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[Healandlove]

@Shaz51 thank you my lovely friend. Today has been hard. I feel heavy in my heart about the estrangement with my sister.  It's almost like the EMDR hasn't worked at all...My husband is distant and detached so these times make me miss more a close relationship with my sister which in truth I never had. I have been talking to my mum and crying this last hour. My mum listens but can't give much comfort.  I guess it is the emotional burden I carry...

I don't understand why I have this need to be loved and protected by my sister. 

Anyway...I will talk to the therapist about this. Perhaps EMDR can't help with these thoughts, feelings. 

How is Mr Shaz coping with retirement? And you? Sending you ❤️ love and 🫂 hugs.

[Shaz51]

Sending you lots of hugs my friend ❤️ @Healandlove 

Sorry you are having a hard day 

Sometimes it feels hard when our husband's are not having a OK day we don't have a good day either 

Is your sister younger or older ? Have you ever thought of why you feel like that at times xx 

Mr shaz loves retirement,  but he has lots of projects that he wants to do and is doing 

While I am the money watcher 

Today we are watching " George Clarke's amazing spaces " 

[Healandlove]

@Shaz51 oh that's good that Mr Shaz is loving retirement! Projects are great but yes budgeting is very important.  What type of projects are they?

My sister is 3 years older. I have grown up feeling rejected by her. She wasn't really interested in me and growing up she would pay attention to me if I could make her laugh etc. She is emotionally detached like my husband. Funny I married someone similar to my sister.

I think I just always wanted a loving sister that would protect me and to who I could go to for support.  I just don’t know how to turn this off. They need to be loved and appreciated by her. 

I wish I could turn it off. 😔.

[Shaz51]

@Healandlove 

The projects are like

a canopy for the Ute 

Travelling 

Renovations 

Ohh noo and then he is taking himself off his meds 

Soo sorry to hear about your sister , is she the first born ?

Sorry , I am an only child , my mum had a couple of miscarriages

But I have some close cousins,  why I am telling this story is because my cousin who is 4 years older than me has resented me all my life , not sure why but I feel that I took her place in our extended family xx

[Healandlove]

@Shaz51 , the projects sound great! Hopefully Mr Shaz can keep it to a budget. Why did he decide to take himself off the meds? How do you feel about this?

Yes my sister is the first born. I think she would rather have been an only child. I have a very vivid memory of being 5 or 6 and trying to hug her and she just pushed me away. She would have been around 9.

That stayed with me since and it's one of the memories my psychologist made me think about during EMDR.

The truth is I am feeling very low and like life is overall sadness and resentment.  If it wasn't for my kids I think I wouldn't be here. They truly keep me alive. These days I just don't think my husband can improve enough to make the effort to emotionally connect at a deeper level. I think overall he can easily live an ok life without love or connection. I guess that's how cptsd is. I shouldn't think this but I feel the only people that would truly suffer if I wasn’t here would be my kids. I can't give them that pain. I feel defeated and like there's really no much point anymore. I guess I am tired.

If I could learn meditation then perhaps that might help me disengage. I think caring too much has hurt me deeply. 

I'm sorry to hear about your cousin.  It's sad when people reject you without a good reason or even a conversation ir trying to sort things out. Do you still keep in touch with her? I stay in touch with my sister but it'd very superficial.  I do feel very lonely.  Thank you for being here and holding space for me and my sadness. 

Hope you have a good sleep 😘

[Shaz51]

morning @Healandlove 

hubby goes off because he feels ok but then after a few days he will go back on them because i would say " arent you taking your meds " and he will say " can you tell 

" am yes I would answer 

Yes I think you and I care too much about our loved ones 

I think It is great that you focus on yourself and the children , this is soo important and you are a wonderful mother 

My Brother in law tells me lots of times " let him be" ( my hubby)

so I am trying to focus on other things but i am finding it a bit harder now with no children around , no business anymore , not working anymore 

my cousin , she is ok , once in a while 

[Healandlove]

Thank you for your kind words @Shaz51 , lovely friend. Truly my kids keep me hanging on. Not even my parents as much as I love them I feel they would be OK eventually if I wasn’t here because they have lived a life and they have another daughter and grandkids and they have the support of each other. Plus they are in their 70s so I guess they don't have a lifetime to live without me but my children is all I think about when I have moments of just having enough of caring and loving and not getting this back.

I don't think it's normal to have so much empathy and caring for others. And shouldn't this give you lots of love back? In my case the people that truly need me in their life now are my kids. That should be enough but I really need the support of a grown up and I don't have that. I can't rely on my husband which is the one person I should be able to rely on. This forum has helped me hang on. And lovely people Iike you caring. At times I can't even talk without breaking down. I thought the EMDR was working but I've had 2 sessions and i still feel too much. 

The advice of your brother in law is good but it is not easy to do for people like us.

If I could change who I am I truly would.

Just a low low today. 

I'm glad your cousin is OK in small doses.

And your husband cares about you noticing him.not taking his meds so that is good sel awareness. 

Hugs to you @Shaz51 . I continue to hang on. Wether you are religious or not (I'm not really but feel a little confort believing there's something bigger and better than us somewhere) ...so may God bless you and give you strength. I really wish that for you my friend ❤️ 🫂

[Shaz51]

hello and hugs @Healandlove ❤️

hubby not good today , so trying to keep myself busy until it passes 

I do believe in God 

 may God bless you and give you strength. I really wish that for you my friend too xxx

 🫂

[Healandlove]

@Shaz51 , I am glad we have each other to hug 🫂.  I really hope our husband's can find peace one day and in turn gives us that peace too. 

Lots of love ❤️ dear friend.