When you feel love is not enough

[Healandlove]

@tyme , thank you for thinking of me. I have also been thinking about every member in this forum that I have read comments on and just thinking how much other people are going through as well. I'm OK. Things at home have been OK. We had a couple counselling session on Thursday that went well and my husband acknowledged a few things which has been uplifting.  I do worry that his complex-PTSD has made me more controlling. I worry about him drinking even though he only drinks a bit of wine on a Friday, Saturday and a bit on a Sunday. I get anxious when he has his next glass on a Friday.  I worry this is too much and I stop him. It makes me feel bad and controlling. I worry that if I don't set a boundary with a number he will have a whole bottle on his own. I  think I am doing the wrong thing. I guess for me it's the fear that he has that next glass to let down his guard and it is just not the right way to deal with emotions.  I don't think I should say anything to him anymore and should just let him decide how much he wants to drink on these 3 days. I just don’t know if I am helping him or hurting him with my anxiety. Maybe it is me who has to change my outlook on things. 😔...I don't know anymore. He does become upset, just goes quiet if I mention it so he obviously doesn't like it. But I fear he uses alcohol as a coping mechanism. 

[amount of alcohol consumed has been removed by moderators]

[tyme]

There's no right or wrong. I read that you have the fear that your hubby will revert back to unhelpful coping (drinking), and hence you revert to your way of coping which is to try and control that situation? Is that right?

This is natural. Fear drives us to cope in whatever why we can. Some ways are helpful, some ways are harmful. The idea is to find balance. Rather than have so much alcohol in the house, maybe it's about making it less accessible? Ultimately, he needs to do this. You can only suggest it. So if he was alcohol, he needs to go and purchase it.... sometimes he may do this, but other times he may just prefer not to. 

It's a long road, but it's not impossible. Just keep going.

We are here to walk this way with you.

[Healandlove]

@tyme thank you for your kind words. We don't keep alcohol in the house. But Fridays my husband will go out and buy 2 bottles of wine. He has 2-3 glasses with dinner on Fridays and Saturday and I only have 1. I guess my anxiety comes from him only wanting 2 glasses to now increasing to 3 since last year when his mental decline started. Some people would say this is not excessive drinking but somehow I see as that. Perhaps it is one of the things I should let go and let him self regulate with. I will speak with my therapist about it because this concept of controlling as a coping mechanism is new to me.  Thank you for that insight as to why I may be reacting this way. Thank you for being here. I hope you have a nice weekend. 

[Healandlove]

@JustWhelmed , that is great that your husband has a good psychologist and has developed a trusting connection.  This is so important for therapy to work! My husband likes his psychologist too so I am grateful for that. 

I know what you mean about having time away. I do get anxious too but more from the end of my husband's mood affecting the kids. For example he is self-deprecating.  Last night a dinner he was telling them how when he was at school he was an idiot. He often puts himself down in front of the kids. 

How do you deal with your husband's change in moods? Also, does your husband seek physical connection like hugs etc? My husband didn't grow up with anything of that so it is not easy for him and on top of it his complex ptsd makes him think he is unworthy of love. 

I hear you, it is hard to carry everyone including ourselves.  I pray everyday that thinks can improve even if it takes a long time. Thank you for being here ❤️. 

I wish you a weekend of peace and progress, however small. 

[Healandlove]

@JustWhelmed , that is an interesting dream! I am glad it brought you happiness. I sometimes look at the past and think what if...what if I had know my husband carried these weights and needed help. What if I had set tougher boundaries...would it had helped him sooner? It is not very helpful for me to look back.

It is nice that in this first relationship you left in good terms. You can feel peace that you did try to help him.

Life does get harder and I guess that makes me feel resentment sometimes.  Is it this hard for people in relationships where there are no mental health problems? As you said in a previous post, we could we so much happier if the c-ptsd could be consistently managed. I hope we get there as families. One day...

[VickieLynn]

I have CPTSD. I also have a son with BPD and schizo effective disorder. I've struggled for many years to find answers to why I cycled in and out of panic/anxiety, flash backs, night terrors. My childhood was very difficult with family members that have mental health issues as well as Narssisitic. So many complex issues. To many to discuss in one conversation. I too found a psychologist that specialised in Trauma counseling. It has helped me regain my relationship with my husband. I have also rebuilt relationships with my other child who saw how hard I was working on getting help with my CPTSD. I didn't realise that I had CPTSD till later in my life. I just thought I was broken and I disassociated or denied my own feelings about how I felt about things that happened to me in my childhood and then the 20 years of dealing with my older son with mental health issues. My husband always said I was 'stand offish '. I didn't recognise it that way. I thought I was protecting myself from being hurt or triggers that would bring back painful memories in the form of night terrors. I am truly blessed to have a husband who has been there for me through the many years of trauma counseling. I can't  speak to your husband's situation, but I can say that in my situation I truly wanted to be loved and have a close relationship with my husband but I hadn't been taught love growing up. Love was earned in my birth family. I always kept somethings in/separate because of both fear of being hurt but also lack of being able to be vulnerable. CPTSD is complex and in my case the triggers come without me knowing what triggered me. It took 6 years of therapy and reading a lot about others who grew up similar to me. That's when I started to learn to be more vulnerable and work at my relationship with my husband. I hope you and your husband can find that spark you once had

