Friends, Family & Carers Forum

[NikNik]

Hi everyone,

Tomorrow we are closing our current poll (on the right hand side on the carers homepage) and I was blown away with the results as they currently stand.

100% of respondents said Emotional Support is what they wanted help with the most. This rated the highest over - 

- Financial support

- Assistance with day to day tasks

- Respite support

In a way we shouldn't be surpised by this result. Carers are more at risk of experiencing mental health difficulties than someone not in a caring role.

We thought we would share with you 4 ways to get emotional support:

1) Peer support: sharing a conversation with a fellow carer can be comforting. There is a mutual understanding that underpins the relationship. You can find connect with other peers online (ie: this forum!) or face to face. One way to find a face to face carer support group is by calling ARAFMI in your state, or Mind Australia

2) Seek professional support: You don't have a diagnosed mental illness to see a professional - sometimes speaking to a psychologist or a counsellor is a good 'tune up' and a preventative measure. Carers Australia offer counselling for carers.

3) Seek out your network of friends and family: Being connected helps reduce emotional strain. You may not want to talk about your caring role with your friends, but having a healthy connected friendship increases our wellbeing. Be sure to make it a priority to connect with friends and family.

4) Plan and get into a routine of self care: Carers hear this all the time – "look after yourself", but often the health of carers suffer. Self care is different for everyone, for some it might be a hobby or interest, for others it might practicing meditation. Connecting with Mental health carer organisations (ie: ARAFMI, MIND, Mental Health Carers) carer specific organisations (Carers Australia)  can take you through what respite options they can assist you with

If you want to speak more about these options, you can ring SANE Australia helpline on 1800 18 7263

Are there any other tips or names of organisations they have used for emotional support?

[Appleblossom]

I worked in a community centre for 5 years.  Just the knowledge that I was spending time with people with community values helped .. sense of camraderie in the workplace can give strength

[PeppiPatty]

i love my suupport i get. I work extremely hard at getting support because my original family give me very little. But on the other hand, when i see my 2 brothers, they show me how much they love me. 

I have Silver Chain come in once per fortnight.....to keep me up to date with whats happening and keep me doing artwork.

I also have a beautiful cleaner i care for who comes in once per month. 

When i moved to my area in Western Australia, where i live, i  usually spend a lot of time alone. So, i, source someone i feel i can learn to trust and work hard to give me support. For the past two years, i had that with someone but we went belly up and we both moved on. I now met someone else and this person makes sure he sees me once or twice per week and we have deep and meaningful coffees at least once per week. He is great and he's even met my ex husband and likes him. 

Also, theres a good community centre i go to who gives me good support. The Psychotherapist i see once a fortnight trained the Councillor who works there and its good to see the people who see her, Im comfortable with that. I dont talk about it though.

Im very interested in how the family is supported  with the other  people who go there. Ive been there for two years .......I can see that a lot of homeless and stigmatised people who go there arent shunning me anymore.... ......i have a home and i dont use illegal substances .....i just need support .......theres a lot of illegal substance abuse happening there..... and im trusted now. 

No one comes to visit me in my home which is lovely. Ive really been struggling with my own stuff in the last few weeks and..........to actually have done the hard yards with getting support from others who i feel i can trust haS been lovely because I dont want to feel insecure in my home.  Then, my ex husband has written me three months ago, i took three months to think about it now......we spend a lot of time together but only as friends.

