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24-01-2023 03:58 AM
24-01-2023 03:58 AM
My Story TW: CSA, DV, Self harm/Suicide Attempts
Hi all, I think before I get into what is currently happening in my life that I would really appreciate some support with, that I put my story up. It's a lot for me.
In my early years from around 5 years old onwards for some time, I was repeatedly sexually assaulted at school by an older boy. He told me to come with him to find out "what love feels like" which I think any young kid would want, and I felt very unwanted in my family and with no friends. This continued until my family moved away.
My Stepfather was also abusive, thought it was normal for so long but now know it wasn't right. If my sister and I were sick or wet the bed he would aggressively rub our faces in the mess to teach us a lesson. Would also get beaten with his belt, and I remember the belt buckle side being used. I would often as possible just disappear into the bushland/forest by myself or with my dog to not be around to get hurt. My older sister would put the blame on me for everything.
My mind had locked away the sexual assault for a long time until I was in high school where there was a school presentation about sexual assaults and that's when it clicked for me, and I feel that was when my disassociation took over and now I feel constantly trapped inside myself, that everything is a dream like state. I still feel like this all the time.
It was also around this time that I realised that I am lesbian, despite all the obvious crushes etc ever since I was a child haha. I had fallen in love with my then best friend. In time she wanted me to do intimate things with her, and we were somewhat partners for some time. After a while she began to hurt me out of jealousy due to her poor self image and she saw me as "prettier" and would pull and tear at my piercings etc. She became very controlling of what I spent money on, how I dressed, everything. Due to her sheltered upbringing and her parents ways neither of us said anything about our relationship and she also told me to not say anything to our friends. That was fine until she emotionally and romantically cheated on me. I just had to watch her blatantly cheat on me in front of me and our friends and not say anything. She then would use this to control me that I had to do intimate things, buy stuff, do whatever she said or she'd threaten to "go elsewhere."
After some time my family was moving and I loved her too much to go with them, I moved out to my sisters place planning to get a place with my partner. After some time she just moved away to another city without me, said we'll still be close but I knew it was the end. I couldn't afford anywhere on my own and was stuck at my sisters place with her husband who was also abusive.
He would throw things at anyone that angered him over anything, throwing a door that had come off its hinges at me. I felt so broken and alone, losing my partner and being disowned by friends when I did come out as lesbian to them. I felt I had nothing left. I panned to do...something...out the second storey window and was connecting stuff together to do so. My beloved pet dove saved me that day, coming up to me and giving me reason to go on.
After that I moved to my mum and stepdads to start over in the new town. It took a long time to fight the depression I had to get to a stage of somewhat functioning. All while my stepdad was still abusive all the time. No surprise.
I slowly made friends and thought it may be time to try dating, which is when covid began, how's that for timing haha, I talked to one girl for some time until she got angry at me for a cat picture (I volunteered at pet refuge, she was ex vet nurse, something we liked in common) she didn't speak to me again. Then I talked to another girl, who ended up using me for money I guess, and my help. Things went downhil there too when I said I was uncomfortable hearing of her detailed sexual interactions that she was having. After the explosive ending of that for me bringing up a boundary I had given up on dating and was in the process of deleting the app when another girl messaged me. Thought I'd give it one last try. We talked for a long time and became great friends, I was fine just being friends until she got extremely drunk and high and said all that I'd ever wanted to hear after telling her about my past, that she "already loved me and just wanted to be friends first, that I was perfect as I was" so much of me believed it even though I knew I shouldn't have. I just wanted to be loved. I told her what she said to me and she said it wasn't real. It really hurt that it was all a lie. I've been trying to cope and let it go, and to continue being friends. There has been many instances where she is intoxicated and says these kinds of things to me which i wish she wouldnt. Her family also keep asking when we'll be dating, which again hurts me and reminds me of how lonely i feel. While she's dating still I've stopped since that, but seeing as I'm her best friend I'm expected to hear about all her relationships etc but I honestly feel I cannot help with advice having no experience of a positive relationship and the pain of the lie. I try my best to be a good friend but I keep shutting down and going silent automatically as some kind of defence mechanism.
