When you feel love is not enough

[Healandlove]

@tyme , thank you for your kind words.

I guess I am frustrated at the slowness of progress and I find the marriage counselling draining. It seems like we go around in circles and 1 step forward and 2 back. I do also feel that he needs to heal first. I really just want him to be healthy and happy.  He has so much potential to be the man, husband and father I know he can be. Yes he has prolonged trauma from his childhood. He was diagnosed this year with complex-PTSD. One of the consequences of this trauma is that he always felt he didn't have a voice. He rebels against his parents. His parents solve issues by sweeping them under the carpet. So he never learnt how to have an argument constructively or even without getting agitated and angry. It is heartbreaking. He lives in a world where he is hypervigilant for criticisms and opposition. He also shuts down emptionally. Becoming a father triggered him in a big way. I noticed a significant change in mood and behaviour after the birth of our second child (boy). I was told by a psychotherapist that the birth of a boy took him to a dark place as it probably triggered the memories of what he went through. I asked him then to go to marriage counselling as I knew something wasn't right but he refused. Then covid hit and the rest is history. The thing is I also suffered childhood trauma. The difference between us is that I had support and a strong bond with my parents and that connection saw me through. My trauma has given me anxiety. I am getting therapy for myself to deal with what happened to me and with what is happening in my marriage. I guess what is making this situation so much harder is that I want to leave the trauma behind so badly and just be a happy family but instead I am having to be the stronger person. I'm sorry for sharing so much. I understand this would be hard to read. He is trying and I hope we can get through this. He was a lovely man and I hope that man is still in there somewhere. Most of all I want to stop the transgenerational trauma. Even if it is just me shielding the kids. My therapist told me that one emotionally grounded parent is enough for kids to feel safe and develop coping strategies. I hope that is true.

Thank you for being here. I can't believe I have written all of this down. I have to admit, reading it breaks my heart but also makes me feel a little bit lighter. 

[JustWhelmed]

Hey @Healandlove 

I'm not sure I have any helpful advice. My situation is similar; my partner has CPTSD, Anxiety, ASD and likely ADHD. He just can't cope with everyday life and any simple thing (arguing with Telstra, any interaction with his toxic ex, even a hint of someone maybe ripping him off) and he is basically lost to us all (we have 4 kids between us). If I wasn't driving boundaries and rules, housework, the kids being accountable for their actions/choices, he would do ZERO. Mostly he does zero. 

I know he loves me with all his heart.... but I am wearing down. I can't continue this either, but I do worry he will self harm if I mention that I can't do it any more... I don't know what the answer is. I thnk our life could be so happy/normal if the PTSD could be managed 😞

[Healandlove]

@JustWhelmed , thank you for sharing your story. I am sorry you are also going through this. It is a lot. May I ask, is your partner doing therapy/on medication? These last few days things have calmed down for my husband and we have been OK but waiting for the next trigger is really unerving. I hear what you are saying. Sounds like you are holding on for the kids as well? I don't know what the future holds for us but I know I won't be able to survive this if there is no improvement in my husband's mental health.  Are you able to take time for yourself away from your partner. I feel that helps me. Whenever I can I have time for me, by myself and with good friends. We are all here for you. Please look after yourself.

[tyme]

Hey @Healandlove ,

It looks like there are many who can relate to what you are sharing. It sounds like avoidance is your husband's go to. I'm wondering if his depression is making him void of feeling at this time? Sometimes, things get so hard that they become numb. I had depression for many years. It was a combination of medication and talking therapy that helped. Without the anti depressants, I don't think I would have been able to take in therapy. 

It sounds like he really needs support for his own mental health so that he can then be there to support you and the children. 

Hang in there. The progress is slow, but not impossible. All things are possible.

[Healandlove]

@tyme , yes my husband has depression as well. He has taken antidepressants before but doesn't want to now as they make him feel numb. I think therapy is what helps him. He has been better since Friday but he goes through cycles so I am waiting for the next time he is triggered and feels emotionally overwhelmed.  We have couples counselling tomorrow and I plan to speak about this and ask the therapist for tools to help me cope. There are times (like now) when I feel so hopeful that we can be a happy family but then when he falls into those terrible moments of anger, shutting down emotionally and withdrawl, I just want to be far away. I don't want to loose hope. Thank you for your support and kind words. I really hope he makes a recovery so we can all be happy together. I am glad that the antidepressants and the therapy helped you. I find hope in hearing everyone's healing journey. We are here but a minute...as a friend put it...why not give ourselves every chance to heal ❤️‍🩹. I Hope you are having a lovely evening. 

[tyme]

We are all only human @Healandlove . We go through cycles and processes. It's totally normal.

You are not alone in this,

I wonder if your husband would consider seeing someone about his antidepressants? I know you mentioned he stopped, but there are that many different types of anti depressants out there - trying one which doesn't work is not the be all and end all. 

I think I tried more than 10 before I got to the one that worked. It was a life saver....

When you lose hope, this is when we need one another - 

Good night. Speak soon,

tyme

[Healandlove]

@tyme , yes I have spoken to my husband about the antidepressants and so has his therapist and GP. For now he is refusing but I am glad he is still going to therapy.  He is being monitored though so I hope he is opened to medication in the future. Hopefully the therapy is enough but only time will tell.

Thank you for being here. 

Goodnight 🌛

[JustWhelmed]

Thanks @Healandlove 

Yes he has a lovely psychologist who GETS him, and she has really practical solutions as well as slowly taking him through DBT when he's in the right headspace to do so. I ABSOLUTELY hear you on the waiting game.... my husband was in a super minor car accident last week, which resulted in thoughts of self harm/suicide and tapping out of life. Now I need to book the car to be assessed (minor damage, no one was hurt) but I am avoiding it as it will trigger him again.... it never ends.

Yes I carry everyone, and have to make him do some carrying for his kids too as I can't do it all. I do get some time away, but it seems like when I do, nothing gets done and that makes me more anxious! I can't win. I don't know what the solution is. Currently I am trying to drive adherence to therapy strategies, which is tricky when I have a memory like a sieve myself 😂

[JustWhelmed]

Also really odd but I had a dream last night about this guy I dated in my early 20's, ABSOLUTELY ADORED him, like he was all the things but in hindsight, absolutely had PTSD, potentially schizophrenia, couldn't work and barely left the house. We couldn't manage to get him the help and stick to all the strategies, and we were fresh early 20's year olds, you know? Life got SO much more complex the older I got and adding kids into the mix.... I think we get a lot of self realisation and understanding when we get older, and everything gets harder.

I left him because I was just burnt out on trying to save him basically. He is still very unwell, the poor guy (my sister is a psych nurse and mentioned she spoke to him in the MH unit, he said it was OK to mention to me she'd seen him) and I often wonder if I had the knowledge and skills I have now (and probably no kids lol) would we have been ok, you know? Who knows. Was a nice dream seeing him young and healthy tho 🙂

[tyme]

Hey @JustWhelmed ,

Very interesting.

As carers, it's just to important that people look after their own health because it can be very draining. I'm glad you had a pleasant dream 🙂

How are you going tonight anyway?

Hey @Healandlove , hope you are okay too. Thinking of you so I wanted to pass by to see how you are.