Friends, Family & Carers Forum

[Faith-and-Hope]

Good to see you @Ontilt1971..... 👋

[Ontilt1971]

How does everyone do it? I try to bite my lip to stop a sarcastic reply when my partner has a go at me.

But there are times when I just snap back because I just dont understand where the comments are coming from.

How do you know when you should walk away and when you should stay???

[Ontilt1971]

I just read my two previous posts. Looks like I have a theme going.....

[Faith-and-Hope]

Hi @Ontilt1971 

It’s a hard one that I have struggled with at times.

Two directions worth asking yourself about are:

 “if nothing changes, is what I am living with sustainable ?  Can I do this ?  Am I safe here ?”

”What does the alternative look like ? How would I leave and where would I go ?  Am I safe to leave or would I need help and protection to do that ?”

Talking it through with a counsellor can help you arrive at a list of pros and cons to guide your decision.

Is there middle ground that you can move into more than you are doing at the moment, such as taking a class or two in an interest area like art or yoga or music ?  

Can you spend time out of the house in a coffee shop with a good book, a crossword, catching up with friends ?

Di you have a dog to walk ? A local library ?

Volunteer for something ?

Maybe none of these suggestions will help, but I am hoping they will start you thinking about what to do, or whether you can settle better somewhere in middle ground.

Relationships Australia can be worth chatting to . http://www.relationships.org.au

@Former-Member @Shaz51 @Determined 

[Former-Member]

@Ontilt1971 

I chose to stay but in doing so made a conscious decision to learn about Mr D's condition and respond in a healthy manner. Our relationship is all the better for this.

I understand that each has to decide themselves. As carers we often come on the forum when things are difficult and many patients with MI cannot sustain a relationship, but I do.want to  assure you that there are some success stories too.

[Shaz51]

Hello @Ontilt1971 , lovely to see you again

with me it took me a little while to relize that my mr shaz did not mean what he said sometimes

I have bitten my tounge lots of times over the years and I have found responding straight up did not help , but I was able to say something afterwards

@Ontilt1971  not sure if you are in the situation of your partner just saying words or anything else he is doing ?? ( hope it is only words )

@Former-Member, @Faith-and-Hope , @patientpatient 

[Ontilt1971]

Hi @Shaz51 

Thanks for your kind words. With her it is only words. I'm a stubborn man so need to realise that sometimes and just let them wash by me. I'm slowly learning to wait for the storm to subside and then talk about it afterwards.

All is calm at the moment.

[Shaz51]

glad it is only words @Ontilt1971 

one step at a time my friend

sometimes it is good not to say something at the height of things 

I know it is hard and then later I can  suggest something later

I have had lots of tears , but now it is a lot better

be there , be strong , be gentle my friend , lots of times I have said nothing but sat next to my mr shaz holding his hand

[Faith-and-Hope]

Hi @Ontilt1971 @Shaz51 

Sometimes I try to deal with things in the moment, and sometimes it works, but often it doesn’t.  When I can see that I am not getting through and my mr’s frustration and anxiety are increasing to the point where he is just going to become more biting with no real gain, I just back off.  It’s not worth the meltdown all over everybody, but it also becomes hard to revisit it later when that happens, because he has lost face.

Rather than coming back to talk about it later, I can see he is trying to problem-solve whatever cause the blow-up in the first place to try to prevent it from reoccurring.

I wish it was all that simple.  Instead we have got a mash-up of probems, solutions, holding patterns, containment, etc, but things are much steadier (usually) and less volatile (usually) than they were 12 to 18 months ago.

I think it’s sonethong that we can only work on in bits and pieces, like making a quilt .... for those of us who are crafters .... or like tending to a garden perhaps, for the gardeners amongst us.

[Shaz51]

I think it’s sonethong that we can only work on in bits and pieces,, totally true @Faith-and-Hope 

with everything you said because , at first I would cry , and then at times I would try and say something on the spot then walk away

going back later and talking does not always works as mr shaz does not want to talk about it

@Ontilt1971, @Former-Member