Struggling to Survive

[Former-Member]

@Phoenix_Rising, problems with the 'mind' are all consuming. They rave about work 'capacity' but depression affects all 4 limbs, muscles, perception, responses, thinking. Some worse than others. Its self defeating (the more we lay around the more we have to lay around and the worse we feel). But we are not just  defined by our 'capacity' to at taxes. 

Winter is hard for me, this last few days - i need to go up the shop but froze in the doorway looking down the steps, no emotion, and just backed up like I never planned to go. Same yesterday. Weird.

When my youngest left home, 2yrs after a major depressive episode finished off a 30yr career, like you I lost my identity. my purpose. What now? What do i do? Who am I? What do I want?... Still struggle with this but there's something to be said about "just keep swimming" (its so hard to scratch back lost ground later. Figure its easier to steer a rolling ball so I just keep trying different things on top of basic necessity, (i bore easy), hobbies, short sources, volunteer work, common interest groups, self help groups. I drop out often, after a while, and beat myself up (though learning this is pointless), then get bored with laying around and get up again, and try something different. Just keep trying.

 Everyone in my real world seems to expect more of me than I can deliver 😞 so learning to like myself more, unconditionally (not easy with an external locus of control) but Self-Compassion is helping with this, when I remember. 

Not sure what I'm trying to say Phoenix & Zoe, but maybe just that - you're not alone and there's gotta be something we can do now, even with our broken wings 🏄

Here's to the power to keep on trying 💜💕

[Zoe7]

That's kind of where I am really stuck @Former-Member - I have even lost interest/motivation/energy in trying. Even the simple things like keeping the house tidy I sit and think 'why bother'. 

[Zoe7]

This constant cycle of being unwell, added meds, feeling sicker while adjusting to them, not being able to sleep, negative thoughts, flashbacks, nightmares and physical pain is all leading to one place - and I don't know how to stop it. The more tired I become - the more likely I am to give up completely. I am struggling to get through each day- it is so hard to physically do anything and mentally I am seriously suffering. Each minute of each hour I am trying so hard to 'shut down' my mind so I don't 'think'. I try to avoid any possible triggers but they seem to be everywhere! How can I go from seeming to be ok one minute to completely anxious and distressed the next minute. This is so cruel - and so very, very difficult to 'live' with. I really do wish it would stop but I fear the only way this will happen is if I no longer exist - how do you keep trying to 'live' when this is your reality? At present I do not have anything to live for, no reason to continue to try to get through each day - so I merely 'exist' because I do!

[Sans911]

@Zoe7 oh how my heart aches for your suffering which is indeed cruel and punishing. No one should have to bear this, and from what little I know of you, you are one of the bravest, sweetest person around. 💕 💕 it probably sounds so bloody hollow, but know that this too shall pass. When that will be is out of our control, but know too that are much loved by so many who sit here beside you, minute by minute, hour by hour, day by day. We will be the strength when you have none, the courage to breathe one more breath, and the will when there is no more left.

[Former-Member]

Big Hug @Zoe7, 💜💜💜💕

[Zoe7]

@Sans911 @Former-Member Another really tough night! I actually made it to bed eventually but that was a mistake - so back on the couch and trying to sleep when I can today. I wanted to go out of the house today but that won't happen now - feeling too unwell and definitely shouldn't drive! I didn't know what day it was again this morning - each day still seems to be running into the next. My sense of reality is definitely distorted. I am having longer periods where I don't know what is real and what is not - the flashbacks and nightmares are not helping!!!!! Neither is feeling so unwelll constantly! I am so very lost and alone in this world at the moment and nothing seems to be helping. One more day to get through - that is all I can do!

[Pepsimax]

Thinking of you @Zoe7 just one step at a time😍💕💙

[Zoe7]

It is that time of night again when the whole world seems to close in on me and all I can see is darkness. I am still physically very unwell and that is definitely feeding into my mental state. As if all the usual negative thoughts and feelings aren't enough now I am trying to deal with flashbacks that seem to be several things intertwined. It is completely distorting my sense of reality again and my mind is so foggy I can't make any sense of it all - I don't even have the energy to try. The nightmares last night were horrible - but that is nothing new! What is new is how 'present' they have been during the day - I haven't been able to shake them off and now it is dark again! Distractions worked for a short time but now I don't have the energy to even try. I am nauseous, aching, in pain and my head feels like it is full of water. I am done crying - there is nothing left. I am done trying to beat this - it is too hard. I am done being awake - I just want to sleep (peacefully). I am done being in so much pain - I don't deserve it. There is nothing left for me to do - I have done everything asked of me and still I am in this horrible dark and painful place. I just need sleep and to stop thinking and to feel better - but that is unlikely to happen - so what is the alternative? I know what that is and am so much closer to making it a reality because I cannot do this much longer! 

[Pepsimax]

You need to keep going @Zoe7 if not for yourself for all of us I would miss you terribly and you know I don't do grief well please stay with us

[Former-Member]

Hi @Zoe7, I hear you, it sounds so very hard. You said:
- the whole world closing in
- darkness closing
- still physically unwell (nauseous, aches & pain, head full of water...
- sickness compounding MI
- flashbacks intertwining
- distorted sense of reality
- foggy mind
- confused
- no energy to try.
- nightmares (play on your mind all day)
- dry tears

Thinking (telling self)
- there's nothing left
- done trying
- too hard
- want to sleep (peacefully).
- done being in pain
- nothing left for me
- tried everything
- unlikely to ever feel better
- cannot do this much longer!
- looking for way out
- suicidal thoughts

Need to:
- stop the thoughts
- feel better

If I was thinking those thoughts I would want it all to end too. Distraction is the key, even if its little projects, things to do. I bore easy so have to have several things on the go to bounce off. Being creative is good in the sense that its good to see finished creations "I did that" is good for self esteem. Do you have any fav 'feel good' movies. Sometimes I watch the same ones over and over, for company mainly, as I do other things. Works for me. .

Night is your hardest time, I hear that, so self care your feathered nest and nestle in for the night, bunker down like birds fo - the sun will come - it always passes. But i don't want to negate your suffering Zoe7 (for I've been there and know its very real), just reminding you of alternatives. Hang in there, your best days are ahead of you. 🌷🌿