TW. No one can give me an answer.

[The-red-centaur]

Ok, I just didn't dumb thing and looked up why shouldn't I killmyself on reddit. 

Damn, too many hurting people. It hit hard. So many can relate to this space, but can't give one decent or straight answer to that question. Why should I stay alive? Why shouldn't I go through with my thoughts. 

Idk what I was actually looking for or why am I even typing this. Some part of me hopes for an answer I guess. Hopes that life is more than this. Hopes that there is something I can find to live for. 

But the reality is there just isn't anything, ever. I am tired. I'm in pain. I'm safe for now, but why should I be. Why does that matter. 

[Ru-bee]

Hi @The-red-centaur I'm so sorry to hear that you're in this place right now, battling with these thoughts. Thank you for clarifying that you're safe for the moment, are any of your supports around today if you start feeling not so safe?

Something that came to mind for me when reading this post was some really beautiful support that you gave to another member recently, where you spoke of your own experiences and how things can change, even in cases where they might seem hopeless, that this change can even happen so slowly that you don't notice it at first. So I know that it feels really horrible right now, and that it might be able to see a time when things didn't feel this way, but you've shown that you can get to a place where things feel better. It sucks that we can't always stay in that place once we get there, but you can get back there and I believe you will. I'll keep on believing even if you can't right now.

[The-red-centaur]

@Ru-bee it gets better, but then what. It gets worse again. 

Why should I have to continue this vicious cycle. What is it for. Why does one good moment mean that the all the bad isn't valid anymore. That good doesn't justify the bad. Not for me. 

I know things change, that's just life. It constantly changes. I don't want to be a part of anymore. 

[Ru-bee]

No, of course I'm not trying to say that good times erase the bad @The-red-centaur although I wish that they did. I guess what I am trying to say is that when we're in the middle of an emotion, whether that be a really positive or negative, it changes our perception and can even change our memory a bit. So when we're in a really great mood and things are going right it's pretty hard to accurately recall what it felt like when we were miserable - we might know it was a horrible time and not something we want to revisit, but its not going to seem as bad as when we were in the middle of that emotion. Same when we are in a really dark place, it's easy to down-play the good times we've had.

I know that being stuck in this cycle sucks, but you've made some pretty amazing progress and we all know that progress isn't linear and that we can still experience really hard times while still ultimately moving forward. Maybe one day the cycle will have bad times that are much shorter and spaced far apart, or that get a little bit less bad with each one.

[The-red-centaur]

@Ru-bee I understand that. It's just why does that matter. I'm like, if life is just the stupid cycle of events and emotions, why should I keep doing it. Life doesn't need me. I don't need life.e 

[Ru-bee]

Maybe life doesn't need you, I mean does life need anyone @The-red-centaur? Life just is, I guess...

Maybe it's not about looking at need, there are a thousand things in life that we do, or we have, or we love, or whatever, not because we need them but because of endless other reasons that make them meaningful.

If you're talking about life not needing you in terms of others not needing you, then I'd definitely like to argue the opposite. We need you and others like you here, you've made a real positive impact on other's lives and provided support when people really needed it. 

[The-red-centaur]

@Ru-bee i would argue that others do it better and more efficient than me. 

I'm not here to argue though. I don't want to make trouble. I'm just had enough with this life. I don't want it, it doesn't want me. I'm exhausted. I can't rest. I can't reset. It's not worth the effort. Nothing is. The only bit of effort left is to....um

[Ru-bee]

I'd say that other's do it differently @The-red-centaur as everyone provides support in their own ways. That doesn't make it better, but even if it did that wouldn't take away from what you bring to the table here or lessen the effect that you've made. 

Have you spoken to any of your supports today? We're always here to support you and are glad to be able to do so, but I am worried and want to make sure that you're getting the right support for this situation. Are you able to reach out to your support team, or give Lifeline or 000 a call?

[misaoayakarox]

I ask this exact same question every day…

[Ru-bee]

Hi @misaoayakarox I'm sorry to hear that, its a really tough question to have to think about every day, though I'm glad that you've been able to come on here and share and connect with this experience

Are there any answers that come up for yourself? Or things around you that tend to keep you feeling safe from this thought?