I can’t cope

[Captain24]

I can’t do this @Jynx. I can’t face anymore. I’m alone and isolated which is my own stupid fault. But I don’t want to see anyone anyway. 

It’s all just too much. 

Yeah.. financially I’m starting to struggle with all the appointments and the costs of my meds. Most of them aren’t on the PBS. It’s my own fault though. 

This darkness has swallowed me up and I only see one way out of it. I’ve given up. I’m too tired to fight. I’m too tired to push through. I’m just to tired to keep going. 

At least you have an understanding of yourself. Sorry you have had a shit time with doctors. I had one doctor tell me I was crazy and another that didn’t take me seriously. But other than that I have been reasonably lucky. 

Im an angry crier! 

At least you don’t have to deal with me for very long tonight. You get some peace. I’m scared to be on my own though. 

[Jynx]

@Captain24 oh my goodness I was reading your last little paragraph and nearly panicked, I thought you were saying goodbyes!! I am hearing that you're worried about getting to that point tonight tho? 

Hmmm... Would you feel alright if rav3n came to sit with you? It's okay to say no, she'll understand 😊 But having some company and connection might be just the ticket!! 

Ugh wow, those are some CRAPTACULAR doc experiences! Ugh it's so awful hey, that a field so VITAL to human health and happiness is so chock full of stigma. 

Oh me too haha my crying is usually also accompanied by yelling, throwing, door slamming... fun times (not) 😅

[Captain24]

I’m a little scared @Jynx.

Hmm maybe 

[rav3n]

hey there @Captain24, just popping in to see if you'd like some company tonight? i would love to sit with ya if that's okay with you? totally okay if don't, i wanna make sure you feel comfy in your space here 😊

[Captain24]

Hey @rav3n 

[rav3n]

hey @Captain24 was just reading some of your posts to catch up on what's been happening. those are some heavy thoughts to have, i'm so sorry you feel that way. did you wanna chat more about that or did you wanna have a distraction chat?

let me know what you'd prefer, sitting with you 💙

[Captain24]

I’m scared @rav3n. It’s really dark and really hard. I don’t know what to do and I don’t know if I’m strong enough. I’m to tired. 

How are you going?

[rav3n]

awhh Cap i'm sitting with you @Captain24 those dark thoughts sound exhausting to carry around, i wish i carry it away from you.
you're sooo much stronger than you think, and every day you show up, you're proving how brave you are. i get that it might be hard to believe today, so i'll happily remind you of that. are there any soothing/calming activities that you feel comfy doing? even if it's sitting with your dogs, or curling up in bed (this one's my personal fav). oh and are you still practicing some stuff with resin or giving that a break?

i'm going alright. the last week was quite exhausting for me too, but it's starting to calm down a bit. been in the process of buying a car/getting loan, all that 'lovely' financial stuff. wishing money just fell onto my lap lol. how about you, did you have much on this week?

[Captain24]

I’m not very strong @rav3n. I don’t have anything left. If you could see me right now you would understand. 

I’ve been sitting on the lounge with the dogs. One has gone off on her own so I still have the little black shit on my lap. 

I haven’t done any resin lately. I got a whole heap while I was on holidays. It’s a two to three day process for the ones I got and I haven’t found the motivation. But in saying that I haven’t done anything. No mosaic, no wooden thing and no lego. I don’t even have my diamond art set up. I have no interest or find any enjoyment with anything. 

What kinda car? 

I got home from work at 8 am Monday morning and all I have done since then is have a psych appointment. I cried all the way through it. I’ve never done that before. I do wish it was face to face and not Telehealth though. She would have given me a hug. 

[rav3n]

sometimes strength looks different to what you typically think @Captain24 some have a smile on their face, others a frown - and their expression, body language, physical state doesn't change the fact that they're strong - strength is something in the inside.

oh gosh, that's happened with my bunny before too 😅 they get all comfy and leave a treat for us to clean up, hey!

it's hard to hold motivation sometimes, and if it's not been there recently - that's okay too. it will come back with time, so don't be too hard on yourself. and maybe you might find something new instead?

i'm probably going to get a toyota corolla hybrid. haven't owned a hybrid before so it'll be interesting to see the difference! do you know much about hybrid cars?

wish she could've given you that hug too. are all your sessions always thru telehealth? sounded like that cry was much needed, did you feel a lil better after releasing it all?