Battles

[MJG017]

@Dreamy 

I totally understand distancing yourself.  I struggle with that a lot as well.  Sometimes I just don't have the energy to interact with anyone.

If it helps any, sometimes there is one thing that keeps me fighting.  Spite!  I think to myself the universe has dumped so much crap on me, let it give up!  If it wants me to, the stuff it!  I'm going to fight on just out of spite towards it, and to prove a point.

That's part of your brain that tells you to give up and than no one will care is hard to ignore, but you know it's wrong. Everyone here right now talking to you cares... a lot.  There's been a few times this year when i've felt so guilty and so bad for what I've put my partner though the past 30 months that I was so close to giving up and just just quitting treatment and let things take their course.  Just to end what i'm putting her through.  There's no many friends at all, my family certainly doesn't seem to care so i started to convince myself it was the right thing to do.  Luckily I got so frustrated and so upset that I told her.  And she reminded me that i mean something and that it doesn't matter what everyone else thinks, the people who care about me, even though it's not a lot of people, need me to fight.  So I do. 

I know we both have very different reasons for wanting to give up.  But it's so important to reach out and listen to people you have around you who care about you when you feel that strength and fight is gone.  Because those people, even if there's not many of them, even if they're online, will give you theirs.  Don't make me write a 20 page essay on how amazing a person you are! Because you know I will! 😉  My two typing fingers are ready to go!! 😁

[Dreamy]

@MJG017 oh I love how you can make me smile even when i feel like complete sh!t. 

I'm so glad you chose to fight cos I'm one of those people that cares a hell of alot about you. Your partner is so right in saying that it doesn't matter what everyone else thinks it's those few people that care that want you to fight and want you here. You keep fighting and on those days when you don't feel you can we will step in and fight for you ❤️. 

You're right in that we both have different reasons to want to give up. But there's always something worth fighting for and it's just a matter of trying to focus on that when things get tough. Something I'm not great at doing when I'm in this state but I'm grateful that you and others here remind me that there is people that care and people that need and want me to be here. 

You know today I reached out to a friend that's been there throughout the last 8 years and supported me alot. We don't talk sometimes for months at a time but when we do we pick right back where we left off. Anyway I hadn't had much contact with them cos I didn't want to be a burden but today I messaged her and she didn't hesitate to come over and drag my ass out to the shop then we came back and did some puzzle together. It was great to have company and for that 4½ hours i didn't have to fight alone, we laughed and just enjoyed ourselves. It was a glimpse of what my life should be like and what I wish it was like all the time. 

Those 2 typing fingers might be ready to go, but I'm not sure you could get a whole 20 page essay done on how amazing I am, maybe just a few lines 😂

[Jynx]

@Dreamy Oooh we can help, sure!! Maybe post in Best Friends Club? Since I'm about to log off I can't help really, but I can't wait to see what you end up creating! 

I have all the faith in ya hun, you will be okay - we got your back whatever may come! 💜

[MJG017]

@Dreamy 

What you wrote reminded me of how often in my life i've made things so much harder for myself because I didn't want to reach out, or bother someone, or just thought that they wouldn't be there for me.  It's that sense of low self worth that tells us these things and it's a right bastard!  I love to say you can stop that voice, but i think once it's there it's there for good.  Like that annoying neighbor that always tells you you're trimming the tree wrong, or you're mowing the grass wrong, or you're throwing the tennis ball at them wrong!  Ignore that voice... it's always wrong.  I can throw a ball! 😁

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@Dreamy wrote:

Those 2 typing fingers might be ready to go, but I'm not sure you could get a whole 20 page essay done on how amazing I am, maybe just a few lines 😂

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Well, that sounds like a challenge has been thrown down at finger 1 and 2! 😆

[Dreamy]

@Jynx will have to see what happens tomorrow but it's something I'm both excited and nervous about. 

Thankyou ❤️. I'm feeling slightly better at the moment, things don't feel quite as heavy right now. Just hoping tomorrow is a better day and that i can shake these thoughts. 

[Jynx]

@Dreamy 💪😎

😋💜🫂

[Dreamy]

@MJG017 we are great at making things harder for ourselves when they really don't need to be. There's definitely no stopping that voice especially when you have been let down so many times before when you have tried to reach out to people. If they are telling you that you are throwing the tennis ball at them wrong maybe it's time to use a different ball, maybe something a bit harder 😂. 

Just keep finger 1 and 2 ready for distraction chats when they are needed and you aren't busy 😊

[Dreamy]

Thanks for everything @Jynx ❤️.

Hope you have a good night 😊.

[MJG017]

@Dreamy 

That's the reason that voice is so loud isn't it.  You get let down enought times and it just sits there in your head, looking supremely smug, and saying "told you so".  But it's like a confirmation bias.  We see all those times someone failed as as confirmation the voice was right, but we dismiss the few times it was wrong.  So we never get the confidence from those times.  Brains are stoopid!

Hmmm, maybe a ball on fire or launched from one of those T-shirt cannons!  The only thing to get the ball to the voice we have to fire at our head, and that just hurts after a while.  Then people take the cannon off you.

Fingers 1 and 2 are ready and waiting.  Finger 3 said they could help, but it will be nothing but typos, so we all agreed Finger 3 can just supervise.

I had better head off to bed.  King day with assessment for my course tomorrow and Wednesday.  Role-plays!  The humanity!!  How do I get myself into these things?!.  At least I completely haven't prepared at all.  What can go wrong?

I hope you're feeling at least a tiny bit better and that voice has been silenced a little bit. Take care and chat later.

[Dreamy]

@MJG017 brains are definitely stupid at times. 

Hope tomorrow and Wednesday go well for you. I'm sure you will do just fine at the role play, could get interesting knowing your sense of humour 😉. 

Fingers 1 and 2 better get alot of rest 😂. Supervision doesn't require much so finger 3 can party 😂. 

I'm about to crash out here aswell. Hope it's an easy night for you. Feeling slightly better but still very much in that danger zone. 

Night night, chat to you later 😊.