Friends, Family & Carers Forum

[Used2Be]

I have been very overwhelmed lately (one of the reasons I joined the forum). It was not just the big thing (my dh ptsd) but all the little things, like working full time, keeping up with the washing, cleaning the house, the fact that the lawn is overgrown, making school lunches, cooking dinner... the day to day things were (are) getting on top of me. The last straw was the fact my washing machine has died. It all got a bit much. So this weekend, i decided that I need to achieve something at home, even it was small. I got the kuds and hubby involved. dh fixed the vacuum cleaner which has been broken for over a month and cleared the patio of over grown grass, the older daughter cleaned the bathroom, the little one packed away washing and cleaned her room, and I scrubbed the kitchen and floor (with an old fashioned brush) and i pruned the two mulberry bushes. And even though we didnt get everything done, i felt like I had achieved a goal, which made me feel a little better. what small goals make you feel good.

[Cazzie]

Good on you Used2Be!  Well done!!!  You took little steps.  You got everyone involved, including your PTSD suffering DH, and I know from experience that's not easy to do.

Don't beat yourself up because you didn't "get everything done".  Pat yourself on the back for getting all those little things done.

I think I'll take a leaf out of your book and see if I can mobilise DH to just do one thing each day.  I'm not going to ask him to build a house or move a mountain ... but I might get him to dig a hole to plant a rose or help our son-in-law to rebuild the chook house. 🙂

[Hobbit]

What a great little discussion here!! I think doing small things is actually what it's all about.If you look at the "big" achievements, it's basically made up of a whole heap of "little" achievements all combined to make something big!

They say life is made up of moments. So if we try to be 'present' in each moment, and try to enjoy each moment for what it is, then you could argue that all those litlle moments we enjoyed would the collectively make up an enjoyable life!!

[NikNik]

This is a great topic! Thanks for starting it Used2Be

The small thing that makes me feel like I've achieved something is when I successfully cook a new recipe 🙂

[Hobbit]

Here's what I did today. I wrote a little list:

I had to do some of an assignemt

I had to call my boss and organise something

I had cal email my school about something

I had to contact an organisation about something

I needed to call a friend about something

I am on this forum tonght

Now, these are all relatively 'small' things, and to be honest I didn't get everything resolved, but I made an effort to do each one, and crossed them off my list and I went. Now every "small" thing is crossed off the list, it's 9.30pm and I can say to myself that I achieved something. 

So I had a sense of achievement in the 'small' things and can still say I got done what I needed to get done.

[sharona]

My problem is that there are some things I simply can not do. I have been supporting him financially for years by working two jobs etc but my own health will no longer allow it. I need him to organise some type of financial support for himself. The process causes enormous tension and I've never managed to get all the pieces in place correctly by the time limits because he has to do it. It would also,I believe,help him and our relationship for him to have some independence. But this is exactly the sort of thing he can't do!

[Tatsinda]

Can I ask how the ptsd manifests itself? We think my partner has it and are still unravelling how it affects our lives. I can relate to feeling overwhelmed by being responsible for everything!

[sharona]

I am not sure what his actual diagnosis is. He has in the past been diagnosed with Body dismorphic disorder and social phobia but more recently avoidant personality disorder and depression. His psychologist is also thinking conversion disorder. PTSD has not been suggested yet.

[Cazzie]

@Tatsinda PTSD can be an insidious MI. My husband has it. It took years for him to admit he had a problem at all but one night he had a nightmare about fighting with a perp (hubby is retired NSW Police) and in the process (and in his sleep) he knee'd me in the back and almost put me out of bed and through a wall. He was horrified by what he'd done. It was one of the things that forced him to get help.
Most of his symptoms manifested themselves in dreams/nightmares about things from far back in his Policing past, very disturbing things. These dreams brought on sleep apnea, really disturbed sleep, which in turn caused an inability to cope with day to day living. Self medicating with alcohol didn't improve his sleep patterns at all.
The inability to cope caused huge amounts of frustration which he attempted to overcome by going into denial. If he refused to acknowledge it then it didn't exist.
These days he not only admits he has PTSD but also that there are times that he just can't cope. Unfortunately these admissions don't lead to him owning his behaviors that come out of his PTSD.
You need to be aware of one truth: It is and what will be HIS illness. The behaviors that come from his illness are his, whether he owns then or not. But it is and always will be a joint or family problem.
Make sure you both get counseling and if possible attend as many of his sessions as you can. You need to know that he's not lying to his counselor (by lying to himself).

[MIFANTCARER]

Well done!!!! That sounds like an amazing effort !!! With everything we are constantly juggling, work, kids, school commitees, kids sporting events, dogs, cats, family, friends plus being a carer our homes often get put last. I know my list is growing and at times I just close my eyes and wish it would all go away, But it doesn't. I too have been tackling little jobs around the house and garden with my family. It is slowly getting there but I  did find that goal setting did really help. It is nice to hear of a similar struggle and path to over comming it, good luck and thank you for sharing 🙂