Hope fading

[Stargirl]

@tyme @appleblossom My daughter (20) has mental illness that is causing chaos in her life. She is homeless (4th time in the past year and a half), unable to live independently or with others, unable to keep jobs anymore, has very little self care, can't sleep, self medicates with whatever she can find (not sure if she's trying hard drugs but she's mixing with some very scary people and been in some very frightening situations lately), self harms (has even been in hospital and released shortly after surgery because 'she wanted to go' and because she 'presented well' regardless of me explaining to nurses what was really going on with her mentally and pleading and begging for further intervention), restrictive eating, end of life threats (for a while it was weekly threats at all times of the night or day), defiant, compulsive and so much more. She says that the services she is presenting to have no accommodation for her unless she pays a contribution. She has no money. She is giving up. I am pretty much her only contact and I have to limit that as it's exhausting beyond belief. Her dad can't communicate with her at all and same with most of the family. Everyone is cutting off to protect their own mental health. We are all at breaking point. I have counselling and am told to not enable (give no money and don't try to save her). Just be there to listen. Easier said than done. I feel like a traitor and a complete failure. I am broken. I have done everything and more and still nothing seems to work. At my daughter's request earlier this year I arranged an appointment with a psychiatrist. That appointment is finally in four weeks. I don't know if this doctor has experience with personality disorders (that's what we think she has apart from her OCD diagnosis and potential ADHD). I'm so scared she will end her life. She seems to be giving up. She's not living she's existing. I'm sure this story is not unfamiliar with some of you. Why can't these beautiful young people get the help they need before it comes to this?

[Appleblossom]

@Stargirl 

Dreadfully hard situation watching your daughter suffer.

Is there any reason why she is not on any Centrelink payment that can be used to pay her contribution? Should not any social workers at the hospital figured that out!  On one level, it probably not wise to keep rescuing her financially, but maybe enable her to manage within reasonable financial limits.

If its any cause for hope, I got on with my life, simply paying my rent, bills and food and going back to uni at 23, on the TEAS allowance, which was less than the unemployment benefit, or  working wherever I could find a job, sometimes manual, hospitality or, clerical.  My mother brought me a bag of potatoes or onions.  She was on Widow's pension. I did not expect more.  Working from the bottom up, can be empowering, if there is hope and support.  So there is a big role for you, as her mother.  I have had health professionals make a mess of their advice, and also listened to a head honcho in genetics research tell me his son's drug story....

My brother was discharged after surgery inappropriately.  Hospital follow up can be a bad joke.  Some people have better luck, but I should not have to mince words.  It is outrageous, that she has been let go in those circumstances.  Part of me will always have a heart bond with homeless people and I go back and socialise and support a little.  For me it was over 40 years ago.  The mood on the street is full of stories of people being mishandled, which is why they check out.

Strengths building is one of the best approaches I know.  You know her best, try to get her to have faith in some of her strengths whatever they may be.  Little bit by little bit.

[Stargirl]

• Oh thank you for sharing your story @Appleblossom. That really gives me hope. She is on Centrelink however she blows it all pretty fast. On what I don't know ... Strength building for sure. It's not easy especially when she is so negative but I keep trying. I will never give up. I'm hoping her recent scary (and they were life threatening situations) has woken her up to the dark side of life. She says it was a wake up call... We will see... We have a long way to go yet. 

[Appleblossom]

@Stargirl 

Self care is really important so you keep your balance, but of course we cannot help but feel for loved family members.  She will have to find her own way through the miasma ... despite all the so called easy fixes ... life these days is not simple.

[Stargirl]

Yes she does have to find her own way for sure. And yes self care is the key and I was doing so well for quite some time but it all caught up with me and her dad recently after she went through some very tough times which have some serious consequences. The reality of it all just came crashing down on us. We love her so much but feel so helpless and just have to protect ourselves but that's so hard. Now I'm just exhausted most of the time. We do have some great hobbies which are helping and good supports and work which is a good distraction. Daughter is now in a refuge for at least 6 weeks which is a good start. I hope someone there can connect with her and help her to help herself break out of her cyclic behaviour and circumstances. It's so hard to not worry. I have been told to see it as a moment in time. I'll try. She is very lonely. That's painful I know however loneliness can be overcome. Thank you for caring enough to reply. It's really appreciated and makes me feel supported. 

[tyme]

@Appleblossom , I believe @Stargirl 's beautifully crafted post was for you 🙂

We hear you @Stargirl . We really do. I hope you continue to reach out so that you find comfort for yourself at this time. You do not have to be alone in this journey.

[Stargirl]

Thank you.

[Appleblossom]

I am glad she has a roof over her head for a while. @Stargirl and you have activities to support you and your husband. It is always complicated, as we have so many things we can second guess, about we did things, or how we should do things.

It is difficult to adjust to reduced circumstances or possibilities for our children.  I have had to do that, as try as hard as I could, I could not prevent the transmission of trauma thru the generations in my family.  Still finding a way to make the most of it... without blame or pressure, but taking responsibility and allowing the other to do so.

Sending warm wishes and holding space for the idea of her finding a positive direction.  Sometimes that may relate to unique quirky things in her childhood, if she can feel worthy to give life another chance ...

[Stargirl]

@Appleblossom thank you. It's definitely complicated and difficult to navigate. I can't remember the last time I experienced so many intense emotions for such a long period of time and I always think to myself if I feel like this imagine what she is feeling. Probably ten fold when she's in one of her 'episodes' (not sure that's the right word). I just have to accept that this is where it's at and this is her journey and to keep a steady keel through it all, be there on the sidelines and never give up on her.

Yes quirky childhood things. That has got me thinking 🤔

Thank you for sharing some of your insights and for holding space with me. 

[Appleblossom]

@Stargirl a steady keel ... is a beautiful way of describing it ... thats what I try. My son just walked thru the door with his groceries.  We do eat together a lot, but he has evolved his way managing himself, which is great. Its a messy world out there. and your daughter will have seen a lot, but sorting out the hierachy of needs is essential.