Struggling to Survive

[Former-Member]

Please be safe @Zoe7 please :(-

[Faith-and-Hope]

Yes @Zoe7 .... please keep safe .... 😔💚💐🦋💕

[Former-Member]

Hello @Zoe7

Just read your post, I think it is extremely brave for you to share all of that, you are not only experiencing a deeply distressing week but also trying to cope with your health issues, common sense is telling me that you need to do anything you can to get your health on track at this point so you have the energy to tackle the mental stuff, please try to eat, to drink water, to rest. Your body and brain needs the energy to be able to cope with all of the other things

You write in such a beautiful way and getting those words out does help even though you feel guilt and worry putting them out there, it's okay to share those thoughts with us, you are not alone in this. Please just take it slow today, reach out to anyone you even have the slightest feeling that they are there for you or have been there for you in the past, when does your GP get back?

Lunar x

[Adek]

Thanks for sharing your story sis @Zoe7. Though our stories may clique to one another but i can leave most of them at rest now...after 6 years of monthly psychotherapy CBT sessions which is still on going, and before that electroconvulsive therapy sessions to wipe off blocks of those abusive experiences from my memory bank. Am almost at equilibrium now..understanding and being alert on how my body responds to an abused mental state by creating mentally menifested illness starting from slipped disc, fractures, postnatal depression, bipolar, hypothyroidism, SLE, fibromyalgia and piriformis syndrome. Quit my job as teacher to be exact 8 years now, staying alone and apart from family..but i have been in good terms with everybody now compared to last time...and able to reach out whenever need be.
Godwilled..i have learnt..with the help of my therapist and religious scholars... not to look at myself as being abused..but rather..to accept what happened as preplanned for my lifeline to offer me a chance and a choice to be a better and stronger person compared to others. With that so many downs in life but managing to keep coming back to the surface..thats what makes us survivors..fighters..and successful. Some of my school friends used to say...if they were in my shoes they might not have survived this far. I believe..there are many in these forums are alike..maybe worst..but have come to terms with those experiences. And i hope you will too.
Here is a link..maybe it could be useful..
http://m.wikihow.com/Love-Yourself-After-a-Long-Battle-in-an-Abusive-Relationship

[Maggie]

[Zoe7]

What value a life? Do we afford the same value to each life or are there times when one is more important, more deserving, more recognised than another? I have always felt each and every life deserves the same respect and acknowledgement as another - now I am seriously questioning what I have always believed! I cannot afford those 'people' who hurt me so badly the same respect as I would others. How can I - that would be like saying that what they did was wrong but they made a mistake - it is not a mistake when the behaviour, the abuse, the torment, the pain is repeated over and over and over...

...and what about my life - the 'life' I have lead and the 'life' I have not. Is it really a life worth living when you wonder every day when the next heartbreak will come, when your trust will be broken, when the darkness descends so quickly that you can no longer breathe? In the grand scheme of things - I am but a miniscule part of the tapestry of this world - nothing significant, nothing worth a second glance. As time passes so would the memory of me - because I am nothing special.

[Faith-and-Hope]

About to walk into an apt @Zoe7 .....

Back afterwards.

Love and hugs .....

💚💕🌷

[Zoe7]

I have somehow managed to get through this week - with a couple of really close calls! Now I have to deal with the weekend  I am still alive but it is so very hard to stop the thoughts of not wanting to be. This same time many years ago I sat in the corner of my room absolutely petrified that HE would come back. I had no idea where he had gone, what he was doing and when he would return. I did not sleep for days from fear of him returning and finishing what he had started! I did not leave that room - I was so frozen with fear that I couldn't. I was in so much pain that even moving a little was excruciating. 

I found out he had moved to another state and for a short time I was so relieved. But for many, many years I believed he would return - wherever I was and whatever I was doing - he would find me. 

Then the unthinkable happened - I went on a holiday for my birthday and on the night I was out trying to celebrate with a few other people - there he was. You couldn't make this up. I saw him across the room and froze with fear again. He did not see me and as soon as I could move I quickly left. I do not 'celebrate' my birthday anymore - too much heartache at the thought - too much pain to know HE 'got on with his life' while mine was destroyed.

Every single day I wish that he had not stopped and I that I was no longer here. Every single day I wonder why he did stop. And every single day I ask why he left as he did but never returned. I don't have any answers to any of these questions but I do have the pain that remains - and I can never see this getting any better.

HE ruined my life but I blame myself for letting him - how does one live with that???

[Faith-and-Hope]

@Zoe7 ....., 💚💐🦋💕

Have you heard this one ?

There was a philosophy professor who was giving a lecture. In front of him he had a big glass jar. He started off by filling up the jar with the big rocks and when they reached the rim of the jar he held it up to the students and asked them if the jar was full. They all agreed, there was no more room to put the rocks in, it was full.

Is it full?

He then picked up a tub of small pebbles and poured these in jar so that they filled the space around the big rocks. “Is the jar full now?” he asked. The group of students all looked at each other and agreed that the jar was now completely full.

Is it really full?

The professor then picked up another container, this time it had sand in it. He poured the sand in between the pebbles and the rocks and once again he held up the jar to his class and asked if it was full. Once again the students agreed that the jar was full.

“Are you sure it’s full?” he asked. He finally picked up a bottle of water and tipped the water into the jar until it filled up all the remaining space. The students laughed.

@Zoe7 ...... these rocks are taking up space in your jar ...... but let us be your Pebbles, sand and water ....... there is room in your jar for love, for laughter, for life ...... even when it doesn't feel like there can be ......

I hope and pray that when love fills up all the spaces in between ...... it will outweigh the rocks ..... that new, specia, positive experiences will slowly, slowly, even like grains of sand, feed into your life and outweigh what came before ...... healing ...... transforming ...... love ......

Hugs sand hugs sand hugs sand hugs .......

[Faith-and-Hope]

Some love for you @Zoe7 ..... 💚💜💕💚💜💕💚💐💋🦋