Coming to terms with reality

[Former-Member]

thank you @Former-Member

This is what I needed to hear......I do not need to know what was said....I needed to hear that action had been taken.....

My purpose was not to continue or fuel the conflict.....

community guidelines were not adhered to...

others moving forward need to also be reassured that they are safe and not judged....

I sincerely hope @eudemonism that you continue to use the forums.......if not here....elsewhere....you are a valued part of the forum community and are already missed

[eudemonism]

Hello @Former-Member im not sure what has happened or whether i contributed to the conflict / disagreement or not. Ive just been doing my usual self centered thing. And absorb myself in my own problems. And self loathe until help comes along. Or spend my time talking about it.

I know and knew there had been differences between people on this thread. But i figured we'd all just moved on. I'm not even sure of what has happened to cause all this.

Still struggling on my end.

[Former-Member]

Hello @eudemonism

you did nothing at all 

disagreement between two others

I attempted to mediate and that backfired...

You have been doing so well.  So do not allow yourself to be affected by the actions of others....

we are moving on..

a new fork in the road..

shall we try to think of something positive each time we write....no matter how minor...

something to lift the mood?

what are your thoughts?

Must say am very happy to hear from you

[eudemonism]

Hi @Former-Member thank you so much for your consistent, persistent and unique way of offering me kind, accepting and understanding support. Hearing or reading nice words sometimes eases the huge weight of emotional distress. Too say the least.

(All is well in my world?) This may sound analytical and philosophical. But I'm realising something new about myself every day. I'm in a battle between the light and the darkness...

I have a roof over my head. A warm bed to sleep in. Food in my stomach. And I'm safe. Despite my illness raging war against my sanity. I have family, friends, community and church. I am rather well off in the scheme of things.

When i am in the midst of an unfolding episode of psychosis. I bring myself too a deep and meaningful state of repentance. Although it only keeps my demons at bay. And does little too resolve the hurt and pain. It is sometimes my last defence against a supernatural war. Which never ends.

Regards eude

[eudemonism]

The last decent walk i went on @Former-Member was beautiful! So much positive stuff has been happening since last time we've written. Although defining my illness between reality is very difficult at times. I do have alot to be grateful and thankful for.

The sun was rising over the ocean and the island. The dog was running happily back and forth along the shore line. The sky was becoming lightened bye the rising sun. And a warm change was coming through on the horizon. I sat down on the sand after a long night with no sleep. And watched the flock of native geese fly over head in the sky. They squawked and flew in synchronization as i stood on the beech. The morning had come to life around me. And the day had begun. My feet were walking in the water. I could feel the sand between my toes. And in the very moments like these. Not even God knows where my problems go..

The cat Purrpurr has had 4 kittens. They are 3 weeks old.

[Former-Member]

Hello there @eudemonism

Or can I call you eude?

that beach scene with geese flying over sounded like something out of a film production...

an incredible experience..a beautiful sunrise....sharing such natural beauty with your dog loving every moment..

so glad that you felt moments where not even your illness could pervade...

spiritual moments I call these.

you sound well...more grounded..

I am relieved that you are still challenging your struggles and building your strength

Purrpurr had 4 kittens so sweet...are you able to find suitable homes for them? Is purr purr a good mum? What does dog think of newcomers?

so very pleased and relieved to hear that you are still focusing on your life in a healthy way

speak soon

[eudemonism]

Hey @Former-Member yes i have good homes lined up for all of them. Only a few weeks more and they will be ready to go... will have to get purrpurr desexed... a money, time and effort scenario.... (a little planning, a trip to the vet) i love her dearly and want what's best for her. I'm hoping to get a voucher or something to help with desexing her.

The dog is outside most of the time but looks on intently with curiosity about the little kittens. It was not that long ago when mister (the dog ) and purrpurr first met as a puppy and kitten. They were truly petrified of each other at first. But now have a love hate relationship and are great friends.

I went for a drive last night (with mister ) and i could sense he was in tune with my emotions. And that's all I'll say. I won't tell you which emotion i was dealing with. And it was a bonding moment.

I'm taking a car for a test drive next Wednesday. And will be ready to make an offer. And again. I'm hoping it goes through and I'll have an upgraded car in the driveway, in my name, and good too go... am kind of thinking I'd like to reconnect with a lady i met in hospital a few years ago. And visit her in the city one day. But it will be a slow and steady process if it does happen. (Not sure if good or wise idea... ) -I added her on my social network page today. -thinking ahead about a reliable car to get me there.

I had a couple beers and smokes with a friend this afternoon and question the cost benefits of the relationship. It's happened a good dozen times now. And i get upset about it. Because I'm always forking out the money. -JUST have to hope it comes back to me at some stage or another. Unfortunately finances don't grow on trees and my friends ain't the best at budgeting. Oh well. Just how it goes.

Tag me as usual i suppose...

How is everything going for you?

