I thought it would be over by now.

[starpanda]

tw: mention of abuse

When I initially began typing this, I realized halfway through that I was just... dumping. practically word vomiting on the page. the exact structure of the event, my thoughts at the time, and retrospectively. 

In short, I am in pain. I am still in pain. and I expected it to be over by now. I know that you can't put a time limit on healing. But I'm 'better' than that, I've been through worse. 

I keep going through periods of calm, and contentedness, finally feeling like I'm on an upward trend to being back where i was, before.

then I drop, as I have tonight. feelings of distress, guilt, sickness, fear. 

I've been put on medication to help with nightmares related to the event (will take two weeks to kick in, as per usual), but I just have a fear of sleeping now, justifying staying up with 'if I am awake, I can somewhat control my thoughts, he can hurt me like he can in my dreams'.

I don't know why I'm posting here, I guess just to put my brain on paper somewhere.

thank you for your time.

[Flotsam]

@starpanda 

I get it, I am sorry this is happening for you. 

Healing; it takes the time it takes. 

I have had multiple discussions with my psychologist along these lines, healing is never a straight path up, it’s up and down but the overall direction is up. Be kind to yourself, accept where you are that day and find self care that nurtures you.

I found ACT to be helpful in this way. (Acceptance Commitment Therapy). I have been learning to name the feeling, accept it, feel it, then breathe space around it and allow it to be. I hope today is a better day for you.

[hanami]

Hi @starpanda 

It's definitely okay to just get your words out and dump. It can be quite therapeutic. 

I'm so sorry you went through what you did and now are recovering from it.

It can take time and the scars could very well remain.

It's awful that people can do these things to us but helps to be validated by others.

Feel free to check in any time.

Hanami

[balance37]

I also find "word dumping" quite therapeutic as well, especially when I know it will receive some responses from others who care about what I'm going through.
I'm wondering also if you are currently seeing a psychologist or counsellor around these distressing dreams, or have a space you feel you can talk them through while someone may help you stay grounded if needed? Are there any grounding techniques you find helpful when you are alone and feel this way? It's especially tough when it occurs before bed. Wondering if some sort of pre-sleep routine could help? Meditation music? Focussing on the breath?

[Zoe7]

Hey @starpanda One of the predictable things about trauma is it is unpredictable. How we react, our thoughts, our 'healing' is not something we can plan or give a timeline to. We have good and not so good days. Some days are just those to get through and others are ones we can move on a little. 

I was in a similar position a few years back - all I wanted to do was sleep but I also feared sleep for the nightmares. I also had fears of not waking up even though I hoped day in, day out that I would never wake up. It took a long time and a lot of help to get through all that and also get to a stage I could move on. Learning not to be so hard on myself and work through things at my own pace helped. 

Some of the hardest times were those when I woke suddenly from those nightmares so I eventually had things in place that would ground me and help me be able to get through those times. Some nights it was nearly impossible but over time, those things began to help and the nightmares decreased.

For me, trauma therapy was just re-traumatising, so my team made the decision to stop that therapy - which was infact a turning point for me. ...and it was not just stopping that therapy that helped but knowing I had people by my side that were looking out for me. Do you have supports in place that can help you through this?

[starpanda]

linked in with psych support, so all good on that end 🙂

trying my best to set up a pre-sleep routine to help calm my brain, always found grounding to be positive.

thanks for talking the time for such a detailed response, hope you are well.

[Zoe7]

You are doing some great things to help yourself @starpanda A good sleep routine can make a massive difference. It does take time though so keep persisting.

[Oaktree]

@starpanda 

Sorry to hear that you have been impacted by trauma. Be kind and patient with yourself, you will not recover from this overnight but you can take baby steps every day. Get support  from your mental health team and do any homework they give you, even when it’s difficult. You can get through this. 

Good luck to you,

Meggle