Friends, Family & Carers Forum

[Sister]

This is a long one sorry. So my brother has been living with me for the last year. He has depression, drug addiction and he's an alcoholic. He has also experienced drug induced psychosis in the past. He's been in trouble with the police and attempted to take his life. When he came first came to live with me it was shit. But eventually for a while he started on medication and stopped drinking and things were looking really good. Recently he started hanging out with old friends and he started to drink and do drugs again. I've been trying to be understanding and help him but we just keep fighting and the way he has been treating me is disgusting. He spends all his money on booze and expects me to buy everything else he needs, and he blames me for him needing expensive medication. Recently he went on a holiday where he basically had a few months of solid drinking and drugs. Now he's back and worse than ever. He's off his medication and posting on Facebook about taking drugs and drinking and creepy suicidal poetry. I love him but the last year of my life has been the worst. I cry every day. I'm sad all the time and I can't even appreciate the good wonderful people I have in my life anymore I feel so negative and awful.

I had decided this time that I'm not going to be there to fix his shit after his bender and I decided to stay somewhere else. I've been trying my best to ignore him after the horrible way he has been treating me but it's almost like he's goading me, he's on Facebook tagging me in his depressing stuff and posting constantly awful things. I think he's trying to get my attention? But when I do try to help, he doesn't appreciate me, he treats me like shit and it doesn't even end up helping. I'm so lost I don't know what to do. I don't know how to help him and I don't think I even want to try anymore. At least not until he starts trying. I don't even want to talk to him

[CherryBomb]

Hi @Sister

From what I've read in your previous,  you've stood by your brother through thick and thin. You've been so focused on caring for him, I wonder if you've been caring for you too? It concerns and saddens me to hear that you have no enjoyment in your life right now. And it signals to me, that perhaps taking some time out to care for you could be very helpful.

Remember, no one can sort out your brother issues besides him.  Sure you can support him, but there's only so much support that you can give, until he takes the reins and take ownership. I like to use the anology of helping someone find their way through a forest. Do you take them by the hand and lead the way even though they want to go a different way to you, drag their heels in the ground, and end up arguing with you. Or do you stand beside them and point out obstacles and options for them? In this, don't forget that you are not responsible for the decisions that he makes.

It might be helpful to consider what your limits are. By this I mean your boundaries - they're essentially for maintaining healthy relationships. It is possible to support someone and not be treated badly, and care for youself by having boundaries. Remember, that you have a right to have boundaries - if you feel like certain behaviour (such as coming home after a bender) is having an impact on you, it is ok to set boundaries and leave the situation to keep yourself emotional safe. Here's another useful link that goes over how you can improve boundaries.

@3forme and @Viv have written about how boundaries have helped their relationships in this discussion.

@SimpleAsThis has shared their thoughts on relationship affected by MI and D&A use. I wonder if they would be able to provide some advice?

Have you considered getting support for yourself? Sometime chatting to someone about what is happening can give you some new perspective and or it can help take a load of chest. GROW runs support groups for anyone affected by MI. I believe @Alessandra1992 might be able to share some information about these groups. Also ARAFMI provides support specifically for carers.

CB

[Alessandra1992]

Hey @Sister
It is pretty tough in families at times..there are carer support groups for folks supporting people with emotional or mental health issues. Depends which state you live in. In Victoria, there are Grow Better Together groups. I think across Australia there are Al-Anon groups, they might be able to direct you to a group in your area.
I am not sure which issue takes priority with your brother.his mental health or his alcohol and drug issues..but I am wondering whether you could share the Suicide Callback service line in a private message RO him?
If you think he is reaching out to you and if you think he is declining in mental health..trust your instincts. Maybe he is reaching out to you as he doesn't know how to get help..
@CherryBomb can you share those crisis numbers again please like Lifeline, Suicide Callback?
It is hard to be in this space...would he consider a peer support group like Grow?
Would you consider attending an Action Recovery Course by SHARC ( Self Help Addiction Resource Centre).. It is very challenging supporting people with drug/alcohol and mental health challenges..it is hard to stay motivated and engaged when you feel unappreciated and unsupported.. The forums are a great space to get some support from people who care..

[CherryBomb]

Hi @Sister

@Alessandra1992 thanks for pointing that out. I actually had a tab open to share the link, but forgot to include in my post.

Suicide call back service  & Lifeline - It might be helpful to contact them @Sister to talk through how you can provide support to your brother, particularly if he is alluding to it in his poetry.  Take this seriously, and if you can, touch base with him to see if he's ok and safe (as @Alessandra1992 perhaps message him on FB). At the same time, remember to look after yourself. Supporting someone who may be suidal can be very stressful. It can be helpful to talk to a health profession, friends/family so that you don't have to manage it on your own.

You also might find reading over the resources Suicide Call Back Service and Lifeline  have on their wesbite useful too.