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  • Author : M_P90
  • support : 7
  • Topic : Something’s not right

This is a term I have had applied to me and some of my behaviour before. I've never identified with it. Van der kolk 's "in the body" book on trauma, I have identified with this. Living with an alarm system going off all day inside your body moves you towards whatever will dull it. If I was purely self destructive I would use uppers like amphetamines, but they heighten my alarm system- banging heart, sweating, can't sit still, SCARED. Self destructive assumes you'd do anything that's deemed destructive because it's destructive. The "destructive" behaviours I choose, if we could call this free will, are downers. Alcohol, even eat too much- you know that very drowsy feeling after a big meal, I want that. My system has always been amped up and scared, since I was a toddler and you know sometimes I don't want to feel like that. I'm trying to help myself in that moment to feel less pain. That's not self destructive, it's protective in the very short term (these things in excess damages your body over time, I understand that). That's why I feel like if you use the term "self destructive" with me, you don't get it and probably never will. You haven't felt desperate not to feel. 


All this lecturing is to say, I'm in a low low spot. I tried to be society's good little girl and give my passion, my mind t to a vocation.. I gave so much of myself to this job, and even I asked for such a little (going from 5 days to 4 days) I was put in this position I had to quit. I gave so much, asked so little. Felt I couldn't and didn't deserve to ask for things and then did, and was made to feel again that I'm not worth working with. They could always replace me. Wow, that hurts and I don't want to feel that. So I'm fighting between days of advocating for myself and fighting for care and for a place in the world. And days like this where I just want to drink and eat too much because I'm tired of fighting to be someone who matters. I could end my life, I have a plan and noone would stop me. And what would it matter? Jobs can replace me. Other days I would argue with this, today I just want to numb it. 

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