I am 32 years old and I reside in regional Victoria. I have worked in emergency services for the past eight years and had various jobs in the public service prior to that. I have had many experiences throughout my life so far, but one that has played a big role is my struggle with my mental health.
I write this as a reflection of my experiences now that I am older, and much of my journey I did not recognise or understand at the time it was happening.
I was born and raised in a family which would be considered 'normal' to a degree. My parents worked, provided housing, support, access to eduction etc. as would be expected. Despite this I was definitely a shy and introverted child, and my parents unfortunately carried on a family tradition of hyper-critical behaviour. I feel they loved me due to the biological connection, but at the same time I believe that they thought my shyness was 'abnormal' and were regularly critical of my tendency to be that way. A vivid memory is when I would engage in team sport in my primary school years. Predictably I was hesitant to participate and would 'stand in the corner' a fair bit. This would result in my parents verbally abuse my performance on a regular basis, getting angry at why I wouldn't 'get in there and go for it'. I hated those car rides home.
At school, I wouldn't say I was an 'outcast', or ostracised, bullied etc. but I definitely chose to keep to myself more often than not. I had friends and acquaintances through out my teenage years and I performed okay academically.
It was probably around high school when I started to feel like I had an issue with my self-esteem and confidence. I would avoid social situations like the plague, and only really be comfortable talking to one person at a time (big groups used to scare me). Despite this I feel I got through school okay and went on to university shortly after.
My time at university was very bad for me. This is where I started to self-criticise regularly and really felt like a complete failure. My academics were fine once again, plus I had a core group of friends and I would even be quite social at times. However it was all surface level and I would eventually return to that hyper-critical space in my mind. I would constantly feel like I do not belong in this world and that nobody truly cares about me. I felt so alone, it is very difficult to describe a feeling like that.
It was around this time when my self-esteem started to have a tangible impact on the external aspects of my life, particularly my interpersonal relationships. I completely lacked any ability to date or seek a partner, all because I felt that I would never be good enough for anyone. A lack of companionship and belonging is a major presence in my life.
My parents divorced in my early 20s, I never spoke to my father again and I still engage with my mother, but our relationship is indifferent to say the least. I feel neither of them truly understood what kind of person I am, but I don't believe I will ever know what they thought. I will never attribute myself as a product of their upbringing however, I do believe that we are the master of our own destiny and I am ultimately responsible for all of this happening.
As I moved into my professional career, all of these thoughts and feelings continued right up to this day. I do not have many friends, and I certainly have never had an intimate relationship before. I am constantly critical of my work and believe that I am a complete failure.
I have had the resilience to engage with some support services many times during my life, but unfortunately I have never had the strength or ability to continue them. Each attempt I have always ended up in the same hole that I have always been in.
All of this leads to intense feelings of loneliness, isolation and sadness. I cannot recall I time when I was truly happy - of course there have been times of surface level joy or excitement about something, but that is all. It is very difficult to describe, almost like I am standing in a jail cell, looking out to society where people are happy, successful, loved and cared about. None of these things have happened for me, and currently each day is filled with meaningless dread and misery, where I constantly wonder why I was not strong enough to help myself or change my ways. Every day pointlessly flows into the next, and it feels like it is too late for me to change and I will be lonely and miserable forever.
I cannot describe how painful it is to feel worthless, unimportant and that nobody cares about you. It is excruciating and I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy. It is a terrible space to be in and one that consumes any possibility of you making any positive contribution to the world we live in.
And now I reflect on the person I am with one word, and that is disappointment. The opportunities and experiences I have missed out on because of my self-esteem has been staggering. Sometimes I wish I could speak to my 18-year-old self and urge them to challenge these thoughts and be strong enough to discover that you can be meaningful and important in the world. I think often about how things would have been different then.
I apologise for the jumbled mess of thoughts going on here but it has been somewhat therapeutic to write some of this down. How I wish things could be different, because despite all this I don't think I am a bad person - I have empathy, compassion and care for those important in my life and I try to do a good thing every now and then. I would have loved to have been a partner and a father of my own, one that would have done their best to raise my children in a different manner than I experienced. In another life, perhaps.
I fear that these thoughts and feelings have been left to fester for such a long time that there is no possibility of ever changing them. I feel too far gone.
Thanks for reading.
Emergency, police & ambulance (24 Hrs)
Connect with a lifeline crisis supporter (24 Hrs)
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