The absolute horror that my life currently is.

[Anastasia]

🙏 @Powderfinger 

[Powderfinger]

I actually feel like throwing up tonight. I'm not sure why? I could be OK, then a wave if exhaustion could hit and I'm off to sleep. I feel nervous, anxious, tired, worn out and pretty much over it all. 

[Peri]

Hello @Powderfinger ,

I am not surprised that you feel ill you have beeen dealing with so much emotional turmoil and trying to sort out the practicalities of your living situation as well.  That is quite enough to bring on exhaustion and nausea.

whist you still have a lot to get through, tomorrow will be the beginning of changes and moving towards a new and different future.

peri

[Powderfinger]

@Peri 

Hi. I do think it is understandable. What really concerns me is my inability to really express myself/talk. Talk about the really really deep stuff. Perhaps it seems like I do that here, I don't really know. What other people perceive and the fact that I have pretty much lived with myself for 41 years may be entirely different. It really does scare me how much I have shut down from speaking a lot and expressing myself. 

For a writer such as myself, that is really quite a scary aspect of me that was not there before this. Lots of things about me now are really scary. Im meant to be packing to leave tomorrow morning and I have gotten nowhere really. Things feel so surreal. I have tried doing some plans and I have not been able to do that. So, I figured that I wont make any at all and just take each day as it comes and hopefully figure out just how to get through everyday. Trying anything else or being any other way is pretty much useless since I have tried already and it doesnt work for me right now. 

Thank you for your message. Its nice. 

Powderfinger. 

[Powderfinger]

I'm leaving in around two hours. I've realised last night I'm no longer in love with her. My feelings zinhsd have gone and they won't come back. There is nothing she could ever do or say that could make me think twice about getting back together.

The damage and the abuse is overwhelming to the point that no mattervwhstvdhevdud and said I could never fully be able to trust her again. 

I'm sickened by the disgusting way I've been treated and with the different forms of abuse throughout the year we were together and since the 2nd December last year up until now. It truly is disgusting and I feel immensely angry. 

I do not want to hear from her at all, I do not want to speak to her at all, I have nothing to say to her. My voice was constantly ignored, I was ignored like I did not exist and I'm not buying into the games, the power and the control any longer. 

Me walking out the door today is a statement from me. She does not know I'm leaving for two day and doesn't need to know. What I do is none of her business. She has had plenty of opportunity to talk to me. She hasn't at all so quite frankly if she'd like to talk to me, the facts are she will be ignored and I will not be engaging. 

It's my life now by myself. I need a lot if time to heal and sort my life out. There is do much that us a mess. Yes, there are nice memories of the relationship I was in BUT there are also the memories of horrific abuse towards me. 

She has made it clear in her game playing that her life is dandy and she us getting to do what she wants. Disgusting again. Another way of indirectly showing me do much disrespect for what we did have and an ever present reminder of how far the abuse went. 

What I think is going to happen. She us going to fall flat on her face. I'm not intending that for her sndvzi mean no malice. It's just that I know her. She is going to fall flat on her face. I'm.glsd I am not going to be there for it. She has done thus to herself, nobody else. 

I'm.ready to move on from her. There will be no staying in touch, no communication, no nothing. Sadly she has put me in thus position of having to deal with it this way. 

I'm gong to focus on being at my friend's house for two days as best as I am able. When Saturday comes, I will deal with Saturday. 

I Inow it sounds here like I am strong. I am. However I'm also really broken inside of myself and so very angry with the abuse and everything I've been through. I need a lot of time to do my best to heal. On my terms and at my pace. There is much to sort through. At the very least today is the last day I am subjected to being ignored, played games with and being treated like I don't even exist. 

I'm going to get ready to leave. 

[Powderfinger]

I may leave random posts now and then but I'm fine with that. This is an online diary of sorts to me where I can actually express myself safely. 

I remembered a conversation with my support worker yesterday. I was telling her that I had wanted to do relationship counselling with the ex. She refused. Her words" What's the point, this relationship is not salvageable, you will just blame me for everything anyway". I remember it clear as day and how I felt. I was crying inside of myself. I wanted to say that relationship counselling wasn't about blame, relationship counselling was about two people who love each other sitting down to talk about things, find a way through them and improving the existing relationship. That us what I wanted to say that I did not say and never have. It would not have been heard anyway. 

My support worker said something interesting that I remembered this morning. When I told her that she said, "That really was a cop out for her not wanting to take responsibility". I thought about that this morning and yes I feel that what she said is true. 

Of course this revelation extends towards so many things throughout the relationship now. It makes sense. 

Just wanted to share that. 

[Anastasia]

Reaching through the screen and giving you lots and lots of hugs. I hope that during the black time that is the next two days with your friend allows you to enjoy his company. Always have you in my thoughts, take care @Powderfinger 🤗🙏💞

[Powderfinger]

@Anastasia 

Thank you for reaching through the screen with lots and lots of hugs. I left the house almost two hours ago now. I left when she left the house. She slammed the door as she left. Usually that means she is angry about something. Naturally I instantly think it's because of me. 

I was ready to go so I called my friend to pick me up. I actually walked down the road and had him pick me up from there because I didn't know how long she was going to be. It struck me how I was feeling and what I was doing. I didn't and still don't understand any of those things. 

Sadness has hit me for the moment. I'm sitting at my friend's doing nothing, too sad to move and trying to process my feelings and thoughts. I want to cry but I want to cry by myself and not talk about why I'm crying. I'm trying to work through the mess in my head. I'm trying not to worry about her. I'm trying to just worry about myself. 

It took me ages to pluck up courage to leave this morning. All sorts of thoughts and feelings happening. Trying to make sense of things that are not making any sense right now. I blocked her number as soon as I left the house. I felt sad doing it. I know it is highly unlikely she would text or call with anything nice to say. I actually don't know what could have happened if I didn't block her number. When someone has done so many different things you just can't peg it anymore. 

I wish her happiness, I hope she is successful in all her pursuits and that she lives the life of her own dreams. 

I'm trying to think about who I can talk to about how I'm feeling. I mean yes I have my friend but I mean someone that can give me advice and ways to manage what I'm currently going through. 

Leaving was right. Leaving was also hard, painful and scary. 

Love you @Anastasia xxx you're never far from my mind either. No matter what I have going on. 

[Anastasia]

Sitting with you @Powderfinger xxx

[Former-Member]

me too @Powderfinger