[Former-Member]

hello @eudemonism

just happened to be on the forum and checked on the updated responses...

lovely that you have homes organised for kittens...we both know how important it is to have a good home...

you are sounding far more grounded....

without sounding motherly I hope...I am very proud of you

these friends who visit and drink from your supply ...an ongoing situation...honestly...they are not friends...they are scum....if they treat you to a drink at their place in return...totally different scenario ...that is friendship....if you are paying all of the time and they are only visiting you...

as I said you are far more grounded...this is about who you are now...you can tell them assertively and in a civil manner...not available...going out or busy...however you feel best to approach it without having to get upset or angry...not implying that you would....in a calm matter of fact manner ...

love the dog cat relationship...have forgotten how you described your dog...do you know which breeds etc? just that I can visualise her or him when discussing...I love dogs...have two cats now...love any animal except reptiles ...have a phobia about them...

the girl you met in the hospital....go with your instincts....her medical status etc...any addictions sorry to mention however ...is a reality when connecting with someone re taking on another person's problems...

my younger son is still hoping to meet someone...I do think that his expectations are too high somehow..no matter...up to him...

what I am alluding to is that it is an unknown....if we want to be with someone....we do have to take a chance...if we get hurt...we heal eventually...if we want to have someone in our lives...we try again...we never know if we do not try..,

I think that she will be very lucky to have you...go with your innermost feelings....

of course I will tag you....silly you...haha...

I am your adopted virtual mum laugh....if this freaks you out I will never mention again laugh

take care

[eudemonism]

Haha i was thinking the same thing about the adoption... i just didn't wanna mention it and be out of place... my real mum will be cool with that (smiles ) the dog is kelpie x border collie and the cat is tortoise is color. Kind of white under belly with brown and golden and black stripes. The kittens are mainly black and white with patches of brown.

Talking illness now @Former-Member i have noticed i am very split minded about everything. My life is a result of being confronted with many decisions to make. Reality vs expectation. The double bind. Etcetera. Torn in two between moral and immoral. Right and wrong. Should i or shouldn't i... love and fear... it sounds silly but it happens many times throughout each day. Some examples are. Too smoke or not too smoke? Too drink or not too drink? Too do drugs or not too do drugs? Too walk or not too walk? Every decision has a repercussion... it's almost like my mind tends to lean too one side all of the time. Which leaves me in a predicament and a double bind (split mind ) -positive and negative. And the results determine my psychical and mental health, wellbeing and status. And determine how well i do in life and how able i am too. Provide myself with what i need and want.

The good, the bad, the ugly and everything in between. Always contemplating the flipside. Successful vs failure. Health vs sickness. Life vs death. Poverty vs wealth. Heaven vs hell. Selfishness vs selflessness. Serving vs receiving.

Just try to work it all together and point myself in a positive direction. And do well.

Any way i think you get the point...

I cooked up a nice big savory mince / spaghetti sauce yesterday. Plenty of vegetables, flavors, spices and some meat. A few tins of tomatoes. Some to tomatoe paste. Salt, sugar, pepper etcetera. On a bed of pasta or mash with grated cheese on top. Is rather yummy and very healthy.

I also like lambs fry. Do you know what that is? Having it with mash, beans, peas or broccoli works a treat it's a real health booster. I got a great way of making it if you wanna know just ask.

The garden is doing it's thing. Struggling like me i suppose. Going through good and day times. Got little bits and pieces of everything out there. I can make a list for you if you want? And you might get some ideas for yourself. The pinnacle of my garden will be when the Chinese elm tree is fully grow and i have a garden bench under it's branches and i can sit out there on a hot summers day and be in the cool shade. And in winter have a small fire and have a beer or wine and cook a snag.

Now too get on with the day... not sure what too do from here. Here come the decisions lol.

I know what you talking about when you say. Expectations are too high. I been told the same thing. I missed many an opportunity because my expectations were too high. Only to get lost in a dream like fantasy world revolved around woman i could never have. It's probably all too common.

Eudemonism

[eudemonism]

Hi @Former-Member i hope you're feeling OK and getting on with the day in a positive and enjoyable way. I was just looking through some of the other threads and seeing what else is out there in forum world. And i gather that everyone has their own types of illness too contend with. And have unique stories which they own. And are all in their own personal lifestyles and situations. Can you reflect on that for me?

Everybody sort of has their unique roles...

I get wrapped up in my own thoughts and feelings. And my repetitive and impulsive behavior. And find myself sinking into a spiral which i desperately try to embrace, make the most of and enjoy. (Meanwhile i resent that it's happening ) But i seem to forget about connecting with reality and what needs too be done. Through decisive action. Which i get the desired results I'm looking for from. (Whatever that maybe ). And it's at these stages that I'm at my wits end and all logic has been dismissed.

It's like I'm craving and yearning for something. and i think it is... human contact and connection... Because i know it is the source of pleasure which I'm looking for and it is also the source of all pain... i get that wound up in this process. I forget about everything else. (Taking a break and relaxing, making wise choices ) good relationships and new relationships are key to good mental health. Everything falls into place after that. Unfortunately it's just not that simple. A quote i told myself years ago was. "We are who we hang around " and "we will want too be like the people we are in contact with " two very complicated quotes when i think about my own nature. And what i sense about the nature of others. "The blind leading the blind " or, "you need people too look up too and be guided bye someone. (influenced bye / admire ) and you need too be a role model for somebody "

I'm so sorry for my pedantic and prolific writing style. It's my go too coping mechanism when all else fails.

I'm looking for that someone who can make everything better. Does that make sense? Bit of an ironic statement to use in forum land (smiles )

Other people are the biggest influence in my life. It effects %100 of my thoughts....... sometimes it's a good thing and sometimes it's not.......