Life and trauma

[Former-Member]

@MJG017 i just can't allow myself to be hurt again, so i won't even attempt to have friendships. 

Here is all i have and all I will have for however long I choose to stay on this earth for. 

You know that liking myself just isn't going to happen, I've hated myself for as long as I can remember. Guess I can't expect anyone to like me when i don't like myself. 

[Jynx]

Couldn't have said it better @MJG017 💜

@Former-Member Compromise and understanding! Yes!! I've had friends who, it took me far too long to realise, didn't actually see me. They saw what they wanted me to be to them. So like, I was this person's 'best friend'. Pretty standard thing to call someone you're close to! We're not friends anymore and now that I've had some distance from the relationship I can see how she used to get mad at me whenever I wouldn't perform my 'role'. E.g I couldn't go to her graduation cos I was having a full on panic attack about being stuck in an auditorium for hours with nothing to keep my brain from imploding. She made this into the BIGGEST FIGHT. And it ended up being me who went crawling back to her to beg forgiveness. 

Anyway that's a big word soup, I won't be mad if you are too overwhelmed to engage with it right now. In case you need it - reminder about your breath, just noticing and slowing can do wonders 🤞💜

 Ooooh a colouring for me? Literally blushing omg you're actually the cutest 🥰

[Former-Member]

@Jynx See a little bit of understanding goes a long way in friendships and respecting others feelings. The fact that this friend didn't validate your feelings would have been so hurtful. Can understand how it makes us feel like we are the ones who need to go crawling back cos I'm guilty of that too, believing that I'm the one that's always in the wrong. 

oh I had a best friend about 13 years ago now who was so controlling of me, like she would comment on my Facebook posts replying to others on my behalf and was so insanely jealous of anyone I talked to. But she wanted more from me than just friendship but I was with someone and wasn't interested in her in that way. Anyway she ended up siding with my abusive ex partner cos she thought she could get with him once I was out of the picture. She was like 12 years older than me and just really i don't even know how to describe her. She ended the friendship by throwing the best friend charm that we had together at me and storming off, I never looked back and realised how much better off I was without her. 

Gah I'm struggling so much right now. 

[Jynx]

@Former-Member yep, that's it hey! Oh isn't it fun having the overactive fawn response... people pleasing is rough. It's so hard to tell myself sometimes that doing this thing or that thing for someone else isn't always the correct decision. That I'm allowed to say no, to ask for help, to have firm boundaries. Ach, always a work in progress I am! 

Oh yikes!! Sounds like a person who has very little capacity for self-insight. I feel for folks like that, and for the people they tend to hurt. But as trauma begets trauma, so too does healing beget healing!! 

Aww hun 💜 With 10pm fast approaching I can't stay and keep you company 🥺

Is the colouring proving sufficient or is brain too swirly? 

[Oaktree]

@Former-Member @Jynx @MJG017 

In the past I would have said that I hated myself. I had a lot of negative self talk and the self loathing was real. Now, although I still don’t think I really love myself, I think I am ok. There is always hope to change the way you think of yourself. Never say never!

[Former-Member]

@Jynx colouring isn't cutting it. Brain is focused on thoughts that are damaging and scary. Trying so hard to not give in but I'm exhausted 😞. 

[MJG017]

@Oaktree 

I'm still new to the whole process myself but I know it takes time.  Just learning not to hate ourselves issuch a big step, being ok is another big step.  Even just being okay means we don't talk ourselves out of as much or don't even try because we don't see a point, or even think we're worthy.  Soto say you don't gate yourself now is a huge step that shouldn't be underestimated, especially with the changes it brings.

[Jynx]

@Former-Member I am so sorry that it's so heavy and overwhelming for you dear one. I know how much exhaustion takes its toll. Humans have this remarkable ability to find pockets of energy in dire situations so I do have a lotta faith in your ability to make it through.... I am sending some of my own energy your way though just as an extra boost! Ooh my heart just started beating faster, thats cute! Energy moving outta me to head to you! 

 I will chat to you tomorrow lovely 💜

[rav3n]

hey @Former-Member i'm hearing how scary and tiring it is for you right now, sending you lots of love 💙

you're not alone hun, we care about you heaps. 

[MJG017]

@Jynx 

Why do we spend so long trying to fit the image that others see us as?  An image that isn't even us!  Then we blame ourselves when we fail to live up to it!?

There is no only a freedom in deciding to not do that anymore, but I think only then do we really start to discover who we are and what we want to do.  And slowly, things start falling into place.