pursue that just yet. Ultimately I just want to learn how to be a good Dad to my kids and I'm finding it hard to get started.

Thank you for your kindness.

[tyme]

If you don't mind me asking, how old are your children? @Jcat89 

ASD supports look different depending on their age. If they are under 7, there are early intervention supports that schools/kinders/pre-schools can put in place. @Jcat89 

[Jcat89]

Not at all. One is 4 and one is 13. The 4 year old is showing all the signs of a PDA profile which is a steep learning curve.

The 13 year old is unable to attend school and so he is homeschooled

[tyme]

Hi there @Jcat89 ,

I hope once the diagnosis comes through, you will be able to access supports to help with his PDA profile. 

I have experience in this area, and the 'typical' strategies implemented for autistic children can vary significantly as soon as PDA has been identified. It would be good to have a behaviour therapist who may be able to work with your child.

I wonder if ABA is an option?

Also, hearing that your eldest is homeschooled can also play a part in how the family his managing. Being full time at home can be quite taxing on carers. Is there any chance for respite?

[Jcat89]

Thanks @tyme.

We were forced out of our rental house in November and were not able to find another, so we've been touring WA instead. As such respite has been hard to come by.  Unfortunately, neither my wife or I have any family supports at all,  so respite has not been available to us in that form either. 

I don't know much about ABA. It's there a resource that explains about it?

[tyme]

ABA is new-ish, and can be controversial. @Jcat89 

You can have a look here https://raisingchildren.net.au/autism/therapies-guide/applied-behaviour-analysis-aba

I hear what you mean by having to move around. It's definitely harder to get respite that way.