I don't control these shut downs and I try to push through. I just don't know how to respond.
The latest shut down she brought up relationship stuff and I instantly shut down. She responded angrily at me and when I parked the car she got her stuff and said we shouldn't hang out that day and left. After the shock of that happening I messaged her to try to fix things to which she ignored all my messages. I messaged her mum if she could just let me know that she gets home safely as I was worried. I felt awful about everything and didn't know what to do. The next day still with no response my mum noticed I was upset and asked why. After telling her I was upset for unintentionally making my friend angry at me so much so that I felt that she wasn't going to talk to me again, my mum responded in anger which is her response always when I'm not well, in pain, or upset. I felt so alone and like I was losing so many people and a lot of deaths of people and pets. I felt so broken and went into a panic. I couldn't cope with so much going wrong that I purposefully took a lot of my medical cannibis THC oil just to try to feel something else, I didn't care about what would go wrong at such extreme amount and I was planning to take sleeping tablets that I had. I broke down and called the ambulance saying my plans and when they came I gave them all 4 boxes and told them to get them away from me. I was taken to hospital where I waited for mental health team and I went downhill from what i did, ending up having a seizure. It was terrifying and I didn't know what was happening to me, in and out of conciousness etc. I tried reaching out to everyone in my fear with what I did, feeling so alone. I had no one there with me and my best friend was ignoring me still when I really needed someone,she had seen my messages but ignored. I still had very little idea of what was happening or where I was. I eventually got a hold of my mum and one of my other friends and they came later which I'm very grateful that they came. I was discharged and given back the 4 boxes of tablets for some reason. The next few days my mum took me with her to her new partners place to recover which was nice to not be alone and I really appreciated it. But during this time my best friend messaged me after ignoring me "you going to speak." I felt very hurt but I said in time I will just focusing on recovery.
Other things have happened with very short conversation with her that she is angry that I'm not a good friend to her, and I feel hurt that nothing matters to her of how I feel. I feel betrayed that she ignored everything and was never there for me. I feel I've list so much trust in her. I just don't know what to do or if anything is even salvageable. She knows of my trauma but isn't understanding my trauma response... I don't know I'm not even sure I'm making sense here, definitely not quite able to convey things how exactly I mean.
Has anyone had these kinds of things? I don't know what I should do. Can this be fixed or is it just another lost cause? I'm really lost. I know I've messed up. I know there's a lot I've done wrong with. But I do want to try.
Apologies for any issues I cause saying this, I really mean not to hurt or upset anyone..
24-01-2023 11:13 AM
24-01-2023 11:13 AM
Re: My Story TW: CSA, DV, Self harm/Suicide Attempts
Welcome to the Forums. My name is FloatingFeather and I am one of the peer support workers at SANE. It is nice to have you with us and thank you for sharing some of your story with us. I know it's not always easy to share, particularly the first few posts.
I think it can be good sometimes to just write your story and and speak your truth. Sometimes just getting it out of your system helps process your feelings and helps you unpack what has been going on for you.
You have gone through some really tough times from what you have said. I know you said you met with a mental health team but I am wondering if you have a professional (such as a GP, psychologist) in your life that can help you unpack all that has happened to you over the years. It sounds like you have gone through some traumatic things and I would really encourage you (if you haven't already) to speak to someone such as a trauma counsellor to help support you.
Sane also has a drop-in service which is available Monday to Friday, 10am to 10pm (AEST) if you would like to chat with a qualified counsellor and people with lived experience of mental health issues. Sane also has a guided service which you can self-enrol in. This service offers tailored ongoing support - here is the link if you are interested Sane Guided Service.
I know you said you are lost and I have been lost before to so I understand how you feel but you will find you way I'm sure. It can take time but with support from people around you and someone to talk to such as a trauma counsellor, psychologist, GP, etc you can get there. I would also encourage you to offer kindness and forgiveness to yourself. I'm sure we've all done things we wish we hadn't but that's part of life's learning kerb. I often feel (when I have done something wrong) maybe some of the reason it happened was to learn and grow from the experience.
I wish you all the best,