I'm posting here because I've reached a really difficult point in my life and I have no support system in place. I'm 34 and just last night, my wife and I decided to call it quits after a long, tumultuous journey together.
There is so much more context to this story (both my wife and I have c-ptsd as survivors of childhood sexual abuse), but I'll try to keep this post somewhat focussed.
I have 2 high needs children (autism). One with my wife and one with a previous partner. I have always found it hard to build a proper relationship with my older child. We were in a traumatic situation together (the child's bio mum was super violent) and I developed some resentment for my child over time. I know that none of this is my child's fault. The fact remains, however that I've always struggled to meet his needs and be a good influence on his life.
My wife has found this particularly hard to deal with. She has felt responsible for meeting his needs in my absence (mentally and emotionally) and there's no doubt it has burnt her out. No matter how much i went into each day with the best of intentions, I struggled to be empathetic towards my child and consistently give him the scaffolding he needs to feel safe and accomplished in this world. Add to this a second child whose special needs are much more 'urgent' and explosive than his and it's always been easy to push the him to one side.
I don't really know what else to say other than that I'm super distraught and ashamed of myself and how I have dealt with conflict. I've reverted to gaslighting type behaviour and been manipulative too. Ultimately, I didn't want the relationship to end and I still don't but it's inevitable and I just don't know what to do, or how to even get the motivation to do anything other than cry.
