Friends, Family & Carers Forum

[CalmOne]

Hi,

I have been in my relationship for 8 years and we have two children together 6 & 3. He was diagnosed with schizophrenia 1.5 years ago but his symptoms started 10 years ago. I’ve known about his psychosis and delusions since the beginning of our relationship, it simply took that long to get him treated. In 1.5 years he’s had two hospital admissions and also spent two weeks at a rehabilitation clinic. 

I am the sole adult in our house. I do all the parenting (and parent him), all the running of the household, I provide 100% of the motivation in the house to get anything done/achieved, I plan ahead, I make sure that our family functions. 

I am a single parent, even though there are two of us, and I am alone even though I am in a relationship. My partner is unable to meet my emotional needs or give affection or be an equal partner. This is not the environment that I planned to raise my kids in.

I am at the point where I need to choose; do I fight for my relationship and to keep my family together for the sake of compassion for his severe illness? I would be doing this knowing that my kids will see me unhappy and unfulfilled and experience a very uneven partnership between their parents. Or do I leave knowing that he cannot be a co-parent with me and this will mean that my kids go from living with their dad to probably only seeing him every couple of weeks? I would have a chance of a fulfilling life but I would be demonstrating to them that being a carer for their father is too much. 

I understand logically that he doesn’t mean to be thoughtless, uncommunicative and selfish. I know that he does have love for me but cannot express or access the feeling/s. Although I might know this to be true, it FEELS like I’m in a neglectful relationship. Whether he has control of it or not, the end result is the same for me. 

Thanks for reading. 

[Blackbird11]

Hi @CalmOne 

You are doing so much and it sounds really tough for you. Here is our resource for families, caregivers and friends...Families, friends & carers (sane.org). There is information in there for support for you. Be kind to yourself and fill your cup first, so you can then fill others with your overflow. You are important too!

[Member]

Hi @CalmOne.

Your post really resonates with me. I have no advice though. It sounds like our lives have many similarities, in fact I could've written everything you did down to having two kids, though mine are 8 and 5. This sort of relationship is beyond exhausting and beyond what people can understand if they haven't been in that situation. I can see you've been directed to some fact sheets but if you're like me, you've probably read things and honestly fact sheets do not help our lives. Who knows what will. Fact sheets also require energy, energy to read and think about plus that is energy taken away from other things in life. 

I really don't have any answers or suggestions for you unfortunately but just wanted to reach out and say I get it. I completely understand everything you have written and it sucks. It's crap...  The whole thing. The feeling neglected, the seeing your partner not being the person you thought they were, the questioning of everything and mainly the questioning of are you doing the right thing by your kids, the neglecting yourself and what you expected of your life, the whole constant confusion and despair of life. 

 I can't reply and leave it on a downer though... So I guess all I can come up with is to get through what you need to, whatever that happens to be. You're obviously a strong person because you've been doing this all this time. Continue to focus on this strength and building it up so that you can continue to make the right decisions for you and your kids. Remember that leaving your husband doesn't mean you don't live him, it doesn't mean you can offer him support. If that's the way you go, it just means you are making you the priority and need to change your life.