Living with an alcoholic husband

[Elice]

My husband is an alcoholic. 

when we first got together, I knew he was a big social drinker and I figured when we settled down, his drinking would also settle, but it’s only escalated. We have been together 5 years and married for 2. We went through a separation just after our one year anniversary because of his drinking. He made a lot of promises and worked hard to work on himself and fought so hard to get me back in his life. We got back together after 6 months and moved into our new home that we started building before we separated. It was supposed to be a fresh start. We worked so hard to get things back on track and for a while there, things were good. This morning .. I asked him not to have a drink today. He had a big weekend so a day without it would do him some good. He chose alcohol over me and I realised he has been choosing alcohol over me, every single day. When I voice my concerns, he brushes them off ‘it’s not a big deal’ or get angry and makes it my problem. It is a big deal. I have voiced my concerns in calm ways, big ways, irrational ways and tearful ways. None of it has made a difference to his drinking. I lived my childhood with an alcoholic father .. and I have now chosen an alcoholic husband. 
How do it get him support?! how do I get him to see that he is harming us, me, his family, and himself?! I don’t know what to do anymore. I left once because of it .. I am prepared to leave if I need to again but I love everything about this person, apart from his drinking. 

[tyme]

Welcome to the forums. @Elice 

Thank you for sharing what's been happening for you. I can imagine how much pressure this is adding on you. 

Do you think he is ready to make changes?

[Elice]

Some times I think he is because when I speak about his drinking he will agree he has been going a little harder than usual but other times he will turn it around on me and act like I am the one with the problem. He was ‘very disappointed’ in me that I went to his parents to seek support. The sad thing is .. they knew exactly why I went to see them as soon as they saw me. 

[Alex9]

Hi Elice, 

Sounds like you are in a very tough spot at the moment. My mother is an alcoholic and doesn't want to accept help; she constantly deflects if I try to bring it up. So, I relate to your experience when your husband tries to turn his problem on you. 

In my experience, once I realised that no matter what I did, my mum did not want to be helped and constantly arguing with her was only hurting me, I moved out. I will be ready to support her when she is prepared to accept help, but unfortunately, she is not at that stage yet. 

I can see that your situation is even more difficult because he is your husband.

I am unsure if you have done this, but I would reach out to some support services in your area, marriage counselling, alcohol rehabilitation support groups, etc. and talk to him if he would be willing to engage in these services to help manage his addiction. If he puts up a fight and denies that he has a problem, then I would leave; if he is unwilling to reach out at least and see what these services can do to help him, then he will continue to cause you distress.

I would make sure this time that he doesn't just make promises to get better, but tangible results. Healing from an addiction is not linear but if he is in contact with support and at least giving it a go that would be amazing. 

If you don't want to do those things above, I would consider for your mental well-being to seek a counsellor/psychologist yourself. It sounds like throughout your life, you have dealt with some stressful situations due to people around you having an alcohol addiction; talking about it with a professional may be beneficial for you. 

Anyway, thanks for reaching out, and I really do empathise with you. I hope your husband gets the help he needs.

[MermaidHair]

Hey @Elice,

This is really tough. I can relate a lot to everything you have written here as unfortunately my ex partner and the father of my children is an alcoholic. For me it didn't matter what I said, who I involved, begged him, pleaded, ultimatums, separations etc, years of fighting for this man because he was also good despite this problem. In the end the drinking won.

That isn't to say your partner can't change, lots and lots of people overcome it, but it really has to come from them. They have to want it more than you do, they have to really want it.

Would he be open to receiving outside help and support, like counselling or AA? And what about for yourself, are you getting support?