Lived Experience Forum

[ScotchFingers]

Hi all, I'm ScotchFingers, Choose this name because well I couldn't think of anything else, and I'm munching on one while joining the site.

I've just joined and am happy to be here.

I'm going through a really difficult time at the moment, I've suffered from PTSD all my life. I FINALLY feel like I'm moving forward in a positive way, though the back of my mind is waiting for something to knock me back down again. YEAP  it did and it knocked me real hard. My daughter has told me how much I have F..d her life up because of my mental health, and how I raised her with things I have done. She is now a mum herself, I am a first-time grandma with an 8-week-old grandson.  She didn't want me at the hospital which was so important for me or felt like this was my role to be there for her. I felt like she completely pushed me away even before she had baby she didn't involve or include me into anything like baby shopping.

My daughter and I just had a huge argument on the phone and I now feel I have lost her and my grandson altogether.

There is so much more to this, though too long to type out and not sure if it's right for me to do so.

I feel at my lowest, she is all I had, I have no family here, no friends because of my mental illness and I feel really lost now with my purpose and direction. 

It is so hard trying to stay above water while living with mental illness, too often the waves feel like a tsunami, they hit you real hard and drag you under for long time and it's a struggle to rise above and breath. We get there and we always get there, we survive them all, though how much more can I take when it's using all my strength and will.

Thanks for reading

[hanami]

Hi there @ScotchFingers 

Welcome to the forums! It's wonderful that you found us and I hope you can make some wonderful connections here with like-minded people. I love the name by the way. They used to be one of my favourite biscuits along with lemon crisps.

Gosh I'm so sorry to hear about the fallout with your daughter, that's so tough. It must be overwhelming as you experience the joy of a new grandson but not knowing about how the situation with your daughter will pan out. Hopefully, with some time, she will come around. 

This here might be a good place for you to visit to say hi to people on the forums. I'll also include this link about PTSD which may be helpful. 

Keep reaching out and again, it's lovely to see you here!

Hanami 💮

[FloatingFeather]

Hi @ScotchFingers,

Firstly I would like to warmly welcome you to the forums. I'm really glad you found us. 

I'm really sorry to read what you are going through and have been through. Sounds like you are a real battler coping with PTSD your whole life. What a shame you felt like you were finally moving in a positive direction and now you feel knocked down again.

That must be painful hearing your daughter's words and feeling pushed away. I really do feel for you. It must be particularly hard as your daughter has recently given birth and this is your first grandchild.

I've had a few fights with my mum over the years (I also have children) and some of them were pretty full on but we eventually always sorted things out. Maybe your daughter just needs a bit of space - being a first time mum as I'm sure you know can be a pretty full on experience so she may be feeling a lot of emotions regarding a lot of things at the moment. 

Perhaps you could just reach out via message to see how her and the baby are going e.g. small steps to re-engage? 

I agree with you about how the feelings of mental health can be similar to being knocked over by a tsunami sometimes - a close family member of mine has suffered from bipolar for many years and watching him try to navigate life through his struggles has been both sad and inspirational. I say inspirational because watching him push through situations that sometimes he couldn't really cope with at the time showed such strength. I really do applaud you for your strength and courage through your battle too.

I really do wish you all the best and hope you and your daughter reengage in a positive way soon. 

Best wishes, 

FloatingFeather

[AussieRecharger]

Hi @ScotchFingers 

You have made me want a cup of tea and a bickie!. 

I don't know anyone in my life that has not made mistakes or does not have regrets in parenting.  Your daughter is going to have a first-hand look at parenting and how hard it can be.  If you are supportive without judgement, she will begin to understand how hard some decisions can be to make when you are thinking clearly and hopefully will begin to appreciate how hard it is to make decisions when you are not in the best place and you have a scatterbrain.  

Continue to work on yourself during this period. Your life still goes on and we are here if you need to vent.  

[Oaktree]

Hi @ScotchFingers 

I have suffered from bipolar since before I had kids. My daughter is 21 and also is upset about the past due to my mental illness. I know it has impacted her life but it’s not something that I had control over. I bet you did the best you could under difficult circumstances. Be proud of raising a strong and independent child. I hope that you get to see your grandchild soon.

Meggle