Even for just a day, I want everything to stop. I am so worn out and feel 'stuck' atm, and questioning whether I can mentally cope being my mum's carer. And it scares me to think that maybe I can't, maybe it is all too much for me. But what does that mean for mum?
For about 2 months mum has been in and out of hospital - she is currently in a mental health facility - this is the longest she has been away from home. I feel horrible saying it, but I have enjoyed being on my own and not having to worry about her. I worry about when she comes back home. She has both mental and physical illness.
I try to see her everyday, or at least every second day. Some days are good and other days are so draining - I walk out of there and just sit in my car and cry. I miss my old mum, and am struggling accepting what is happenning to her. When she is having a good day there is light at the end of the tunnel however, when she goes backwards I go downhill - she isn't the mum I remember. I am so trying to keep it together. I battle depression and anxiety myself, and also have rheumatoid arthritis.
We have always worked so well as a team but of late I have been concerned - she has become demanding and doesn't want to listen to what I have to say. It's her way or the highway. She said that when she comes home things will be different and if I don't like it I don't have to stay here and be her carer. Deep down, I don't think she means it though. Things have just turned upside down for me (and my mum of course) in the past 2 months.
I have a sister who plays no part in caring for my mum. She is a big trigger for my mum - mum wants nothing to do with her as she has hurt my mum many times over the years. I have limited my interactions with her to solely texting as I was getting too upset when talking to her on the phone. Cutting back on contact has helped, but I do resent her greatly - when she needed help (be it financial, emotional, physical) we were there for her. She knows I'm struggling but when it comes to my sister, it is all about her.
I am also trying to be there for my best friend - her husband recently threw her out. She is living with her parents fortunately, but he has the 3 kids. She also has disassociative identity disorder and is really struggling. I am blessed to have her in my life - our friendship is recipricol and we have been each other's shoulder to cry on.
I don't know what to do, but I don't know if I can continue being a carer, continue putting my life on hold. What about my life?
I just want things to stop. It's getting too much and I don't want to continue doing this. I am just so drained.
If you took the time to read this, thank you. I just needed to get it out of my head.