Today, Saturday morning, i gorgot to take my medication and also. I dont feel good at all. I went to see my support person and had a barbeque with his family. I arranged for his step brother to clean my home for payment. I dont feel well at all. My support person is coming over to visit my early tomorrow morning 

[AlienBP2]

I have to wait months to get " mumsie" into respite because they only have one room for high care.
I should book her in again as Wiil have to wait months to get vacant in this area.
Getting respite and being able to have a break...get away from this area for a couple of weeks helps my sanity; makes me.; Appreciate this area more I leave my dog with my brother..,,

[MockingJay]

I've been caring for a sightless lady for 5 yrs. Before I retired I use to care for people of all ages in the disability field n worked for DFS with children in their care who were disabled n with challenging behaviour. I cared for my bro who has schizophrenia for 10 yrs until his meds stabilised his illness. I also cared for my husband of 21 yrs but no longer do anymore. I guess it was pre determined it would become my career. The reason why I'm sharing this is that in my training we learned that to protect ourselves from emotional burnout to adopt a detach with love approach. That was a long time ago. But looking back on the experiences when I retired I realised how it supported me with my BPD. I believe that making room for 'me time' is essentially important because how can we take care of our loved ones if we don't take the time to take time out for ourselves. And a routine time out helps the family get use to it. It might even catch on n who's not up for that?? Yaae oops!

[PeppiPatty]

Jeepers @AlienBP2

You are wonderful. How much respite so you have? 

Me and my hub. are going to a friends for a week to give us a break.....Ille be able to ....crochet and read and he can do whatever he wants to do with his friend who likes the same things as he does......

@MockingJay can you type about the training to go about adopt a detach with love approach?

Yeah, My H. used to be ex but no more......we do the routine and it's very important, so glad that you also like it. 

I find that hopping on Sane Forums is a good way for me to see that there is so much support for me.

I set up huge amounts of support but sometimes, i cant.... I end up wasting my days with sleeping.....

[Appleblossom]

"Detach with love"  is a great approach. It is a bit like the "firmly but kindly" approach to use with small children.

You have so much caring experience @MockingJay, along with humour, and the courage to be direct.

I learned about the value of detachment through theological reading ... Meister Eckart ... and the buddhists. I had just come out of uni and had small kids.

It wasnt as clearly presented as your approach and I had to do a lot of sifting through culture and ideology to gain useful material ... but it was my way of connecting with my mother's religiosity ... finding something positive apart from the superstitious and judgemental aspects ... and trying to be close to her. Her take on religion was very different to mine ... now she is dead ... and she never really appreciated my efforts for her ... and my children are committed atheists ... so I just keep loose links with the church. A few of the friendships are still positive ... and the liturgies I am involved with are beautiful and inspiring and healing for me.

So far I am finding CarersVic a good organisation.

[MockingJay]

Just checking to see if I can post now

[MockingJay]

Thank you Nik. Your suggestion worked

Cheers

MockingJay

[MockingJay]

PeppiPatty. To detach with love was introduced to help disarm escalating situations. After reading some of the posts in the carers forum I mentioned it because it helped me to cope with very pracarious situations. One of which resulted in being stabbed in the eye. The young man I was caring for had a lot of problems. Born with not just physical disabilities but intellectual as well. It happened on the day my case manager visited. I ushered her out of the house immediately because her reaction was a typical response which could have escalated the young man's state of mind to lose his temper in a destructive way n because he's never had the ability to vocalise his feelings he's learned to rely on communicating in a volitile way. To control the outcome is not to respond in a way that will escalate the situation. To detach with love is not allowing yourself become consumed by the incident n react typically as anyone would under the circumstances. To realise that the person is not in control of their actions their thoughts or aware of how their behaviour is affecting you. To detach with love takes a mental strength that frees you from emotions that would otherwise contribute to a messy outcome. The training is on the job. To practise honing the skills is to maintain this mental attitude and your training is to change the way you respond. The example I used here was not a regular occurrence and this was what I was paid to do. I also had a team of qualified support network. The children I worked with were very profoundly disabled and not always physically. To find people to care for some of these kids was very difficult for DFS. The boy I mentioned here we developed a strong bond. He came into my life when I just buried my only son. I visited him years later and he recognised me immediately. It was like time melted away. I mentioned the ability to detach with love in that maybe it can be modified to help the carers with their situations. There is no worse feeling for any carer than the feeling of helplessness. For family related carers is much worse because we have the habit of blaming ourselves. Maybe not out loud but still isn't it hard to kick the habit. By the way my eye suffered no serious damage.