Dealing with a narcissist

[GSM2022]

Hi

I really need some advice. I really appreciate you all and this beautiful community. My son and DIL are narcissists (both diagnosed and they both find it funny). They have a problem with me for some reason. I am a widow and live by myself. I raised my kids alone. They have two boys that they never let me see. I haven’t seen them in months and I am desperate to. My grandkids bring me so much joy and I have been so down about it. Every time we make plans they cancel or say I can’t come. They make plans with my other kids and when my other kids tell them I’m coming they don’t turn up. I don’t know what to do. I am having issues with depression and anxiety and this is really putting me over the edge. I feel like I’m always walking on eggshells. Nothing I ever say or do to them is right. How can I approach them? Every time I ask for visits they tell me it’s my fault I’m not available at times that suit them or that they are having family time and I’m not invited. 

[tyme]

Hey @GSM2022 ,

I'm sorry to hear about the predicament you are in. It sounds incredibly hard to be left out from seeing your grandchildren. I hear how much joy the children bring to you.

I wonder if your son and DIL find it amusing that you are so down about not being able to see your grandchildren and are therefore making sure it doesn't happen? I really don't know. This is only a passing thought.

It sounds like you can't change them. But doesn't take away the anxiety and hurt you are experiencing. Really, it can be seen as a real loss. 

I'm guessing you have tried your best to speak to them that you want to see your grandchildren?

Please focus on the things you can control, and hopefully, one day they will 'wake up'.

I'm sorry it is so hard for you.

Hugs. You are not alone.

[GSM2022]

Thank you so much for your beautiful reply. I have tried but unfortunately they are both only 5 and 3 so I can’t have any access to them unless I’m granted it. Sometimes I do think they take joy in me being miserable but I thought I was being dramatic. I have been having suicidal thoughts lately if I’m being honest and this whole thing is hurting me so deeply. Thank you for your kindness I really do appreciate it.

[GSM2022]

Sorry yes I have tried talking to them but they just tell me they’re busy and they are their own family. I have only ever asked for an hour or two.

[tyme]

Are you allowed to 'mind' the kids and do them a 'favour'? Can this be a way around it?

I have a lot to do with my nephew and nieces because I'm forever minding them! I feed them, bathe them, do homework with them, take them out... 

@GSM2022 

[GSM2022]

They won’t leave me alone with the kids as they don’t think I’m capable. I take antidepressants and they think it hinders on my “consciousness”. Only her family is allowed to mind them. 

[tyme]

I feel that what goes around comes around. They will have their fair share. That's how I tend to work through times when I've been treated very badly. @GSM2022 

I hear how hard it is for you. 

To be honest, how many in the world 'don't' take anti-depressants at some point in life or another? I've taken them for years and years and that's why I'm so well 🙂

@GSM2022 , do what is right for you. Consider the things within your control that will give you joy. I'm not saying that not seeing your grandchildren doesn't hurt, but it sounds like it's not something you or I can change - for now. 

What are things that you enjoy doing? What are things that energise you?