Daily Check In Space

[Healandlove]

@Former-Member , thank you so much for sharing your story and experience.  I am so sorry that you haven't been told you were loved by others around you. Come to think of it, my parents or sister were not big on this either. I tell my children that I love them dearly.

I do have my own support but due to financial circumstances I have had to pause sessions for a bit. My husband is still having his own sessions and we are still having the couple counselling together. It is not just my husband's outburst that caused the breakdown in extended family. I felt my sister's rejection from a long time ago. I know I shouldn't think these things but I would wish to disappear to know the family's true feelings towards me. I can never do that to my children though. So rest assured I won't. 

Thank you for being here for me and holding my space.

Hugs to you my lovely friend.  I hope lufe gets better for all of us day by day. ❤️‍🩹🫂

[Healandlove]

@RiverSeal , thank you for caring.

I will have these in mind.

I can't take any action due to my kids. I can't do that to them. Everyone else I really don’t care about leaving behind. I have had enough. 

Thank you for being here for me. ❤️‍🩹🫂

[Former-Member]

Hey there @Pem , I’m really sorry this is happening to you and others. 
would you feel comfortable to report the scam to authorities..? 
Please take care and protect yourself 🌺🙂

[Former-Member]

Hey there @Healandlove 🌺💜

No worries - I think sharing can help with the feelings of isolation, knowing you’re not alone 💜🙂

Thank you for your kindness regarding not ever being told I was loved, and I’m really sorry you have also experienced this. 
In contrast, I think it’s wonderful that you are so open with sharing your love for your kids with them by telling them you love them dearly..that’s beautiful 🥰🌺

I’m really sorry that at the moment the support you usually access is unavailable; I wondered if you’d feel comfortable seeing if you can access SANE’s support services in the mean time, to give you an interim opportunity to continue to speak with someone, until you can get back to your usual support? 

It’s great that your hubby has continued sessions as well as the couples counselling for you both, however I can really feel how hard things are for you at this time, so I would like to gently encourage you to consider reaching out if there’s a moment in the week when you think of it, to get that friendly person who can listen 🙂🌺

there may also be other services which can provide support while you are not able to access your usual support, if you’d like to enquire about that, too🙂

Please know you’re not alone, and know that your forum friends are still here, holding space for you, and sitting with you 🙂🌺💜

[RiverSeal]

No problem @Healandlove the community is here to support you! Your children obviously mean a lot to you and are a great protective factor for you to stay safe. Perhaps you could create a Safety Plan and add them to it for when your thoughts may be overwhelming: Create your Beyond Now suicide safety plan online (lifeline.org.au) ❤️

Take care

RiverSeal

[Healandlove]

@RiverSeal , @Former-Member @Shaz51 

Thank you. That plan sounds like a good idea.

TRIGGER Warning: Today has been another hard day. It's so hard to cry and be sad when there are kids around.  I don't let them see me this way. As the night settles in I feel like my harmful thoughts have settled too. 

Is it possible to love your extended family but also feel like you are not part of that family?

Today I shared with my Dad my feelings of estrangement from my sister and how i lived my life trying to get close to her and feel loved and accepted. I described various scenarios where I was rejected by her and his response was so disappointing and hurtful. He dismissed my feelings. He minimised them. I have always put my Dad on a pedestal as a great father. And he has been a good father for the most part but this hearless response really made me question whether he has changed and whether I should trust him. Between feeling disconnected from my parents and sister and supporting my husband with cptsd I truly feel alone and like there is no one that understands or can support me. I told him that I feel I don't belong in this family and that I shouldn't have been born. He was quiet and didn't know what to say. But that is how I truly feel. 

I read an article about what happens after you take your life. It talked about the different people in your life and how they react. The people that love you...my children in my case...my pain would be transferred to them. They would always wonder why they were not enough for me to choose life. I know I can't do it but can I heal myself enough to be a good mum to them?

I truly feel alone. My parents have left the station emotionally and my husband is dealing with his own mental challenges. I need to find the key to be OK with not having anyone in my life to support me. I am on my own. And that is what scares me. 

