Our stories
Thank you, @cloudcore , for starting this extremely important discussion!
@cloudcore wrote:Questions for the community:
- What does loneliness look like for you?
It would be all too easy for me to talk about the endless days and nights, sitting quietly in an empty room, dreaming dreams of crowded bars and/or living rooms, filled with comraderie and laughter.
All too easy to talk about the sense of emptiness and loss whenever you watch some show or movie where college-age youths are merrily strolling down sunny sidewalks together, their lives full of romance and close friendships.
All too easy to talk about all the uncomfortable dinners, sitting quietly and trying to keep to yourself, while half-drunk family members burble along in bitter rants about any arbitrary issue-of-the-day, which you don’t want to get caught up in.
All too easy to talk about the empty, cardless, mantlepiece in the weeks surrounding your birthday and Xmas; the staunch reminder that, not only do you have no friends or loved-ones to send you cards, but also that you have no one you are sincerely close to who you can write to.
All too easy to talk about the visceral sinking feeling in your gut, when you hear about someone much younger then you having gotten married or engaged; that frosty veiled telegram from reality that the lone hope that sustains you - of getting your own great romance and real family - is either dead, or at best, on it’s death bed.
All too easy to talk about the overwhelming sense of confusion, the “damned if you do, damned if you don’t” unfairness of life, whenever you are confronted with any sort of confusing issue - be it social, ethical, practical, medical, financial, beaurocratic, or political - and you realize, yet again, that you have nobody you sincerely trust to turn to for advice or assistance in figuring the situation out. Or what it’s like to feel your lungs going haywire, where it feels like you can’t breathe, while your mind keeps screaming “WHAT THE F*** AM I SUPPOSED TO DO ABOUT THIS?”, and you realize that help is never coming.
Yes, it is far too easy to fall into the trap of describing the man who is literally sitting all alone in a room by himself - because that’s what we’ve all become accustomed to presuming loneliness looks like.
But I know from experiance that all that ugly crap is mere child’s play compared to the real loneliness that comes from being trapped in a populated environment full of people who are not on your side.
People who judge you and look down on you, based on criteria you can’t possibly comprehend.
People who hold you to some unwritten expectations, that they refuse to clarify, and then passively-aggressively lash out at you when you violate them. People who expect you to follow some script of desired responses, which they never provide you in advance.
People who seem to have collaborated to create a world that you would never want to live in; a world that varies only between the dreary & pointless, and the miserable & tragic - with no place for joy.
People who exploit your desperation for real connection and basic respect, to extort you into doing things you have no desire to do, and which you are never ultimately rewarded for. This includes therapists, who are supposedly charged with genuinely helping us to solve severe life crisises, such as loneliness.
People who seem to be committed to convincing you that human beings are actually quite horrid things, and that sitting in a room, in the presence of other people, is actually a much less desirable prospect then living out a long life and dying in an empty room, all alone.
People who heartlessly blame you for your own loneliness, on the premise that you refuse (or are unable) to contort yourself into a convincing falsehood that fits in well with their desires, when you know full well that the only true cure for loneliness is to be inserted into an environment where you can be yourself, and feel true connection and conformity with the people surrounding you.
That is what the worst of loneliness looks like. Loneliness isn’t the lord sitting in his empty, resonating chamber; loneliness is the lord waiting in his fortress under siege.
And if you have trouble believing that, just try spending an evening at a function where everyone thinks your “a loser”; an evening of non-stop awkward contempt and grudging tolerance. You’ll be thankful when it’s finally time to go back home to your empty bedroom. The burden is still there, but it’s much less weighty.
I want to address those other questions in the original post. But I'll do them in another post, because this one is already so big.
Hi @MIFANTCARER ,
Thank you for sharing. I'm so sorry to hear of how alone you feel despite all the people you care for and all that you have achieved. I imagine it must have been really hurtful to be compared constantly to your sister, I'm wondering if that mistreatment and the overshadowing has impacted your self esteem and ability to trust others? I know that it did for me and is one of the reasons I often felt uncomfortable in dating, and felt so lonely and disconnected from others in general. Love to know your thoughts 
@MDT it is the worst feeling Thank you also for reflecting on the traits you're looking for in a partner, it's completely okay to want to find someone who does not share the same experience as you. I'm wondering, if you don't mind talking about it, what lessions you learned or realisations you had about yourself that led to your decision to find partner who does not share the same experience as you?
Hi @chibam ,
I really appreciate your thoughts on this topic It's awful being around people who criticise, undermine and exploit us, it can really ruin our faith and trust in others. It's completely understandable that those experiences have impacted your desire to connect with others. I'm wondering which social situations have given you these experiences and if there are any other situations or environments where you feel welcomed and safe?
I also acknowledge your feelings of loneliness around holidays and family events, it can be so alienating to be alone in those situations. You mentioned that your #1 aspiration was a loving marriage, is that still something you are aspiring for?
@MIFANTCARER I see, thanks for clarifying. I'm sorry to hear that your endeavors weren't supported in the same way, it must have been disheartening to have overheard that. I also acknowledge how painful it must have been to have lost your business due to illness. It's understandable that these things have left you feeling lonely, grief and depression can be really isolating.
Learning to be kinder to your self is a great step and, going back to a sentence in your original post "Loneliness to me is just dealing with everyone pain and no-one seeing you", I hope that being able to share your pain here and being seen has helped. We're here with you in your process
Thanks, @cloudcore
@cloudcore wrote:I'm wondering which social situations have given you these experiences...
It's not so much the situations as the people. And it's pretty much everyone I know. It started off primarily with a group of people I went to school with, but after several years they seemed to get bored of tormenting me and eventually left me alone. But family have always been a concern, too, and they've progressively gotten worse.
It's all sorts of functions from weddings and funerals, to informal family lunches/dinners.
And regarding the old school group - gatherings where it was just me stuck with the same old crowd were the worst. But on very rare occasions, I'd get invited to some sort of larger party/outing where there were strangers to interact with. They weren't quite as lonely, although, in hindsight, I guess they were very superficial encounters.
@cloudcore wrote:
..and if there are any other situations or environments where you feel welcomed and safe?
No, not really. 
Once, I used to be able to go in to some situations with a presumption of welcomeness and safety, but then there'd be an unambiguous unkind remark or something similar, that would reveal how the people really felt about me.
@cloudcore wrote:You mentioned that your #1 aspiration was a loving marriage, is that still something you are aspiring for?
Always. (With apologies to professor Snape
)
Despite all the efforts people have made over the years to snuff that dream out; and despite the rational side of my mind telling me that it's impossible, I just cannot let go of the dream that there may be some miracle that will unite me with my soulmate.
Why am I alive right now? Not for good reasons. I've been heavily browbeaten and shamed into surrendering any ambitions of suicide, because that would be "selfish" of me and turn me into a source of despair and misery. I live not out of willingness, but out of bitter obligation.
But if there is one narrow sliver of goodness giving me incentive to survive, it is that slim, slim hope that one day I shall know love.