[Healandlove]

@VickieLynn , thank you so much for sharing your story so generously. Well done on all the amazing work you have done and continue to do I'm sure, towards your healing and saving your relationship with your husband and your children. Your husband is equally lucky to have someone that loved him enough to work hard on themselves. Can you share what coping mechanisms he used to support you but at the same time put boundaries to protect himself,  please? 

My heart swells with joy reading your story and how you both got through it. Your relationship would be so much stronger for it. That's very uplifting!

My husband also wants to be loved but he has a lot of challenges with allowing himself to feel vulnerable and connect emotionally. When he feels emotionally overwhelmed he goes into panic and anger mode. It's tiring. I have a lot of empathy but supporting him is a lot of work at times. I hope he does continue to work on himself like you have. There are a lot of ups and downs and 1 step forward and 2 back with him. You said it took 6 years of therapy? He has only been in therapy for 6 month but almost 2 years for our couple therapy.  Did you and your husband do couple therapy?

Perhaps that should be my timeline...6 years 🥲. I would be very grateful if you can share some of your husband's coping mechanisms. 

I am so proud of you. The work would be intense and so hard but you came out the other side loving yourself and loving others. That is a triumphant story right there. Sending you hugs 🫂.  Thank you again 💓 

[VickieLynn]

My husband didn't show me that he was using any coping mechanisms.. His go to was silence and doing things around the house. Even at my insisting he wouldn't go to counseling either.  He was away a lot and I traveled with him to many of his business trips. So we both got a break from the triggers. We also go camping together. We have a son who's BPD and schizo effective disorder. I also have family members that are mentally ill. So, we defaulted to 'working as a team ' to set boundaries as a couple from the family dramas. It's complicated but my family lives in another country and some are toxic narcissistic people. So on top of our son with his struggles we dealt with my family issues. I lived in denial for many years until they death of  my mother. That's when everything thing came to a head for me and I had to seek specialised help. My husband was more concerned about losing me to mental health. I guess that's what kept him from leaving but there were a number of really tough years.  We both saw it as our problem to navigate as we had to find help for our son. I did a lot of research on narcissistic family dynamics in my search for answers to 'what was wrong with me'. 

I got a text from my husband after the death of my mother and the family violence that occurred after. I spiraled into a weird fog for months. It was my husband text that made me realise I needed to finally seek healing from childhood abuse and the CPTSD of dealing with our son as well. I am blessed with a very good friend who's a psychologist and she recommended the trauma counseling. 

My husband's text was simple... Don't let your sister's violence/lying define you and don't let our son drag you down.  It woke me up to realise he was on my side. Sadly CPTSD is never cured. However I found the most relief when some of my toxic family members died and I cut all ties to them. We still have to navigate my son's mental health challenges but we both have found a way to navigate the complex issues with my CPTSD. As a matter of fact my husband has always known when I have been around someone/something that triggers me. That's helped me be self aware and to make changes to how I respond to triggers. Art is my self care. So I try to use that to help cope. I also. Journal about things I find hard to talk about 

• My self help and hubby's may not be for everyone but it was my counselor who helped me find what works.

[Healandlove]

@VickieLynn thank you so much for continuing to share your experience and that of your husband's.  I am so glad you both found a way forward to navigate cptsd and all the problems together. 

He must be very tuned in to understanding triggers and has therefore been able to support you so well. For me, I did not realize a lot of things about my husband's behaviour until it all came to a head. Once he was diagnosed with cptsd it all made sense, his temper and lack of emotional regulation, his inability to take a compliment,  his emotional detachment. For him he became more overwhelmed when our kids were born. After what we have lived he is more aware of his emotions, his triggers and how to better manage them. He is not by any means without these challenges and I don't think he will ever be free from them but at least he is trying however slow it feels to me. He has found a trauma specialist that he likes and for now continues his therapy.  Sounds like your husband and you worked out how to work together to get better. My husband doesn't want to talk about emotions too much with me but at least he does talk to his therapist.  I am hoping things continue to improve for us. May I ask, did you say you had therapy for 6 years? Did you do EMDR or anything similar? How often were your sessions over the 6 years? 

I am in awe of your husband and you and I'm so glad you both found a way to heal together ❤️