Today I thought about checking myself into a psych ward....but my kids...I can't. But I feel I need a release...

Thank you for reading and I am sorry if this has caused any triggers to other forum members.  

I have always felt supported by this wonderful community but even now it feels like what I am going through is too much of a burden to share. 

Love and Healing for you all. 

[Shaz51]

Ohhh sending you lots of hugs my friend 🧡 @Healandlove 

Glad you are here and thank you for sharing 

Sitting with you ❤️ 

Sending you lots of understanding hugs 

I am off to bed but I really care about you xxxx 

@Jynx , @tyme,  @Blackbird11 , @RiverSeal 

[Jynx]

@Healandlove oh hun, I am so deeply sorry to hear that you were shut down and dismissed by your father when you expressed your truth to him. I know how truly demoralising that can feel. It makes it that much harder to want to open up again too. 

I hear that things are REALLY hard right now, and that you're feeling quite alone in your struggles. I am especially moved by your point about how pain is transferred after suicide, and how much you want to do right by your children. I can imagine that it might feel like a lot of pressure, to be a good mum, to heal and recover for the sake of their mental health. And sometimes, feeling pressure to make progress actually makes that process that much harder. To my mind, I think that the most important thing is to keep on trying - even if you don't get to the point in your recovery that you would like, your kids will see the effort involved, see your reslience, and that in itself will impart upon them the value of perserverance in the face of difficulty and despair. Even if you're not okay, you can model to them that it's okay to not be okay, and that sometimes things are really, really crappy. But we can still hold each other close and keep trying to take steps forward. 

I promise you, that you are not burdening the forums community by being honest with us. We are here together no matter how tough things get, and you deserve to be able to lean on this community as much as you need to. If there's anything we can do to support you, let us know - and don't hesitate to reach out to the lovely counsellors on the support line too (1800 187 263 Mon-Fri, 10am-10pm). 

Sending some big hugs your way 💜🫂

[Former-Member]

hey there @Healandlove 💜🌺

oh, sweetness, I am so sorry for what you have been through today 😔

Im sending you gentleness, kindness, softness, and a biig hug 🤗💖

I can see the hardship and the conflicting emotions, the need for support, and the difficulty in accessing help, but I can also see the love - incredible love - you have for your kids, and how you are determined to be there to support them, despite feeling isolated emotionally 🌺💜

I just want to say I am glad you have shared, and its a privilege to know your struggles and say some words to kindly and gently let you know that you are such a valuable person, worthy of the care and support you need to feel ok 🙂

Please do keep posting; your story matters, and is important, because you matter, and you are important xx

I hope you can get some rest tonight, and please know you are held with great care in this space 🌺💜

[Healandlove]

@Jynx , thank you so much for your kind words. Yes, it really hurt to hear my father say the things he said. He is now standoffish with me. I guess he might feel hurt or offended about me saying that I didn't think I belonged in this family and that I shouldn't have been born. To put it into context he thinks I could have done more to get closer to my sister as a teenager, that I spent too much time helping out other people instead of getting closer to her. He put all the responsibility and blame on me and gave none to my sister.  When I said that as a child I remember the pain I felt when I tried to hug my sister and she pushed me away, his words were "that was a problem between the two of you, nothing to do with us". When I said I didn't feel that I had a voice at the table because my sister dominated the conversations he said, that was my choice and that is not how him and my mum remember things. So it is a big blow to hear these things from the man I look up to and admire. And now I feel bad for hurting him by saying what I said but I had to say it. I don't think I can ever open up again.  Our relationship has deteriorated and it hurts so much. I still love my father but I am so deeply hurt. I don't know where we stand with each other anymore. I thought we could tell each other everthing. I don't know how to fix this and why should I always be the one fixing everything and feeling bad about things. I thought maybe I should write a letter to him and explain how his words have hurt me. But maybe I shouldn't.  

Thank you for your support 🙏🏻. I will try the support line tomorrow.  I am breaking down each time I write about this or even try to talk about this. I don't know how i get through a phone call. My sadness is so deep that I feel I can't go on. I need help. I need to be OK for my children.

I hope everyone has a good night.❤️‍🩹