Friends, Family & Carers Forum

[Ophie]

This is my first post and I will introduce myself properly soon, but tonight I tried to explain to my schizophrenic husband how hard it is for me at the moment.

I said I couldn't imagine the burden and feelings he experiences, but as his partner, I carry half. It doesn't always lighten his burden, but I carry half because that's what you do, even if you don't know why. You just keep on carrying this load with another person because you love that person.

I thought we were going to have an ok evening and we talked and joked for a while and things were going ok.

And then he got really drunk again.

How can you help someone who won't help themself?

[sanfran]

Hi Ophie

Sorry that your evening started so well, and then your husband got drunk (again). Yes, your husband has to make the choice to do something about his drinking . . .  but guess it leaves you feeling sad and lonely, and frustrated that he won't help himself. Lots of self care needed for you, because yes, as you say, you carry half the burden of his mental illness. Glad you have joined the forum, and hope you get some sleep tonight . . . 

[Ophie]

Thank you. I've decided to call in sick (my sick days only get used in relation to my husband, I'm as healthy as a horse!) but will catch up on sleep and try to reassess what I am doing to look after myself at the moment (besides coffee, not much!). Thanks for your reply. It means a lot to feel acknowledged when you feel bad.

[MIFANTCARER]

Welcome!!!

Sounds like you are carrying a lot, especially if your partner is also drinking. Sadly only they can make the decision to change and seek help but this doesn’t stop you from doing the same.

As you carry this heavy load please look after yourself, it is okay to put yourself first at times.

Go for walks, go out with friends and eat regularly and well.

Seek support from support groups and assistance from services like Mental illness fellowships, GROW, Carers, relationship Australia and beyond blue. These services can also help you with referrals and support for your partner, helping to carry some of that load.

Practise mindfulness which also helps, you can google this, there are loads of resources on the internet.

Take a break, get out of the house and find a hobby or have a cuppa with a friend, someone you are comfortable having a chat with.

And keep up your Communication and conversation with your partner. This is key in having a healthy understanding relationship and working together will help create a strong happier future.

I hope this has helped.

Good luck!!!

[NikNik]

Hi @Ophie

I'm so sorry to hear what you're going through.

@sanfran and @MIFANTCARER have been wonderfully supportive and given some great advice - I hope you've found it helpful.

I also wanted to let you know that tomorrow night here in the Forums we are hosting a Topic Tuesday about caring for someone who struggles with drugs or alcohol. It starts at 7pmAEST. It sounds like you might find it helpful. You can read more here

I'm glad you're resting up today. May I ask, is your husband seeking treatment for his mental illness?

[Ophie]

Thank you guys. Today my husband admitted that giving up alcohol (at least for a while) was necessary. I will be looking into your great recommendations too.

[Appleblossom]

Hi @Ophie

It is so hard to know where to draw the line about drinking with a partner.

I was never prohibitionist. I helped my ex husbandmarkedly reduce drugs and drinking. He was also diagnosed with schizophreina.

Mostly I did not drink just a couple of times per year.  At first I may have enabled drinking as I was trying to make nice desserts with sprits etc .. new wife/mum etc but it just meant that there was temptation in the pantry, and the bottles were always drained quickly, so I stopped that quickly.I accepted his need to get "wasted" with a mate and he reduced it to a couple times per year to very rare.  He also reduced smoking but never really gave that up .. but still it was a reasonable outcome.

Do you have children? I think they forced my ex to assesss his behaviour.

[hopeandsupport]

I can empathise with you.  I too had a bad night with my daughter last night.  She was doing really well and now is being pressured by Centrelink.  urghh.  I wish we were financially independent but we're not.  Anyway stress is the last thing people with Schizophrenia need.  My brother is also schizophrenic and drinks, and I know when he goes overboard, his mental health suffers.  I hope you can find some support, maybe just someone to call and talk to when this is happening.  I know it's not easy because it happens unexpectedly and you just have to deal with it in the moment.  Take care of yourself.