How to let go of the ones you love

[Lostsoul30]

Hi again.. I'm in desperate need of some advice here..

I've been going through alot with being a carer for my parents and for over three years all I've heard is bad news after bad news after bad news and I'm tired... Like exhausted. My health is currently declining and I feel like I'm loosing hope and the will to live.

Few months ago we were told that  there isn't much to do for dad his health is really bad and the cancer is probably spreading because his almost lost his voice which to me isn't a good sign.. I know deep down that he isn't going to live much longer because he doesn't move much anymore or talk it's almost like his given up... But I haven't! I don't want to lose him! I can't bare the fact that he won't be around anymore so we're constantly fighting.. I'm always telling him to quit smoking look after himself.. get out and about. To fight the best way.. but he won't listen to me or anyone and his doing what he wants.. and I know some of you are probably going to think his dying let him live the way he wants.. but I can't I can't say... That his dying. I just can't.

My depression has become so bad that every day I wish that I wouldn't wake up so I have to go through it all again.. watching and waiting for them to die.. in front of me.. no one understands me or what I'm going through, or how this is going to destroy me... I'm already suffering serious mental issues and now I'm alone in all this.. I can't accept this and I don't know what to do! How do I let go.. how do I stop hating them for just leaving like this.. when I so desperately need them around.

Sorry again for the long essay but I'm in serious destress and need help.. 😔😭

[Jynx]

@Lostsoul30 oh gosh, first of all I hope it's okay I send you a big hug? Cos that's a LOT that you're dealing with, and I am not even remotely surprised that you're feeling so completely overwhelmed!! 

I think something that folks don't really talk about, or know how to talk about, is the odd type of grief that we can experience when caring for someone with a terminal illness. It's almost like... pre-grief, this feeling of knowing we will have to deal with the pain of the loss, but the loss hasn't happened yet, and the anticipation can feel like such an emotional rollercoaster. My dad has Parkinson's, and he's really declined lately... so I'm riding that rollercoaster with you 🫂

It sounds like you're doing so much for them and not getting much support yourself. It's okay to feel burnt out, overwhelmed, even resentful - all normal emotions to experience. You deserve to be able to take a break, nurture your own mind and body - do you have the ability to make time for just you, each week? It's SO important for carers - 'one cannot pour from an empty cup' and all that. 

Carers Australia might be a good point of contact for some support, perhaps you could reach out to them (if you haven't already)? Another good source of support would be Griefline - cos like I said before, we can still experience a kind of 'grief' even if the person has not passed on. And of course pls feel free to lean on our lovely counsellors on the SANE Support Line as much as you need - they're available Mon-Fri 10am-8pm by calling 1800 187 263 💜

[defaultusername]

Hi @Lostsoul30,

Thank you for sharing, and I am very sorry to see that you're going through such a difficult situation right now. I can only imagine how worrying and exhausting it must be to watch this happening. Life can be so unfair…

You must be a very strong person to take on the role of carer of both of your parents, and they're very lucky to have you. As distressing as it is right now, you are also very lucky to be able to spend this time with them.

You've mentioned that you are also dealing with your own physical and mental health challenges — I hope that you can see the importance of prioritising your own wellbeing… I understand it is much easier said than done when you're a carer, but we end up burnt out if we don't practice a bit of self-care here and there.

You did the right thing reaching out for some support because we can't do this work alone.

I agree with @Jynx's wonderful suggestions, perhaps reaching out to those support services would be a good way to take a bit of time to focus on your needs.

We're always here for you and hope to hear back from you soon.

Take care and remember to be kind to yourself.

[rav3n]

Hey @Lostsoul30, just read your message & although I haven't dealt with a similar situation, I wanted to send you lots of love, positive energy and care 💗 

Even when things are getting tough and overwhelming, you're here - reaching out and doing your best, so proud of you for that 💖